Is anyone dealing with a person taking advantage of their mother?

This is where I want to come in and play devil's advocate: I myself AM that DPOA who has been accused of 'spending every dime' and 'blowing' mom money. In fact, I have another thread on here about this very matter, and about how my sisters have accused me of doing the things you are stating in your article. So please, if I may, let you see a little light from the 'other side of the fence". Now mind you, I understand there is some real serious situations going on out there that warrant such accusations, and those are certainly justified. And I am certainly not saying yours is not! But some...are absolutely..not. And those are the ones where siblings want to call all the game shots from the sidelines, but wont step a foot onto the field.

Mom has lived with me for 3 years, has a nice light and bright room with her own bath, a bird feeder and a view to the vegetable garden and lots of Flowers. She is cooked for, cleaned for and everything is done for her here. All she has to do is whatever she wants. When she first moved in, 500.00 a month went to her portion of everything, and the rest of her ss check went for whatever she wanted. She only got about 1186.00 a month back then. So if she wanted clothes or whatever, fine. If she wanted to give her grandsons something, she could...oh wait!............ no she couldn't! In fact, the 500.00 a month that I got for Moms portion of everything here---I was accused of 'blowing" that. I "spent every dime of moms money"---at least according to my sister. There was no POA at the time, just sissy handling Moms bank account while I had the physical care of her. Yep, that is all sissy did, and take Mom to her doc appointment every month, sometimes few months, cos I cannot drive for lack of good vision.

Okay back to my thing: Mom never wanted or needed for anything. Hubby and I both work--in fact, we do customer service for a large company and have the liberty to work from home taking calls and doing what we do. So Mom is never alone. Never has to make her breakfast, never has to make her lunch, or dinner for that matter. She is incontinent, and she has extra laundry I really do NOT mind doing for her. In fact I do not mind doing ANYTHING for her.

My sons were here for some of the last three years and two have moved on. One remains. She loves her grandsons and gives them money. Heck, I'm going to be a gramma soon, and nobody better not ever tell me I can't give my grandkids money!!! or gifts! And If I want to give my sons money, I will. And I do.

Well my mom feels the same way. Mom lives with us. We are a family unit under one roof. Happy, content and stable.

Sissy didn't think so, and had other ideas. She took mom out and talked to her about moving in to a nursing home..how she'd get socialization and games and better care there. Mom thought that might be fun. Mom came home one day with a beautiful brochure and all the paperwork in her hand to get in one of the local homes. She was beaming! She was on the waiting list. I was dumbstruck and hurt to the core...one more jab by sissy. I could have beat the living **** outta her for doing that. But I had to keep quiet, not say a word cos Mom was excited she was going to a new place where she would have all sorts of great adventures to look forward to.

BTW, I had stopped taking Moms 500.00 a month a little over a year earlier..Sissy didn't like the way I spent it on whatever. I wonder if she likes the way her bank spends her mortgage payments. I wonder if she likes the way MY landlord spends MY rent money I happily give him each month... but you get what I mean. We stopped taking it, and took good care of Mom all on our own. In the meantime, Sissy banked that money and a whole lot more. She had placed it in her own account. That way she got Mom qualified for Medicaid for the nursing home.

Mom was in the nursing home exactly 1 month. One. Sissy called me crying cos she just couldn't handle all the running back and forth to the nursing home for Mom. Mom wanted this, Mom wanted that, and Mom was only allowed 35.00 a month while in the home, so Sissy was having to pay out of her own pocket, AND do all the running. She was literally having a nervous breakdown. I got hubby on the other phone to overhear her sobbing about how hard it was and she just couldn't take it anymore (as a witness and that I wasn't hearing things), and that afternoon I went and started the paperwork to get Mom back home--where she belonged.

