How do you deal with a narcissistic mother?

Libracat: I am so sorry about your leg. Damn, I bet that hurt. Can I ask you a question? How does your husband feel about having you mom living with you? I can't imagine that he enjoys have his home filled with her presence or the tensions it brings to the environment.

I think your sister loves you, but she can't control your mom's behavior either. Maybe she is suggesting that you not submit yourself to this anymore. That is the only thing that will bring change to your life. It really is the only solution.

Don't be mad at me. I know this is not an option you want to take even if it is a sensible one. I'm just sorry to see you going through all this.

You will have some time getting better from the leg break. I'm sending you love and white light. Cattails

Libracat! Same deal with me with the labor story! I was a breach birth and my mom never got over telling anyone who would listen how painful her labor was. No way she would have anymore children. She told this story for years and this story kept me from having children - I was too scared of the pain! What a horried thing to do to a child. I'm alone on the earth now - have no one!

Save yourself!! I just finally, at the age of 57, have come to the realization that no matter what I do or endure from her she is not capable of love. There is a lot that goes with being a narcissist and my mother has pulled every card in the book. She had alienated all family members from each other so she could have them to herself. Most now don't speak to her at all. I have been like a 2 year old all my life trying to get her love. Even though my mother made me have holidays alone if my sister wanted the time, I kept waiting. When dear sister didn't want to spend a holiday then I had a command performance.
This saga goes on and on and really reads like some weird Gothic novel except instead of real poison it comes from her lips. I am in a crisis right now with her pulling a master manipulation to get put onto Hospice. Hospice has now cut her loose and I know the goal of her quest is to get me to move in with her and wait on her hand and foot like my father did. She chose to quit walking twenty years ago and he kowtowed to her every whim. She chain smokes with no regard to others and up until the hospice thing she drank gin every night.
I started my diatribe with SAVE YOURSELF and I am writing it to you as much as to myself. There is so much emotion with the narcissist being your own mother and the desire to do what is right for family. I have this twisted idea that family is supposed to be special no matter how they treat you.

Webgypsy: What's twisted is what binds those who are abused to the abuser. This seems to be the underlying truth. When the abuser is the parent, somehow the child keeps trying, no matter how old they are and how futile it is. The love and acceptance that child wants is not going to come. All you can do as an adult child of an abuser is give yourself, that inner child, the love it needs. Only you can do it for yourself.

I recently read a post from a woman whose mother hit her in the face with her closed fist and told her that no matter what she did, it would never be enough. This is not a child, but a grown woman who was literally slugged in the jaw. Her mom has done many things to undermine her life and her ability to earn an income (by putting the daughter's company out of business via hateful connections she had in the same business). And what does this daughter say? "I will be there for my mom and she knows she can always count on that."

I'm sorry for the bind and dependency that everyone feels, but you have to know in some fiber of your being that this is a sick relationship. You are continuing to be abused.

Webgypsy, you seem to be coming to that realization. Please do save yourself. Leave her behind and let her sleep in her own bed. Don't sleep there with her.

I mean all of this in the kindest and most heartfelt manner. Please get counseling and get out of these abusive relationships.

Cattails

OMG! She sounds totally impossible. I don't know how you are able to stand it day after day. I find myself loosing patience with my Mum and then I feel guilty after. I really don't know why you aren't burned out....how do you have anything left of yourself to give her. How long can you remain healthy yourself dealing with that everyday? I hope this forum has been helpful to you. It helps to share with others! Stay strong and take good care of YOURSELF!

Oh, the birth story... I get that one. She calls it her "bed of pain" and her voice gets whiney when she says it like she's still suffering. Just those 3 words...bed..of.. pain... can make me feel voilent. Today, she tells me that my aunt had a "mild" heart attack and that my cousins "won't let her do a thing for herself... it must be so nice to have children who worry so much about her. She doesn't need to lift a finger." The last time she said something like that to me, I was on my hands and knees washing her nasty kitchen floor. I happened to be under the table. I shot up like a rocket and gave my head such a whack that I couldn't even breathe for a minute. Its funny now, but that table saved her from a verbal tirade from me. I was too busy seeing stars. The tirade would've just made her even more of a victim anyway. The selfishness and need for the lime light just amazes me. Her mother was the same way. When my brother broke his neck, my grandmother went into some drama about a "bellyache" and fell down in front of us on the kitchen floor. She just couldn't stand that someone else was hurt worse than her stupid bellyache. Scares me in a way. Mother and grandmother were cut from the same mold. I just hope I don't end up like that.

