How do you deal with a narcissistic mother?

Set boundaries! Otherwise she will drain the life out of you and drag you into depression. My mom is 96. She was a trophy wife, very beautiful and she knew it. My dad was a Naval officer and valued her mostly for her looks. They were devoted to their image, and the five kids were just part of the supposedly perfect picture. I was a well trained little maid of all housework by the time I was 10 (the year my youngest brother was born) and 13 when my sister was born. Then I was the nanny. I don’t know where my mom was those years. My sis has no memories of my mom bathing or dressing or tucking her into bed. I was the mom. My mother was sort of a silent vapor around the house (unless she was having a tantrum over some purse or dress my dad wouldn’t let her have). I mopped floors, washed dishes, changed sheets and ironed. I realize now, that she wasn’t really interested in us as children. It was all about her and my dad. But we thought at that time all homes were like this. Needless to say we all left home at 18 on the dot, and didn’t hear much from her over the years, mainly at Christmas. She didn’t even call me when I gave birth to the first grandchild. Mom and Dad were busy traveling the world and looking perfect. Fast forward to now. Now that Mom is is 96 and her physical beauty is just a memory, which makes her angry! Now that the putter shell is failing I have come to see who she really is. It’s hard to see ANY internal beauty! She lives in a very expensive, beautiful senior living complex, and my sister and I see to her every need, but she complains, demands, whines, and manipulates. She is in good health and has everything to be thankful for but shows no appreciation. She criticizes everyone and everything about her complex. I’m sure the lovely caregivers there must hate it when she needs attention. We manage her money, her insurance, her healthcare appointments, and take her out shopping, to lunch, for drives, and all she does is whine about how no one comes to see her. It’s demoralizing and depressing. She blames us for moving her into the assisted living section, but we did that so she could realize some of the long term health care benefits she has been paying over 30years for! She thinks she doesn’t belong there, she’s too good for it! But she’s incontinent, and get this, refuses to wear depends because they “show through my slacks.” I dread calling or visiting her. It’s so draining, and she’s getting worse. Of course her three sons who are MIA can do no wrong while she beats my sis I and I down with her complaints. She asked me once, four years ago if she could move in with me. I thank God that I said no. That’s the most important boundary you can set. I would be a total wreck if she was living with us. I’m already struggling with depression and guilt which is overflowing into my marriage and doing damage. I’m irritable and flare up with my husband. God help me that I never put my children through this. People are living to be too old now. The struggle with the loss of their lives as they knew them. Dementia creeps in. They revert to childlike, selfish behavior. It’s not a pretty picture. I won’t “divorce” my mother, but I will be seeing less of her, and on my terms, to preserve my mental and physical health!

I have one too. I definately set boundries. I moved to Ohio years ago. She has lost all her friends ( few she ever had) She calls and is drama . Dr finds no major issues that she complains about. Dr get glassy eyed listening to her. I do just call once a week. If she gets drama I just look up her symptoms and find it is nothing and do not hold onto it. I hold the phone away from my ear as she goes on and on.
If your parent is in a retirement community then she is looked after safety wise and let her go. Do not call or answer ( get a machine)
She has lifelong psyc issues and she can't ever change now. She is bitter and do not her drag you into bitterness. it is sad we had to have that kind of parent but save yourself and get some distance/less interaction. You care and that is enough. She will never thank you

Ask yourself this: What did you do that you should become a victim for her horrible personality and traits. And ask what makes you think that you SHOULD be her victim and what gives her the right to treat you this way. Then you will see that she is who she is, and she is getting worse. Forget the why's of her actions. The fact is she is making your life hell and YOU are not getting any younger. I have learned a hard lesson in life - sometimes there are situations or people in you life who are making life a miserable hell for you and nothing you do or don' do is going to "fix" things. So then you have two choices. You stay and be destroyed a little at a time until there is nothing left of you. OR, you can walk away, never look back, start a new life and HAVE THE LIFE YOU DESERVE. You owe something like this, and I don't care if she is your mother or the actual devil, you owe it to YOURSELF to get away. The therapist is right. You can't change or control the relationship between your father and her. But you can get out of this hell. Do it NOW.

