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Mom was a very private person, she hated funerals and would never have wanted a viewing or visiting hours, and she had a closed casket when my father passed. Its what she would have wanted.
I am the oldest of 3 daughters. When I called both sisters to let them know our Mom was diagnosed with dementia and heart and kidney failure their response was "well I'm not coming home to take care of her" I told them I always knew they wouldn't and that I always knew I would. They have lived true to their words! So have I!! Her best friend died a year ago and that was her only friend. Her "boyfriend " of 31 yrs takes care of her 3 days but he's 87 and I found out through a hidden camera that he yells at her and ignores her but treats quite differently when I come home!! At 63 I can't retire yet. I got her under home hospice care thank God!!! Mom has 8 grandchildren but only my daughter comes to see her and my oldest son video chats with once or twice a week as he lives in Alaska. Not one other person comes around! I've decided not to have a funeral. If they can't come and see her now why bother to come to a funeral?!?! So I prepaid for a private cremation and will have my daughter mix my ashes with hers someday. Then I want a tree planted with our ashes in the hole! Then we can grow strong and tall together again!! Just a thought for you!
The only persons to be there were my brother, myself, and Mom.
He outlived all his friends, and his own generation. My generation never knew him. The next generation down never took the time to call, visit, or have any contact anyway.
There was no ceremony other than a military honor guard.
Mom will be buried next to him. Hard it imagine anyone except me being there anyway.
I have the same wish. My husband, kids and family/friends knows I do NOT want a funeral or a memorial service. They have been told no grieving. They are to all go out to dinner together (I'm leaving money for that) and they are to enjoy life and remember the good times we had. Then come spring, my ashes are to be scattered in the blue bonnet fields south of us. If they refuse to do this, any personal items that would have been left to them will be sold and the money donated to charity.
I also have left strict instructions that I am to put into a facility if needed. They are not to put their lives on hold to care for me. I didn't give birth to them so they could become my caregivers.
My husband is the opposite. He is showing signs of alzhiemers and has for about 2 to 3 years. He wants to be buried with a full funeral. We have paid for our plans already but, he needs to purchase a plot and vault. He expects me to do it for him. I will not do it. He doesn't like any of the places I have suggested. And, he doesn't want to go into a nursing home. He wants to be cared for at home by me and the children. That is what his mom and dad expected. It was a hard several years with calls at all hours to go search for his mom or get things for his dad. I can't do this again since I also have been caring for mom for several years until Dec. 24, 2015. I see her ever 7 to 10 days normally, do her laundry, nails, etc.
If you don't want to have a service, don't. I want to see my friends and family while I am alive, not have them flock in after I am gone.
It has been a tough week but now that I have learned my worth in her eyes (from how she set up her estate), I have decided that Golden boy can afford to make that trip.
When I called to tell Golden boy about moms passing, he asked if everyone was gathering at the house. Oh, h*ll to the no! You couldn't make it out to see her for two years and now that she's gone. .. anyway, that was our last conversation. I bet a couple of the boys are still waiting to hear about a memorial service.
I called the funeral home and told them to mail Mom to my brother.
I am sorry for the circumstances of your loss. Not just the loss of your mom, but the apparent loss long ago of her while she still lived.
My Mom wanted to remove my brother from the will, etc. fortunately, she cannot demonstrate her cognizance....so I can ignore this wish. I don't think my brother actually cares, but, I don't want to put that on him. It's bad enough to lose Mom...but then to have the final wishes rub salt in the wound?
I am sorry your Mom and brother put this on you
And the will....deep breaths. As "they" say, no good deed goes unpunished. You did right by mom when she was alive. It's cold comfort now, but as time passes, karma will be your friend.
For now, complicated times and complicated emotions. Stay strong. We're here for you.
M2M... I can't say I wouldn't do the same. Actually, I WISH for the strength to do the same. To just be done with that. Please move on and as quickly as possible since there is no changing anything now. Please go be very happy. :) The last of it is over, right? I know it's not so easy to mend feelings, but I do wish for you acceptance, and then dismissiveness... leave it in the past, because it is done, even if recent past.
(Those that can't do, teach. 😌)
And if that's not too emotional for you to cope with, there's always the family to help make things better (I am being facetious).
I have a brother with a wife and 5 adult children that lived in the same town where my mother had been in a NH for about 14 months before she passed. Maybe those kids and my brother visited once per year.
I never saw their names in the visitors book, anyway.
My other brother and I had pre paid her funeral.
I didn't know what to expect at the funeral home but certainly didn't need more stress and I had just lost my mother, my best friend.
He and his family showed up at the viewing. It was very awkward and I found myself getting very angry towards them.
He went to sign the visitor's book and I confronted him when he was leaving and asked him wtf he had been for the past 2 years. It wasn't pretty but I didn't care.
He and his family came to the church and the cemetery as well. By that time I was over him and just allowed myself to get lost in her final goodbye.
To sum it all up, the heck with your brother and any other family member that has the nerve to give you grief!
And believe me, that brother gave my mom plenty of grief while she was alive. I couldn't fanthom having him come and pretend like he cared. Over my dead body.
Do what you think is right M2M. Have faith and feel good about the fact you have your mother your best every day. That will get you through your grief.
Funerals are a huge expense; it gets to be crazy and can be simple. In my parts we have a Memorial Society of some sort...a local funeral home would know about it I would think...and a simple service and burial can be arranged. You can always put an announcement in the paper, and say "burial private". And then invite those you wish, if any. Or a memorial service will be held at a later date. And then announce that publicly if you wish, or invite people privately. Do you have friends who would be there for you? The important thing is you are comfortable with your decision...and you can change that in the future if you ever wish. Do something on her birthday, or an anniversary of her passing...whatever feels right.
Sending you strength...
UPDATE: My apologies. I just noticed your question was posted 2 years ago. I pray that it is long since resolved and that you have found peace.
I have had no support from his family, in any way for as long as we have been married. He wants to be cremated and have me keep his ashes in the closet. He says he wants to be in the closet, because I might meet someone who is worth hooking up with, and then they might get creeped out by an urn on the mantle and pass me by. He is silly. There is no way in h*ll or on earth I will ever tie myself down with another person.
And there will be no funeral. He and I have been together for over 42 years, and we don't need a funeral. We are simple people, we are not social butterflies, and all the people who would show up at a funeral should have showed up BEFORE, while he is still alive. Since they didn't, they won't get to put on their Sunday best for him after he is gone.
We lived our lives without being noticed much, and so will we die, unnoticed. We are both okay with the circle of life. It happens quietly, the leaves fall, and nobody pays attention, except for the change of temperature. Life will be colder without him.