My mother has been angry at me again since I told her that my daughter was expecting. We kept it from her for a few months. This is my first biological grandchild (I have been blessed to share my husband's grandkids who I love and adore). She has since screamed at me, told me I called my sister and hollered at her until she was hysterical (I haven't spoken to my sister in 9 months), told me that my daughter caused all the problems in the family and I when I tried to settle her down, screamed "Don't defy me!" I know this is partially dementia (although no one else in the family believes me) but it wears you down. I cut back my time with her substantially several months ago after a couple of false allegation incidents (that my siblings buy into to and they have disowned me). She has a home health worker now who she rips apart on a regular basis as "the stupidest thing she's ever seen" that she wants to "slap upside the head". I've hung in there trying to keep any kind of relationship with her but I cut way way back on how much and what I do for her. I am also in therapy where I have some healthy guidance on boundaries and a sounding board. It's not ideal, but it lets me live without guilt and hopefully without regret when she ultimately passes. Even if you've tried therapy before, I would give it another chance to help with setting boundaries. Having a professional to give reason to the guilt and obligation that binds us is extremely helpful. Good luck to you. It is sad that this disorder (which I think was always there) manifests so strongly in old age when even "normal" people become self absorbed. Just try to manage what you can manage - there's not much else you can do. You will never get approval or validation at this stage of the game.

I want to start my post by saying how much appreciation I have for all of you and your honesty. I was always brought up to honor my parents which I've always tried to do. However, so much of what I read here tells me my mother truly fits into this category of being narcassistic. She has always be demanding and controlling and never, never wrong! She has never allowed me having friends in my life when she was included or allowed to tag along. We tried at one point 20 years ago to live together which ended up as me making the house payment and she lived in every room of the house including my bedroom! That lasted only a short time. Bottom line here is that I've tried all of my life to please her and it never happened! Now that she is old (90) she is worse than ever. She is in rehab for a broken leg and hates everying about it. Wouldn't you know I picked the rehab center after searching every center in town. She hates the aides (two slow), the food (nasty), the other residents, the on-site doctor, physical therapy, etc, etc. I have been visiting daily, doing laundry - knocking my lights out to make her happy. She doesn't even talk to me when I visit. She just stares at the ceiling and I think she blames me for the fact that she is there. After my day last Sunday which I described as "my day from hell" on another post, I told her yesterday that until she was able to treat me better, I won't be back for anymore visits. I just can't take her behavior. I'm 64 years old and as I look back on her behavior I can see that she was always cold and distant from me. I came to believe this was normal behavior! As she aged she became even colder to me and so seemingly uncaring. Hateful! How could I have been so blind for so many years? Has this happened to all of you as well. As I said above, I had no children due to the stories of my birth being so difficult. It made me scared and afraid and I felt the disadvantages outweighed the advantageous. She also told me children made a woman "washed up." I think that she has been a bitter woman for a very, very long time. Thank you all for helping me to see this - just wish I could have recognized it sooner. Hugs to you all!

Have you noticed how many people with NM's talk about how nice their fathers were and how their mom's drove them into the ground? The only kind of man who could be with a NM is one that would give and give and get nothing in return. You've been given an example of suffering to follow. Look around and see who is still standing in your families. The motto is divide and conquer and these women have honed this skill to perfection. Sadly, they don't care who they hurt or devastate in the process. Next up on the kill list....don't let it be you. You deserve to be happy and free of their cruelty.

So sorry Libracat ~HUG~ keep that leg rested & allevated.