I am really feeling like there is hope for me to deal with my mother Today I found myself snapping at my husband because of being so hurt and angry at my 81 year old mean mom. I plan to come and read these posts instead of complaining to the rest of my family and instead of being depressed!

Look up the books written by Sister Renee Pittelli. They gave me tremendous peace and I hope they can do the same for you.

I think you should take her to the care taking services and you deal with your own life.

You will never find peace until you learn to accept her as she is. I didn't say you have to "like" her and the way she is, just accept her. When she gets on your nerves, excuse yourself - go to another room. Don't argue or explain. She may eventually get the message, but don't count on it. She is what she is. You cannot change her. Only God has the power to do that. Good luck.

Turn a deaf ear. You cannot NOT spend time with her but you can just try to tune her out. Mine is severely narcissistic. She had gotten slightly better in the last two years but overall her entire life has been about HER. My advice to other women and or younger women is take a good hard look at the in-laws before you say I DO. You have no idea how they will later in life affect your life. Good luck

Exceptionally accurate and helpful insight, Ginger May... (So sorry you and any of us have to learn these difficult truths). Also, it does seem more common that woman/mothers are identified as narcissists and seem to know how to find spouses/husbands with passive/care-taker personalities who are unable to stand up for themselves or their children. I know from observation that my dear father, a strong man in every OTHER situation or job in his life, was afraid of my mother, just like us kids were - and still are. Most dads esp of a certain older generation just didn't know anything about narcissism, no access to education about it. Even if their adult children tried to explain it... many of these older generation dads felt it would be disloyal to stand up to the wife.

However, I have a narcissist brother in law and know of many other narcissistic men. Their cruel behavior at home is forcefully kept hidden from the view of outsiders - just like narc mothers manipulate family members to "keep quiet" about the abuse at home. Sadly, patriarchal culture is pervasive around the world. Even our "christian" churches here in the US often turn a blind eye concerning male aggression with wives and children as it is seen as a "strength" for a father to be a strong "disciplinarian". Thankfully, more and more of us are learning... to protect ourselves as we let go of the guilt they created in us to "care for them" at all costs to our own well being. Too bad for most of us, no one at church or in the extended family came to our rescue when we were scared and traumatized little kids...

I realize this is a thread from a few years ago, but gets quite a bit of activity since many of us relate to it. Wondering why is that mothers are commonly identified as Narcs in the family and not fathers? Is it just that I notice it more, or are moms the parent who tends to be more Narc that dads? I keep thinking of that movie Ordinary People, and even as I saw it when I was 14 years old, I thought it was my life.

Three choices: distance yourself, go low contact, or go no contact. Narcs don't change because they lack the skills of self awareness and growth. If you set boundaries, they disregard them leading only to more conflict which they like because it fuels them. Sadly, their victims/anyone in their path pays the price by constantly feeling drained and in a state of conflict with them. If you want peace in your life, if you want to put yourself first in your own life and be happier and healthier, it seems the avenue is one of acceptance for what the situation is, forgive them for their shortcomings, focus on your own life without them.

Hello, I take issue with the answer being "divorce your mother". As many have said, we either want to help our elderly parent(s), or that message was engrained in our psyche by these same parent(s) long ago.
For me, the answer was to establish clear boundaries. It's not about never talking or seeing them again. It's about the role reversal - and you are now more of the decision maker, POA, Health Care Surrogate, etc. With these powers that were given to you by your parent, you have to begin recognizing when you feel you are being taken advantage of by your parent. And, that is when you start establishing clear boundaries that if your parent is alert you verbalize to them; and, if your parent suffers from dementia or Alzheimer's you must create these boundaries with your self and you are the one who is control of which choices you make in regard to your parent. What are you willing to do, how much can you put up with, when to draw the line that enough is enough. You must take the lead, and establish that you are capable of sticking to your decisions. It's not "guilt" that is the result. It is that you need and want to take care of you, if you are incapable of making yourself number one in your life, the ability to truly help yourself and others disappears altogether.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to share some of what I have been learning for the past five years.