Once Mom was back home a few weeks,, Sissy turned everything over to me to handle, all moms paperwork, all moms banking info and everything. DPOA was obtained as well, to make things right. Now where was this money Sissy had been putting back? Well, that is a long story, and it took six months and Community Legal Services of Central Florida to straighten her up and make her return it. That is what my thread from back in September on here is all about. I had to get them involved since I could not reason or rationalize with her without getting decked in the jaw, which happened. I have a restraining order of sorts on her now. (Officer made her sign a statement that she'd stay away).
I have another sister who is too wrapped up in her world to come see mom either. But she does not try to run my life or Moms. She is more appreciative that I am taking care of mom so she does not have to, or even worry about her. That sister has not seen mom in 5 years. She is 80 miles away. Sissy is 1 mile away. Or less.

If either sister ever tries to start something with me about Mom's money, I will counter with them being liable for all my attorney fees upon final outcome. And I know, without a doubt, that outcome will be
in favor of the current situation Mom is in.

So what if I buy a washing machine? Mom is incontinent! So what if I bought a freezer, I don't have time to cook three meals a day and Moms special meals take up space I don't have in the refrigerators freezer. So what I make flower beds outside her window? So what I buy extra food stock some back..food prices are rising and I bulk when on sale. So what I do what I do..this is MY life and since Mom is here and neither sis can handle her care, I will.
Bottom line to understand: If Mom is happy, mom is fed, Mom is cared for and not neglected, and things are peaceful in the situation involving the POA or caregiver and the parent, then let them be.

If on the other hand mom is abused and neglected, then there is something to get involved in.

These types of situations are really no different than sickening child custody cases which burn me up! Fighting over who is the better caretaker.....trying to justify their hatred toward the other parent by making up lies or exaggerating facts.... it's usually about money. Truth is: A court or judge should NEVER EVER have to be a part of your life when it comes to custody or care unless there is real neglect or irresponsibility. Two or more adults should be settling between themselves for the betterment of any given situation, doing what is the highest choice of all concerned. And get their selfish selves out of the way.
My sisters would be a joy to me if they would stop accusing me and start helping me. I have not had a day free to pursue anything I want--a long walk, a lovely weekend, or anything for me, nor my hubby, all this time. Yet they can go and come as they please. And I would never ask them for help. They would turn that around and make it "see, she can't handle it after all....".

Go ahead and say what you will...I can hear it coming.....This is just my side, one side, the opposite side of the story.

@Shamir, Thank you so much for sharing your story here. In situations like yours, I don't think anyone (from a legal standpoint) could or should be scrutinizing how the dependent parent's money is being managed, if in fact, the parent's funds are being utilized for their care and well being. What you provided for your mom at home was justifiable as it enhanced her quality of life and eased some of your caregiving financial burden. As you said, if the care recipient is being neglected, then the use of their finances to aid in the caregiving situation is definitely questionable. But I don't think you did anything wrong. And I'm sorry to e hear you're the one being saddled with all the responsibility for your mom's care; that's unfortunate and unfair as you have siblings who could help out. My father used to say, " one parent can take care of six children, but six children can't even begin to take care of just one parent".

Shamir, I had to do a double take to see if I wrote your story! Except for the in and out of a nursing home part, its my story too! Its so amazing that its so similar to my situation. My Mom has a wonderful sunny room with a birdfeeder outside her window, music, tv, and everything she needs. She is incontinent and cannot walk or talk, or barely see but my husband and I also are keeping her in our home. I know the feeling of just wanting a walk, or to get away, but I am following my heart and what would I want? What does Mom deserve? Sometimes I sit outside on the ramp when she naps and just breathe in the fresh air and pretend I am on vacation! Mom deserves the best and we can hire someone to get out if we want to, shes never alone or afraid and thats all that matters. My siblings accused me also and I got a lawyer. I had not taken any money from her and was told by the lawyer I should be taking compensation for the 24 hour care, what a surprise, my siblings accusations back fired on her, lol. Long story short, Moms money is gone now and she is still here and still gets her monthly checks which go to her clothes, diapers, bedpads, food, oil heat, etc, and respite for us when we need a break.Cheers Shamir, keep up the great work. I agree the siblings who are worried about "moms" money really are worried about "their" inheritence. I too do everything squeaky clean including paying taxes and keeping a spread sheet on every penny spent, just in case.