Thanks, everyone, for your kind wishes. I am coming along slowly but painfully and will have an appointment at the fracture clinic this coming Monday for more X-rays and another type of cast - don't know how long I'll be wearing that one for.
I never understood how frustrating it could be to be debilitated and to have to depend on others to bring you things and do for you........contrast this to my mother, who has suddenly perked out of her helplessness and now wants the control of being in charge of me, the "patient"......she has already rearranged the kitchen to her liking, checked out every cupboard in there (especially the one with cookies and snacks), discovered hidden doughnuts in the fridge and is monitoring who is using her bathroom and how much of her toilet paper (her toilet is handicapped-modified so I have been using it since it is a long drop once I have let go of the crutches to sit on my own!!)
All of a sudden she is able to make a sandwich and a cup of tea on her own for lunch, answer and monitor the phone calls, instruct people when to call or not call, and order me about my medication - wow, what a turn-around after not doing anything for almost four years.......so I guess it's time for an Oscar!!
This certainly wasn't the way I expected to spend my summer, and it means giving up my wonderful walks in the park and conservation area with my granddaughter, but I have to heal, for I fear that this leg may never feel/work the same afterward.
It only goes to prove that all along my mother has been fully capable of doing things for herself and looking after herself, but in her narcissistic haze believes that she is entitled to the catering, babying and pampering that she fully thinks she deserves......there must be a name for the syndrome in which parents had children just so that they could be "looked after" in their elderly years? What do you think about that? It's beyond obvious that the post-war generation had completely different methods of raising children as contrasted to modern-day ones...........

The mentality of a narcissists is that their children owe it to them to help. My mother has gone as far as to complain about how her elderly neighbor's two sons will do all their mothers yard work each week so she doesn't have to pay a yard service like my mother. Having to work and take care of your own home is beside the point to a narcissist after all, it's all about them. I know a family (don't know what to call this type of child raising) where every single member, aunts, uncles, nieces, cousins, etc. are so clannish and stuck on their own blood line from the fraternal side. When a new baby is born in that family they claim ownership and only the fraternal heritage and history is past on. They are exclusive only with blood relatives and anyone who marries into the family has no identity within the family unless they give up their own family ties. What do you call that...it's hard for me to get my mind around how this family structure works. I have never met another family that is structured this way. Everything the family members do must please the patriarch of the family. You would think they were the Kennedy's or a family of royalty.
Libracat, now that you know your mother can make her own lunch, etc. it seems to me that when you heal, there can be some changes made. I don't know if you qualify for a walking cast but if you do, then maybe you can get out to walk a little with your granddaughter.

Well fancy that Libracat...a Mum 'who can'! lol Maybe now you won't feel so bad about taking those extra hours shopping or doing things for yourself huh? :D

We have a long weekend end of week and my NM has already devised a good excuse to force me to spend hours sitting with her (while she whines about everone & thing). I'm one step ahead though and rang my sister to ask her to catch a bus over to go spend time with her mother, so that I can utilise my extra day at home to get on with getting my own stuff done around the house.
I also got the "Others come over to their Mum's and curl their hair, do their nails, make cuppas"............"Yep Mum, but they have more then one person in the family who aren't working and can drive a car and have the time to go visit for hours on end. Sadly, I'm one person."
You see, my mother has honed her skills over the years and what she thinks should happen, she twists into saying 'such-n-such told me this, or your sister said that', so that we feel guilty and supposedly dumb enough to believe that she didn't make it up herself.

Hi ASympathiser, oh I do know full well what you're talking about......they've had many, many years to hone their skills and know exactly whom they can/can't manipulate - someone asked me earlier on here how my husband feels about having her here. Well, he is one of the "manipulated" - because she has done some good things for us over the years, and helped us out in difficult situations, he just adores her and spoils her at every turn. I don't know too many husbands who would put up with, or want their mother-in-law in residence but he isn't bothered in the least - problem is she plays him against me whenever she can, and, if she can't get the information she wants out of me or my daughters, she knows she can pry it out of him.
Of course, when I complain to him about what she's done or said, he dismisses it with "Leave her alone- she's old and she's sick". Perfect excuses!!
Now that I've been incapacitated with my broken leg, she's suddenly jumped to life, trying to control everything, doing things she hasn't done in three and a half years (because I'VE been doing them!!) and of course she has scoped out the whole house and is having a field day.......reading things left out that don't belong to her, monitoring the phone calls and mail, making decisions that aren't hers to make and going to town on the food in the fridge and cupboards. She is just beset by devilment knowing where all the snacks and "forbidden" foods are so she is in her glory now.
Because I am in a vulnerable position she now has a leg up -- hahahahaha!! Forgive me for that one please!!