MAKE SURE PROVISIONS ARE MADE FOR HER TO BE OK TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY. THEN FACE REALITY. LISTEN TO THE PROFESSIONALS. SHE WILL NOT CHANGE. I HAD A BROTHER CURSING ME UNTIL HIS DYING DAY, HE COULD NOT SEEM TO HANDLE THAT I DID NOT JUST LET HIM WALK ALL OVER ME OR THE FOLKS TAKING CARE OF MY MOM. BOY WHEN I TOLD HIM HE WAS BEING A JERK IT WAS LIKE THE JOKER FROM BATMAN MOVIE COMING OUT OF A VAT. HE WAS POISON. HE SPREAD RUMORS AND LIES ABOUT ME TO EVERYONE. HE WENT BEHIND MY BACK TO TRY TO UNDO ALL THE PROVISIONS I HAD PUT IN PLACE FOR MOM ( I AM HER POA)....IT WAS A SADISTIC BEHAVIOR....HE WAS A BULLY....A PROFESSED CHRISTIAN BUT BELIEVE ME, JESUS CHRIST DID NOT SET THE PACE FOR ANY OF HIS BEHAVIOR. SORRY TO SAY, BUT YOU ARE TRYING TO FIND A FOUR LEAF CLOVER IN A FIELD OF DUNG, THAT HAS BEEN TRAMPLED BY BULLS.....IT IS NOT THERE....YOU WILL NEVER FIND IT AND YOU WILL ONLY DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY LOOKING FOR IT AND PROBABLY IRRITATE THOSE WHO LOVE YOU THAT TELL YOU TO ABANDON SHIP, SAVE YOURSELF.......YUP....IT'S THE TITANTIC, THE ICEBERGS ARE HUGE...THE WATER IS ICY.....THE ROW BOATS ARE FADING FAST......DON'T TRY TO SAVE SOMETHING THAT IS ALREADY SOLID FROZEN AND WON'T FIT INTO THE BOAT ANYWAY.....SAVE YOURSELF....USE THAT LOVE AND ENERGY FOR WHO NEEDS AND WILL ACCEPT IT.....JESUS CHRIST SAT THE EXAMPLE ON WHEN IT IS OKAY TO WIPE THE DUST OFF OF YOUR FEET AND MOVE ON......HE WIPED THE DUST OF HIS FAMILY ALSO. MAY THE PEACE OF OUR LORD BE WITH YOU. MY HEART IS ACHING FOR YOU BECAUSE I CAN FEEL YOUR PAIN. BUT YOU CAN RISE ABOVE THE PAIN. PEACE

If you have a narcisstic mother, what do you do? YOU WALK AWAY. These people cannot and will not change to be kind and loving. They are what and who they are and if YOU stay and care for them, they will destroy you. Let them find their own way for help. You go and make a life for yourself which makes you happy. You owe people like this nothing.

My mother was narcissistic and was impossible to get along with and for most of my life I tried everything to please her but nothing seemed to work and I always felt guilty when she got angry with me. But, now that she is gone, I see many mistakes I made with her. I tried too hard to please her even when it was not beneficial to her. I wanted her love and affection but I never got it until she was about gone with severe Dementia. Her last three years were very difficult for me because she would not cooperate but I accepted her as she was and learned not to feel guilty.

She loved me in her own way. She had severe dementia and would not eat the food at the center she was in, so i brought her food she could eat from home and she was perfectly happy. When she got real bad, close to the end, she would tell me how pretty I was and things I had always wanted to hear. And we were. Finally at peace. I did the best I could for her and realized I should have accepted her the way she was many years ago.

My therapist kept telling me that my mother and I had a toxic relationships and I should just not be around her and I know now, I should have backed off but I am glad we were able to work it out before she passed away. I always loved her but I did not like the way she was. And it took me too long to see the truth of her narccistic behavior was not because of anything I had done. Many people do have to disassociate with narcissict family members when it gets too painful and you should not feel guilty. We cannot let them abuse us. We can only do as much as they will allow without making our life living hell. There is a point of no return. And it's so sad. But, just try backing off some if the relationships is too toxic. You must think about youself and how much the relationship is hurting you.

