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It's comforting to know I am not alone with a selfish mother. It's extremely demanding, hair-tearing and wears you down to the point where you can observe yourself as a screaming bag-of-rage, yet you can't seem to control it when it hits. You desire family members to hear you, but they all seem to have no ears or an ounce of sympathy in their bones. No one wants to know, or help.
It's gets so bad sometimes that I find myself wishing my mother would just die and solve everything. I bet you know how that one thought screws with your mind!
Last night was one of those bad nights with her huge dummy-spits. It was so bad and demeaning that I couldn't even get up today, face the world and go to work to deal with more aged people and be able to find a smile I just didn't have within me.
Worse yet....since Xmas I've been disowned by my eldest son for not being able to live up to his own expectations of what a grandma should be to his children. That was earth-shattering in itself and I can't seem to fix it. All I can see is me ending up being like my mother...a lonely, bitter old lady.
So I feel for you dear. More then you can imagine. It's sad that at 61, I am the mother to my child-mother with a younger sister whose found a good excuse not to have to deal with her.
Today I resolved that she can stew in her own juices for a few days to perhaps realise who it is that's doing all her caring and visiting.
I'm hearing you and I can only take my own advice to you and say "find that personal power within you once and a while. It DOES help!"
Good luck
A Sympathiser
What's tearing is that we have the capacity to step into their shoes and know where they're coming from and why they feel the way they do, but I am also a believer of "don't bite the hand that feeds you!"
The reason I'm drawn to working with the aged, is because I care too much, but sadly people play on that. It would be way easier for us all to throw our hands in the air, walk away while saying 'you deal with it then'....but we don't and that's why you find us on places like this spilling our laments....lol
It's sad when one-half of a couple is left behind to cope into old age without the loving intimate support of their spouse. I feel for the poor darling and she's probably telling you the truth that she'd rather be dead.
The thing is, with aging, it's difficult to find something to give them a passion for life again, so it all spirals downhill into their own self-pity and bitterness. There is no perfect solution, but at least you have a quorum of helpers at your side to aid with the burden.
If you think she would react well to it, perhaps you could all get together and plan a mums-day meal and make a big thing of it by celebrating your dad on the day. Set a place for him. Put his photo there. Place a meal in his spot and indulge your mum into telling you the happiest moments she shared with your dad. It helps to know that she is not alone in missing him.
Cheers
ASympathiser
We can only help those who wish to help themselves. It's the old addage of 'you make your own bed, so you lie in it'. Don't let it spoil your own mothers day celebrations. I gather your an aussie because of the up-coming mum's day? Me to.
Marilyn
The other thing-I went to buy her a mothers day card today. It took me a half hour. I always try and find the one that is very impersonal. how sad! I found myself-picking up a card and it saying thank you for all you have done for me-you are the greatest mom-you were always there for me. What bs! Whats really sad that one of those mushy cards would really make her happy and yet I just cant do it. What about you? What does everyone do for their NM on mothers day.
I guess the answer is to buy not a "generic" card, but one that expresses our very basic feelings, if you can find one........I try to look for ones that have pictures that are pleasing to her on the front but convey a very simple message for her to enjoy her day.......not the ones that say "you've been such a loving mother to all of us", "we love being at your home because you are so kind and welcoming to us", etc. (mostly because her home is OUR home and we are the ones who have tried to be kind and welcoming!
May I take a moment to wish all of you on this site a wonderful Mother's Day, one that YOU will enjoy in spite of everything - hope the rest of your family pampers and appreciates you!!
For all that my mother has or hasn't done. For all that she is or isn't in my eyes, I am alive because she gave birth to me. I have got to be thankful for that, right?
So although the card is never fitting in its wording, I take the plunge and buy one anyway, because no matter what it says, the point is that I am not playing the same game as her..intentional or not.
When she's gone and there's no more cards to buy, at least I can feel okay that I didn't fall into the same trap and live with my choices. So I swallow my hurt and pride and go for it. Make yourself feel good and pick something outrageously ridiculous, regardless of what it says or doesn't say. Afterall, its one day in the year and you know how you feel for the rest of the year anyway. It's just a card.
I have learned not to tell her anything negative about anything in my situation because she gets off on it. I wonder if she knows the meaning of "schadenfreude"!! (sorry I took psychology in college!) I also cannot tell her any of my plans in advance as she will plan her own tricks to sabotage them.
It IS a damned if you do, damned if you don't and that's because the major portion of their plan consists of the fact that you will never, ever please them and they are determined to let you know that! You CANNOT be better than them (I know, I don't need to be or want to be - this is from their perspective).
and 2) their sense of entitlement from which they believe they are better than anyone else, and that they deserve only the best.
If anyone has a solution to conquering these two facets of narcissism I would welcome hearing from you!!
adopt your plan this year and just buy a card and do the Mothers's Day thing because she is my mother and she did give me life! No more no less! Mother's Day cards usually, like Libracat said, have mushy versus of how we love our mothers, etc, etc - feelings which must of us just don't have! I just can't make myself buy one of those. Mine will be short and sweet - to the point - bingo done!
I think I said in an earlier post how very uncanny it is that all of us have so much in common! I read posts that I could sware were written by me. Too, I like your idea of finding the humor in some things that we read in posting. I have to say there is some one on this site who has the most wonderful profile picture. Look up "ladee". The profile picture says it all - you'll die from laughter!
I'd like to hear your thoughts. Much love to all of you!
Some days I'm like a rabid dog after dealing with my mother. Then there are the better days...the days where I can laugh at it all. I've come to appreciate those days a whole lot. Sometimes I sit and reminisce about how much time I had to myself which doesn't yet feel like a lifetime ago. Sometimes I wish I could have those days back and other times I realise that life is like that. We do what we do in each moment and bless the rest. :)
It's not about smoking or lack of care to her own body. It's not even about her arrogance in thinking its her right to expect such doting attention from us. For me, its about the lack of respect I receive at times even though I'm the only sibling willing to love & care for her, warts and all.
The fact that I cop it when she's not happy with her life is the claw, yet others not committing in her caregiving can't seem to do anything wrong in her eyes. That's what cruels it for me. That's the biggee!
Shame you don't work in aged care like I do, as I know plenty of darling elderly ladies that would so love that corsage and a Mothers Day hug. I also imagine there'll be many Mum's who would give their eye teeth for a daughter like you on Mum's day.