There are 5 of us and we only do the very minimum for her because she is a NM. She loves to point out the neighbors daugther does so much for her or how everyone gets flowers for mothers day etc etc. Of course she doesnt get it that the neighbors mother and daughter get along-like friends. That the mothers who get flowers either have a great relationship with her children or they live far away and never see their mothers. And as far giving her gifts, we can never please her. She dont need the money and she expects gifts. We buy her clothes and she takes them back. When our dad was living, if one of bought something for dad that costs more than her gift-she bitched. This past Christmas she got a lot of nice clothes-instead of being grateful she complained cause no one bought her any jewerly. And of course the clothes were taken back. I think most of us are at the point where she will get gift cards for christmas and just a card for mothers day. Its what it is.

Yes, yes, yes.......this is a very good NM picture, playagrandma - I constantly hear "Oh you know Blanche? Well she's got three sons and they do everything for her.....they take her out to dinner every day and she doesn't have to lift a finger", blah blah blah - they just love to regale you with these stories but in the meantime forget that THEY aren't lifting a finger either because YOU are doing all the work for them - but that is very easily forgotten.
Mine called my cousin in the States and told her that my sibling has done far more for her than I EVER have.......meanwhile he hadn't seen her in three years. When she was hospitalized I went to see her every day for four months (I missed three days: 2 due to illness, one due to a new fridge being delivered). She called her friend and said that I had only been to see her 2 days and, never mind, it was useless because I didn't bring her what she wanted anyway.
You will constantly be compared to other mothers and daughters because these ones think they are the paragon of motherhood and see themselves in a perfectionistic light . If you ever dare to remind them of what they have done as far as NOT being a good parent/mother, you will be attacked and lashed out against, never mind the fact that they will deny anything that they have ever done wrong and the blame will be on you in the end " You were always on your father's side, you got that from your father's side of the family, you were always a troublemaker".
Forget about ever trying to please them with gifts. Two years in a row on her birthday mine sat and chewed unmercifully about what she had got - not from my sibling, not from her friend or granddaughters, only mine.......(don't forget there is the golden child and then there is the scapegoat......and you are it).
Comment one was "do you realize that this is the first year that you haven't given me any money?" This after having spent at least $500.00 on the gifts that she sent me a list to get her. Next year it was "do you realize that this is the first year you haven't given me any jewellery?" which was the last thing she needed since my husband is in the business and spoiled her with every single thing she could get out of him in 35 yrs.
This week I have been incapacitated by a broken leg, as many of you on here might know......my husband has bent over backwards bringing in gourmet food for her to eat, because, G-d knows, she HAS to eat - she eats more than a man and certainly more than I do (my medication gives me nausea and has taken away my appetite). He has gone to the best restaurants in town, picking up dinner entrees for her, ordering in food, etc. -- but guess what -- there is SOMETHING WRONG with every single thing he has paid exorbitant amounts of $$ for just to keep her satisfied. Grilled chicken, grilled vegetables, potatoes and coleslaw? "These potatoes are cold, I don't want any" Gourmet macaroni and cheese with imported truffle oil? "This is loaded with garlic, I won't like it" (what's her favourite snack? garlic and parmesan crackers) Pizza with exotic vegetables? "I can't eat that - I don't know what it is"...........
Playagrandma, isn't it sick and sad that we have had to put up with this in our lives? Your post describes her to a "T" - if only I had been smart enough at age 20, when she pushed me out the front door of our home with a small suitcase and a $10 bill because I was "a bother" and "causing too many problems between your Dad and I" (he drank himself to death to get rid of her) -- I should never have let her back into my life, for she is just a parasite and is not even liked by her "friends".
Yes, this is a very harsh comment to make about your own mother, but to me I feel that I have grown up without one, and this is why in high school I would beg to go to others' homes after school, to get some semblance of what real life was like in a real family, and maybe to get something to eat, because we were not allowed in the fridge.......
You are right about any gifts, for your mother - just get a gift card or stuff some cash in a card and give it to her - that's all that means anything to them anyway for they will pick apart whatever you get them. Money is their "currency" as Dr. Phil would say!!