Wow sounds just like my Mother in Law. Sign her up for activities at the Retirement place and help her make a few friends so she can Drive them Crazy. Hopefully she is not a terror at the Elder care home or they can throw her out. At my mother in laws last place they wanted her out. Yes she was that Bad. Good Luck..

Evepenman, how familiar this all sounds! being 'the scapegoat and problem solver', mother living in denial and narcissism, with too much stuff and clutter, and a husband who doesn't communicate well other than exploding, and often feeling very alone - yes yes yes, this is / was me, to a T. Only difference being that I wasn't worried about being a narcissist myself (and that I have children) - I'd done enough work on myself to know that wasn't me. And I really don't think you need have worries in that area - it sounds as though you have a healthy degree of self-knowledge, & are prepared to go on working at that - something narcissists appear to be unable to do.

In my case, thank heavens - and may God forgive me for this thought - after years of increasing unpleasantness, as my mother's incipient dementia (which everyone else in the family was in denial about) worsened, mother finally died, aged 98, and thus I am FREE at last.

The legacy of her manipulative actions within the family lives on - my Aspergerish husband (with clear narcissistic traits himself) ganged up with her against me, as did my difficult, partially disabled sister & to an extent, even my Asperger's son (who mother sort of 'kidnapped' - i.e., took him over & pushed me out): for the last few years, I wasn't even allowed to see her, having been blamed for causing her to have some kind of attack (?)! (She'd managed to work herself up into a frenzy after a visit from me, during which I apparently upset her by asking why I was the only one in the family who was no longer permitted to have a key to her house. I think I had not realised the extent of the dementia, or realised quite how the family dynamics were changing, otherwise I would have avoided such direct attempts to discuss things - & maybe tried to put up and shut up.) 

Old family friends were turned against me, and I've been cut out of her will. All this after many decades of devoted help and caring for her, and for my sister. All the good, kind things I ever did for them have been ignored / negated.

Narcissistic mothers / people are certainly very hard to deal with. The traits are clearly intensified by age, and, in my own case, the situation is complicated by having family members with an autistic spectrum disorder and partial disability in the mix.

I do try to turn negatives into positives, and thank God for the opportunity for understanding and self growth that this situation has given me. I have to admit that I do also feel a little sorry for myself - getting completely cut out of the will is a knife in the wound, as though my husband is relatively well off, he tends to keep his bounty for himself, and I struggle sometimes (you can guess which of us tends to help out the children more).

Bringing up my own daughter has thrown even more light on the situation: I would never ever behave to her, as my mother has done with me. If anything, my understanding of this situation has helped me to be a better mother, as I see so clearly how mothers should NOT behave. I'm glad to say that my efforts do seem to be paying off, as my daughter is turning into a wonderful, very thoughtful adult. (I'm getting there with my son, too.)

Thank goodness for this forum, and thank you for reading. I wish you, evepenman, the very best of luck with your situation & thank you for telling us about it.

The agingcare forums are the only place where I have found people who are not scared to admit their feelings for their narcissistic parents, especially the mothers. I am fed up with mother worship, as if mothers can do no wrong because they got pregnant (by accident!) and now they know what's best for everyone.

The more the people in my life refuse to see the narcissism for what it is, the more I question if they are narcissists too since they are offspring (like I am) of a narcissist. I question myself 'am I a narcissist?' and I know I have those tendencies to want things my way, but I feel more aware of the emotions that come over me so that I can keep them in check rather than letting them control me. The more I've learned about narcissism in mothers the more it has helped me to be aware of it in myself; I'm not a mother, don't know if I'll ever be one, and it saddens me that now I don't know if I should ever be a mother due to the bad examples I've had in my life. I still want a mother I can look up to as a role model and it breaks my heart that it's not my own mom or even my man's mom.

I am the scapegoat and problem solver, but it doesn't matter if I solve a problem or not because it's me doing it, the daughter she's jealous of and competes against to prove she's better than me. AND I'M HER GODDAMN DAUGHTER! That is not how a mother should behave. That is not love. That is not healthy. That is not what I want and I hate that that's what I got and continue to get.

