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Learn to identify the difference between feeling guilty and feeling badly.
Guilt implies that you've done something wrong. You're doing the best you can in the way you are dealing with your father. You've done nothing wrong. Nothing to feel guilty about.
However, chances are your father is having some health and possible mental declines - much of which isn't unusual as one ages. But that doesn't make it any easier for him or for you.
Feeling bad about a loved ones declining health is natural and normal. It would be more concerning if you didn't feel badly about what your dads going through.
Think about what you can and want to do for your father - set boundaries. Communicate these things to your father - and perhaps prepare a list of businesses with their phone numbers - businesses that can take care of some things that you're unable to do. This usually takes having some funds on your dads part, to pay for the services - but not always. Contact the County Department of Aging and Disability where your father lives - see what services they might be able to suggest and/or help with.
As the fabulous actress, Bette Davis once said "Getting old isn't for sissies".
My job is to set and reset boundaries with my mother to protect my own health and peace of mind. For example, I have started screening all my calls. Recently my mom called on a day I was slated to work. I saw her name come up but didn't answer. If it had been a true medical emergency, she could have activated her LifeAlert wristband or called 911. I did immediately listen to her voicemail, and it was not an emergency. She wanted an item from the grocery store. Since I had just done her grocery shop for the week, I was irked by both the call and the request.
To recap, I did not take her call and I did not run her errand. Did I feel guilt? Heck, yeah, but I also felt empowered.
My advice: Find support in a group of caregivers, either online or in person. Think about setting healthy boundaries. Delegate. And realize that this situation could drag on awhile. I have read some comments here that caregiving, afterall, is a finite amount of time. But another comment came from a caregiver who said her mother is 105 years old and going strong. In that scenario, my situation could drag on another 15 years! That has actually stiffened my backbone. Good luck! You are not alone.
That is a complete sentence. No additional explanation needed. Rinse and repeat as needed.
I just about laughed in her face. She's been *tremendously* difficult, incredibly high maintenance expecting others to come over and keep her company or call her to spend hours on the phone virtually every day. (She had no children so much of the responsibility has fallen on another cousin and myself.) Wonder why it never seems to occur to her others have needs of their own.
YES on the setting boundaries. I'm in the process of finding a therapist b/c I can really see I'm going to need some help dealing with *two* old women with serious health issues.
Rationing your assistance helps you help him. That might be a bit confusing, so give him some time to rationalize it.
To demonstrate, you can take a few days off from caregiving for health reasons - it's not dishonest to say that you're mentally exhausted. Probably most of us are. You can add that you saw one of your regular doctors and were advised that if you don't take better care of yourself, you might end up with a catastrophic illness and be hospitalized yourself.
Don't feel guilty about this; it's true. None of us really knows when a health disaster may strike us.
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