here is a couple of classic examples and although both happened years ago-these will never be forgotten. The first one was like 35 years ago. I had all my family for Christmas. I decided that with three siblings still at home and both parents working-decided that it would be nice to get her a microwave. They had really just come out and back then they were very big and very expensive. With three real young siblings and a brother in college-they couldnt chip in much, which was fine with me and my husband. Christmas morning, we bring out the wrapped microwave and the first words out of he rmouth was "i hope in the hell that isnt a microwave?' Talk about embarrassed and to add insult to injury-when my baby brother got married=she GAVE him the microwave. The second insistent was maybe 20 years ago. All five siblings and spouses plus a few of the spouses mothers went out to lunch on mothers day. Two of my brothers wives bought corsages for their mother. My sister got one for our NM. As we are waiting to be seated-my sister gave her the corsage-she threw it back in my sisters face and says'you know I dont like flowers" The look on my sisters face-and I could have slapped my moms. And then she wonders why no one ever to this day buys her any flowers.

I have walked away from the abuse after 58 years. When I was little I knew something wasn't right with her and I used to tell her my other mother wouldn't do that.
I ended my relationship with her by telling her that She acts like I am after her money but all I have ever wanted from her was love and I realize now that she will never love me so I am done. She said O.K. fine.
It hurts to not have a loving mother but I can't make her love me no matter how hard I try. I am in mourning for the love I will never have but the mother I got was never capable of loving someone else so I am relieved to finally stop trying.
So, like I said before SAVE YOURSELF and don't worry about what others think. You are important, precious and perfect just the way you are. Don't let her tear you down anymore.

Playagrandma, I just finished reading the posts here about gift giving. I am speechless. This is a problem with my mom as well. She never likes anything except money and gift cards, to her favorite stores of course. It is so hard to buy her anything, she doesn't like perfume, jewlery, candles, never likes the clothes my brother gets her. Finally, I said to myself, "to hell with this". I gave her a nice Vera Bradley handbag, she didn't care for it, didn't use it forever. I thought she would like a light weight (she always complains handbags are too heavy) bag. She made several off comments about them not being popular where she lives (not true). so what did I do, the next Christmas, I gave her another one (it was on sale). Just to piss her off. Now she gets nothing but checks. When I recently bought a Kindle, I raved about how much I like it. I thought she was going to just have a hissy telling me how much she would NOT like one. She doesn't even have internet connection, but I just let her stew.

She gives us X amount of money for every birthday and now I turn around and sent the same back to her for her birthday. Just trading checks. My husband thinks she is nuts. I think she is rude. I love everything my girls give me because it is from them. That is what counts.

My 84 year old mother has been taught to text. It is wonderful because when she is in one of her truly hateful moods, I can check on her without having to converse. Of course she is angry about that method of communication, but she is going to be angry about something.

I told someone a couple of weeks ago that I fired my mother. My mother has said she did think she should expect me to help her when she needs help (she's 80; I'm 47). I told her of course I would help her when she needed it...then I discovered she needed it...and she accused me of trying to get control of her money, lying to her.... "I had a terrible week", she said, because after that last temper tantrum, I got up and said, "I'm done" and left. Now she keeps calling and leaving me messages, wanting to know 'how are you doing, please, PLEASE, call me.' I do not want to talk to her. I don't care if she knows how I'm doing. She has also said in the past 'maybe I'll just drop dead', like others' mothers have.

I don't feel like I have a mother. It's all been about her. I have no idea why she wanted to become a mother in the first place, except maybe because it was "expected" in those years. I feel like I was always supposed to look good and be good so she looked good. It was never about me. And I fear being narcissistic myself.