That's why I don't want mothers in my life, at the extreme end of my thinking. I question if I should not be with a man who has a mother because my man's mother is showing more of her narcissistic side in her entitled 70s and I don't like seeing what it's creating; I can't even talk to him about my feelings of what's going on because he wasn't taught to communicate well other than exploding when it hits a point; since his mom doesn't communicate directly to him and has withheld important information from him in the past, I can see where he learned it. He'll go along with his mom and do what she asks; he's her only son, and her only daughter is hours away and barely visits if once a year. Her only daughter, only grandson, and only great-grandchild don't even make an effort to come up and visit from a few hours away. I take that as a sign that they don't want to see her; talking on the phone is one thing, but when family doesn't visit that tells me something, because I don't visit my own parents for the same reason -- my mother lives in a world of denial and narcissism, not to mention a house packed with too much stuff that she can't let go of but doesn't take care of the clutter, and I am tired of enabling her by agreeing with everything she says and does.

I appreciate what DIGITALBANKER said as far going no contact and not giving them an audience. That is what the narcissist wants, an audience to feel like a victim in front of and tell their stories to about how their children don't listen to them (for good reason!).

However, I'll get told that I'm a narcissist for writing things like this and making my voice heard; I rationalize that that's the writer in me who knows what it's like to be alone in the world looking for something to let you know you're not alone; it's not the audience that matters to me as much as an individual gaining something from my writing for their betterment, not mine; my betterment comes in the skill of writing, not growing an audience. I often feel very alone with my experiences in life even though I don't think I'm alone, and I know I'm not alone and people need to know they're not alone when it comes to living with these types of situations. Is this my own narcissistic denial, or my own personality of over-analyzing, or just too late at night?

It's not fun when you know what your mother is and what you are, and it's not fun when people remind you of it in arguments and it makes you question if you are just as bad as the mother. But to question myself tells me I'm not a narcissist, or at least not as narcissistic as those who are unable to question themselves and believe wholeheartedly they are 100% not narcissistic. I have tendencies that aren't pleasant and a lot of improvement to do, and it's challenging to not have better examples in front of me to learn from, so I have to find a solution because I want something better than this. I am a problem solver, after all.

Maybe someone else will read this and understand that I just have to get it out otherwise I'll go nuts keeping it in; it's hard to talk to people who don't understand the harsh realities of narcissism beyond Vanity Smurf.

Thank you for reading.

Boy if THIS doesn't sound like my mother. A Witch!! I could go on and on..but I would just get so upset. I hate the fact that I CANNOT STAND HER !!!

I noticed this is an old thread and I hope you were able to resolve the issue. However, if not, the best way to deal with a narc is not at all. This is done by going no contact. You can also learn about gray rocking, by showing no excitement or enthusiasm in anything they say. Just show no interest and don't give them an audience

Dear golden23,

Thank you for the advice. I am struggling with boundaries with my mother and siblings. I am grateful for everyone's comments and suggestions.

Keepon - an antipsychotic and an antidepressant have helped a lot with my narc mother. I am glad it has helped yours too

HATEMOOCH007 - I have a narc mother and sister who is the golden girl. Like you I am the scapegoat and get it coming and going. Mother is now in a ALF soon to go into an NH and I have virtually cut contact with my sister. It is the only way I can have some peace. I recommend it

My 86 yr old just waved the broom at 2 large potted plants and told me to move them. She then was waved the broom by my head with more orders in the yard. Its never enough and never a thank you. I'm painting the house currently. I'm the scapegoat ,I use the term whipping boy for when she needs to unload and complain , which is all the time.
I have a younger brother who if I mention he should help , she throws a fit. He is her saint , and I'm the scapegoat. She is the meanest , narcissistic person I will ever know. I'm seeing a counsellor. I catch it on both ends ,a mean narcissistic mother and a manipulating brother.

My narcissistic mother has been a nightmare most of my life. If it weren't for my father I would have cut her out of my life ages ago. She has always had "two faces". The one she shows to family and the one she shows to the rest of the world. If you met her you would think, "what a lovely charming person". She is now in a wonderful care facility. Her doctor there insisted she see a there therapist. The therapist recommended antidepressants. We have to call them "muscle relaxers". But she's become human. And the aides and I see the lovely charming person, most of the time.