Interesting that this thread took a slightly different direction. While I sympathize with anyone who feels their loved one is being taken advantage of I also understand family members who have no idea of what it takes to be a full time caregiver. Caregivers have every right to be reimbursed for taking care of their loved ones if the loved ones are able to pay. By living in my Mothers house with her I save her over $3500 a month - that is what assisted living costs in this area. She has a lovely room that overlooks the garden that I take care of. She gets balanced meals and has a personal driver. On top of all that I am a Registered Nurse who could easily charge $40 an hour for my services. Of course I do not charge that. In fact I buy most of the groceries and do all of the cooking. I make way less than minimum wage. There is no way that I am emptying my Mothers coffers. If anything I am saving her money so the sibs will be sure to get their share even though they hardly ever help.

Shamir. I feel like I'm reading my own story. You explained it so well and thanks for sharing. Anyone needing help with their parents or you want to know where the money is, call your local area on aging. Tell them you suspecit elder fiduciary abuse and they will investigate every penny free of charge. My family member had to give it all back what he could come up with. He did have some money that was missing. All those other people want to do is bark orders and make sure they get their "Fair Share" even though we do all the day to day work of cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, sorting meds, giving meds, hair and nails, bills and are the other 9000 little things that come up all the time. God forbid they would say "I will take mom for a couple days, go enjoy time with your family" and don't worry.

Yes, Hadenough, you are right! I never ever meant to steer this thread away from its original topic. And Reverseroles, thank you! :) This subject deserves its own thread, and my subject does too. I might make a thread just for it later, right now I gotta get to work! :) Thanks for allowing me to speak with bashing me. I was expecting the opposite. More accusations to justify attack. I need to get passed that, it's just been ingrained in me for the last few years.

I suggest seeing a lawyer. If your mom has dementia that plays a big part in the final decision. My mom did not have dementia and my lawyer said she could do anything she wanted, it was her money.
In hindsight, there are so many people who selected the wrong person to be their POA. They thought with their heart instead of a logical mind. So many people end up with drained bank accounts, and then become burdens on their families because they have no other place to turn or they can't get benefits. For that reason alone, you should seek legal advice.
In a perfect world, anyone who is POA should keep squeaky clean financial records if for no other reason but to protect themselves if any of the family questions or accuses them. The POA may not be doing anything wrong but if lawyers are brought in, then they'll have to fork over some cash to defend themselves.
Good luck!

The running out of money part is always the key. And when this question is raised by an outsider, it always seems to be, why is the questioner concerned about running out of money? Is it a self-interested question? That's an easy allegation to make against any non-POA family member who wants to blow the whistle on a POA who is taking advantage. The problem is, if the POA does not have the financial wherewithal or willingness to take care of their charge when the money runs out, the dependent person may be out of luck. There are many gaps in our legal system that allow things like this to play out among the many, many people who do not have the will or the way to plan out estate issues ahead of time. One alternative is to petition for guardianship, which is often resisted strongly by the person who should be coming under guardianship. Which is to say, don't be surprised if a challenge to an abusive POA is an uphill battle.

Shamir, I know this is not your point, but when you state: "A court or judge should NEVER EVER have to be a part of your life when it comes to custody or care unless there is real neglect or irresponsibility," that is not always the case. My mother has dementia and had no POA in place, so after my father passed away we had to have her declared a ward so I (or someone) could become her legal guardian. Fortunately, there was no fighting among my sisters and I was named guardian without any problem. This is why I am begging all my friends to talk with their parents now about POAs and to get them in place. Having to go the guardianship route is a huge pain and is very constricting, but sometimes it's an imperative route to take in order to properly care for our elder or incapacitated loved ones!

AlwaysMyDuty hit it on the head saying that parents often pick with their heart instead of their head. My sister has POA and is doing the same sorts of things. We have talked to my mother but she doesn't want to "hurt her feelings" by changing POA from her to one of my brothers. My sister feels that everything that was my mom's is now hers and she lays claim to things without consideration for any of us. I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do; my mom seems to want things as they are even though she gripes to me constantly about my sister. I'm distancing myself from the whole thing and letting it play out. When mom runs out of money my sister will have to take care of her.