Playagrandma, you and I must be clones. Regarding the microwave story - one year I also decided to get my mother one for Christmas. It weighed a ton and I had to get someone to carry it up to her apartment that morning. It took about $20 worth of paper to wrap up, and I put a beautiful red velvet bow on it.
(I might mention that the reason I got her one in the first place is that she had told me that her friend got one and how useful it was to her and kept hinting that it would be "just the thing".)
When I walked in with it, I had a big smile on my face; I had bought her the biggest, best one that I could afford, and was anxious to see her reaction. That smile didn't stay on my face very long because as soon as she saw this big package, she said - I'm serious - almost WORD FOR WORD what yours said.
Her face squirmed up in disgust when she said it and that certainly let the air out of my balloon in a hurry. G-d forbid you should have any moment of happiness in pleasing her.
Then began the litany of complaints: "What did you have to go and do that for ......I've got no room in the kitchen for that big thing.....I don't know how to use it.......what do I need that for....." my children were aghast and none of us could imagine why she would behave this way, or say these things.
It finally occurred to me that, rather than being a convenience to her, it was nothing but an inconvenience. She has never been "modern", is lazy, would never bother to take the time to read the manual and learn how to use it. If I remember correctly I believe she actually said "Just because I mentioned it doesn't mean that I wanted one! What would possess you to go and do that!"
This is a person who never really "lived" - never travelled, never took any extra courses, never learned another language ("People who come to this country need to learn OUR language! We shouldn't be learning THEIRS!!")
And you'll love this - when she had her first heart attack (she waited four days to go to the hospital because she wouldn't pay the ambulance fee or pay for a taxi) - I went fourty miles out of my way to go to her apartment to pick up the mail and water the plants, and I noticed in the kitchen that the toaster was missing.
Guess where it was :- IN THE MICROWAVE
Now to the flower story. One Mother's Day I went over to see her. My husband and children accompanied me and when I got there, my brother and his girlfriend had gotten there first and had brought her flowers. I stopped along the way to pick up a beautiful exotic bouquet for her (I had brought presents and a card too).
When she opened the door and saw the bouquet, her face fell and in front of everyone, in a loud voice, says "Oh, NO - flowers". My daughter said, "Grandma, that's not very nice! Mommy stopped to get these just for you!"
Why, you are wondering, didn't she like them? Because it meant that she had to go into a rat-trap junk closet by the front door and ferret out a vase to put them in - and had to put up with the inconvenience of cutting off the stems, filling it with water,etc., but the main point here is her laziness. Of course, she never has the right thing, the right size, never does things the way anyone else does (i.e. the NORMAL way) -- and everything is complicated and a problem to her.
I have been off my broken leg for a week now, and if anyone brought me flowers, I would be overjoyed!!
You are damned if you do, damned if you don't - and of course, it is do as I say, not as I do. If you counter her on anything, it's "I just don't know why you enjoy arguing so much". I am so sick of her constant comments, negativity, criticizing and judging - as if she were perfect; but therein lies the problem: she thinks she IS!!
I just can't believe your and my stories are so similar. It only goes to prove that we aren't crazy and we are certainly not alone. I hate to say it - there are so many seniors where I live, always with a smile, a compliment, a nice thing to say who are enjoying life and cause no one any trouble whatsoever - but these people seem like they should never have been born! I would give my eye teeth if I could just get inside their head to find out what made them this way! It just HAS to be a form of mental illness......
It's almost as though you have gotten inside MY head with these two examples that we have both lived through. No one whom I tell them to can believe them!
I'd be interested in hearing what other people around her (your mother) who know her have to say about her........I know mine was not liked in the building she lived in and people avoided her like the plague.

Libracat: Have you considered therapy? You have such a rage towards your mom. It's not healthy for you to have this rage inside you. I think the fact that your husband really likes your mom adds to it. That would be like a slap in the face and hard to reconcile. Your life is at stake here and possibly your relationship with your husband and children. They may be wondering about your sanity.