Take a long vacation from her... If she is in an assisted living they can provide transportation. Live yourself a good life and you do not have to feel guilty or see a therapist. If you do something for her do two NICE things for yourself.

Playagrandma,
I'm 60 and in the same situation. Just had hip replacement surgery 2 1/2 weeks ago and my MIL keeps after my husband about why I can't come and see her.
My husband and I have been married 39 years, but she still insists on being the center of our lives. Here is what you have to do.
1. Make sure she's in a good facility with dedicated caregivers.
2. Determine how often you will see her and still maintain your own life and interests, downtime, etc.
3. Unless her therapist understands narcissism and BPD, etc and your mother is suddenly willing, this latest therapy is going nowhere.
4. Get yourself into therapy so they can teach you how to disconnect emotionally, so you can still do the things your mother needs but don't get destroyed in the process.
5. Establish boundaries I.e., one phone call a day, one visit per week, no rants etc.
6. Your mother is trying to make you fill a hole in her life that cannot be filled. Stop being Party to it. She was the adult in your relationship.
7. Ask your therapist for a book about narcissistic mothers. Read it, so you can solidify the concept that you are not a terrible person.
8. Squelch and tendencies in your own life to treat your children the way she treats you.
9. Accept that she's probably not going to change, but don't accommodate her whims and power plays.
10. Number 4 is the most important point here.:) I wish you a happy, fulfilling life and strength and patience and courage to say "No".

This post sent me off to You-tube and I saw an excellent video on covert narcissism. Bingo! I think that is what a lot of us are dealing with. These people tend to be shy and often isolate themselves. They are very self-centered and feel entitled. They lack empathy, though they may feign it when needed. Funny enough they also overdo the empathy act like they're copying something they see on TV. They even steal the lines. It was an interesting video. The advice was to get away from the narcissist because they are abusive. They use guilt trips, self pity, and gaslighting and can often make someone feel like they are the one who is the problem. The abuse can be so subtle that it is tough to put a finger on any certain thing. Crazy making. If you get a chance go to You-tube and look for covert narcissist by Richard Brannon, Spartan Lifecoach.

But look at me being negative again.

The best way to deal with a narcissist is not at all. Trust me when I say I have some experience on dealing with a narcissist, I really do. They really don't want you to be happy, but they want you miserable like them. When you're happy they can't stand it and they try to bring you down and ruin that happiness. The best thing you can do right now is to do it she says and mind your own business and just not help her no more. Just leave the situation and move on with your own life. If you're living with her or just visiting just quit coming around and change your number as well as the locks on your door. Cut her completely out of your life if she's going to act like that and don't fall for anything she says because narcissists don't mean it. They have a very strong tendency to love bomb. Love bombing is there a clever way of sucking you in to their trap and you don't know it until it's too late. There's also such a thing as gas lighting, you may want to watch YouTube videos on narcissists to gain a better understanding to what you're going through right now. Learn all you can and what to do about narcissists. You will learn that the best thing you can do is to leave the situation and not look back. You have a right to be happy without the narcissist even in your life. Don't share anything with her anymore and don't except no phone calls or any other contact as long as she's acting like that. These kinds of people normally never change, don't expect it

Wow she sounds like my Mother in Law. She might need some anti-anxiety medicine. I noticed a HUGE difference in my mother in law since she was put on a low dose. Be good to yourself, maybe wear earbuds and keep the music low when you are with her. I eventually just went someplace in my mind when mine was really bad. Tuned her out so to say. I find reading people's situations on this site very helpful. You are not alone.

Nothing. If a parent wants to be left alone-respect their wishes. Live your own life. You have no idea how blessed you are being a caregiver to my mom for 8 years and she 100% depends on me for everything and I have no life of my own. I even sacrificed my own retirement and savings for her. I don't regret it though--I love my mom. She means everything to me. But I did have to sacrifice myself for her. Perhaps you blessed that you can live your own life.