I think it is fine to vent about the things that upset us and make our lives more challenging, but at some point you have to move forward. You can't stay stuck and just sink into hate. Read the last line of OnlyDau64. Is it possible that you could be showing signs of wanting all the attention on you and resenting the attention she gets from your family? Take a deep breath and think about this. You are a product of your upbringing. I agree that your mom is a problem, but I think she might be bringing out the worst in you. Don't let that happen. You need to have a third party to talk to and you need some honest feedback. I hope you can get to a point where you can hear a voice that is meant to help your life.

Love, Cattails

Gift-giving ugh! Just thinking about it gives me shivers.
I have one day off work to do home book-keeping for a business. I spent that entire day running round for NM because her deskfan is broken and she wanted a personal heater for the bathroom for winter. Rocked in with a bargain heater and my own fan because there were no deskfans in the shops. She told me she'd never use the heater because it costs money to run it and my fan was no good because of no push-buttons on the front. The meal I also cooked and brought over was chucked in the fridge because she already had meals from other friends to eat. Needless to say I never got my books done and I was very cranky and walked away from her just to take a few deep breathes before I said something I'd regret. She knew I was upset and said "just put the heater in the wardrobe, I may use it someday." Not a happy camper!
As for my sister's visit to her today.....
Sis and her daughter caught the bus over for the day with a handful of favourite food gifts. After defending her to me over the phone before her visit to NM because I was making cynical remarks about NM, she msg'd me after her day visit and stated that when the nurse turned up to shower mother, she had an obvious and complete change of personality in front of their eyes. They couldn't believe how she went from uncomplaining and nice to (as she got off the bed for her shower) "Owwww! my arm is hurting. There shouldn't be this much pain after 6weeks. Owww!". Of course the nurse gave her the sympathy fix she needed for the day. I just laughed and said to Sis "So I'm cynical huh?"

I agree with cattails in some respects. I know myself that anguish & rage is unhealthy and I am the only one who can change how I am affected by things.
I can only speak for myself in saying that my NM frustration comes from mostly resentment that I haven't a normal mother like others. A mother who is a friend. Someone I want to hang out with and can rely on in tough times. Who'll listen to my problems and not interfere. Instead I am in a reverse roll where I'm the mother and she the child, only with a stinging ungrateful tongue.
It does tend to grate on ones nerves over time, and like sandpaper, it wears you down to a point where you feel the only escape to sanity is to either die or a few thousand k's away. I've tried over the years standing up for myself. It works for a while then she just reverts back and I find I have to start all over again. I got tired of putting in the effort over & over.
Some days I just want to break out and scream out to her all the hateful hurting things she does, but I swallow it down and walk away, knowing its to no avail. I really don't need a suicidal mother on my conscience.

Hi Cattails, I've been wondering how you have been! You make many good points in your post above........wouldn't it only be normal that some type of therapy would be required after having grown up with a NM?
For a child, the dichotomy of having a mother like that, and seeing other children/friends/cousins etc. with their "normal" mothers, caring for them, supporting them and basically just loving them, is very hard to swallow. We, the children of NMs have grown up feeling unloved, unwanted, never any praise or hugs or words of encouragement, constantly being run down, told we are "hopeless and helpless", compared to the other siblings who got everything they wanted, left wondering what is wrong with us and what did we do to NOT deserve the love and attention that any child should receive, often physically abused for what we never knew why (usually their own rage at something else), not to mention being blamed for everything that went wrong in the family dynamic and often tossed aside and out of the family home left to fend for ourselves -- these are the arrows with which we have had to deal, and have had to pay the price for.
The children of NMs often never succeed at jobs, friendships or personal relationships. Self-esteem is non-existent. We constantly rub people the wrong way or refuse to believe that anyone could love us for, after all, if our own mothers didn't, why would someone else?
I'm sure you know all this already......it is just great to be on here to be able to vent and discuss it with others who are experiencing the same feelings.
Once I was unceremoniously "sent off", I worked very hard to shelve my past and do some mental housecleaning. I went to a new city, made new friends, found a job and a place to live and tried to re-create myself. I changed my name in an effort to build a new persona for myself. It worked for a while until I missed my dad so terribly that I just had to contact him, for he also was a faultless victim in this mess......
Unfortunately NM came back into my life when I got engaged and married. I kept up the barrier for a long time, but, when I was expecting my first child, I could not be so heartless as to deny her the joy of having a grandchild -- and that's where everything started to go downhill, from the minute I went into labour (she drove 40 miles to come to the hospital during my labour and would NOT leave, ordering the nurses, drs. etc.). Of course after I had my baby she showed up at our home, insisting on running everything and telling everyone what to do - even telling me how to care for my own baby!
As I have said, they are so parasitic, their tentacles just get into every aspect of your life and want full control - one day mine blasted me for not telling her that I had a bank account!! What business of that is hers?
Now with me being laid up, she has taken control of the kitchen and food in the house, something she hasn't done in three and a half years since I've been indentured to her. She is loving it because I have had to relinquish my surveillance on the food she is supposed to be eating and not eating, which has allowed her to take free rein on everything in the fridge and cupboards. Her need and greed for food just astounds me and you should have seen how she loaded up her plate last night, suddenly being able to boil vegetables, heat up food and believe me it was a heapin' helpin'!!
So I do hear everything that you are saying. What saddens me is that I have tried every strategy in the book, yes I have talked to professionals who are experts in this field and the only way to break this toxic attachment is to completely detach, or wait for their passing.......it's so unfortunate.
There still does not seem to be an answer as to what has created this in them!

PS she just came out to the kitchen and found me here on the computer and said "You should just strap that thing to yourself, since you can't seem to be without it........"

libra, (((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry you are still tolerating this abuse. I am not in total agreement that the only choice "to break this toxic attachment is to completely detach, or wait for their passing"and I have not had that counsel.
My counsellors have helped me to arrive at a place of emotional distancing, detachment, and healing that allow me to maintain, albeit minimal, contact with my mother, and do those things I can do, for her, while maintaining strict boundaries to protect myself.

It is not all about being separated from her by death or distance, but about managing your own emotions with regard to the past, and also the ongoing abuse. You could have no contact, and still be seething with anger at your mum. When she dies, if you have not resolved your own anger, hurt, pain, loss, her death will not remove those emotions from your heart. I believe that they will still affect you.

Sometimes we hang onto the hurt because we are not ready to give it up. Your mother likely has a personality disorder, something she was born with, that is a handicap in terms of how she relates to people. She didn't ask for it, nor did you ask for a mother with this problem. But, it is what you have to deal with. How much choice she, or my mother, or the hundreds, and thousands of other narcissistic mothers out there have, regarding their behaviour, I don't know. I only know I have to look after me, and not let her mental health problems drag me down. No one can make that decision for me, and no one can prevent me from doing that - not even her, nor the advice of a counsellor, no one.

My hope and prayer for you is that you start to focus on yourslef, your immediate family, and your own needs, and not on your mother's sick behaviour towards you, and take whatever steps you have to, to get past this place of ongoing pain that you are in now. It is very stressful emotionally, and cannot be good for your physical health,either. I would not permit my mother to take over my house - even if she insisted. Libra, that takes two people - her insisting and you allowing it. The answer is no, and if she persistes, the next step is to show her the door. Mother tried to take over my life and household several times. One time I moved out of an apartment, and left it to her, because she had moved herself in, and one time, I insisted that she leave, there was a scene (what's new) and she left. It was not pleasant., but it got the job done. Elisa1961, whose thread you may have read, has been able to restore her home to a peaceful safe place for her family, by finding a placement for her mum. it will take a while for her to heal from the trauma, but it will happen. I hope you can do the same.
Wishing you all the best - love and hugs ♥
Joan

Libracat: My suggestion about counseling was not to change your mom. It was to change how your mom affects you. When you say you have talked to professionals in this field, I'm not sure you are referring to a therapist. I think you are a very bright person, but maybe you spend too much time reading up on all the particulars of NM and not enough on your reactions to her. You are in your head a lot. You need to get to your interior and maybe a therapist could help you do that I don't know if that makes any sense.

It think Joan has explained this very well and I hope her comments are helpful to you.

Good luck and lots of hugs, Cattails