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You are creating the new normal. If you could just stop thinking about her. But just when you do she may pull something. Snicker, snicker. Wonder what?
Don't ask your golden brothers about her too much. It will take years that we don't have to reprogram yourself to not think about 'what if' 24/7. Notice I said "we." Many of us here with you wondering the same, dear one:) Do your thing and live for yourself. No worries. Check out lights house and read you're not alone.
Take care, xo
Whatever you do, enjoy your life. Be yourself, have some fun!
When you least expect it, all hell will break loose. Do not respond to it. Let them deal with it. Lalalalala I can't hear you! xoxo
This is not an answer. But I am going through a similar situation. My mom lies alot and steals and when something does not go her way she calls the police.
My heart goes out to you.
Let us conduct an experiment of the mind. As easily as 2+2=4 we all know that everyone at some point in our lives will need help from others.
So in our experiment you can ask yourself: Maybe I should try to not be a jackass all the time & try to treat people the way I want to be treated (2+2=4)? or ... Should I run everyone off by being a jerk (2+2= whatever I say it is)?
To me this is pretty simple stuff, the person who doesn't know 2+2=4 is beyond hope. Might as well be trying to convince someone soap is good, wipe your butt, brush your teeth.
Typically the never wrong always right personality has patterns of self deceit, with projected expectations of acknowledgment that are often supported by verbiage. "No one ever gave me nuthin" says my dad. Perfect, obviously he won't ever need anything. I'm saving "you need a more optimistic outlook" (I'm a single dad with autistic child, I can only work so much, his mom is a nightmare criminal, any lament I might have has been labeled as whining) & saving "we all have difficulties" for a rainy day. Someday as Bernie sits in his soiled adult diaper that he claims he can't change just because he can't walk I'll have the perfect answer. His. "When there's a will there's a way." "You need to have a more positive outlook."
I am at wits end with my mother. She yells and screams at me, calls me the "boss", because I am constantly asking her to finish our care with my dad, being he is incontinent. She forgets about his pills, if I'm gone, etc.... My dad has to remind her if he did or not... If he poops, she yells and screams at him, then afterwards, talks to him like a baby, and is real sweet with him. My question is: she knows I am the only one here that helps her. No family, or friends come around anymore, or call for that matter. Except when my older brother or anyone of his kids calls, then she knocks me down to get to the phone. Even if we are in the middle of caring for dad. My brother calls constantly after we found out the diagnosis.. Never did before that. But he talks sweet to mom and accuses dad of all the wrong things. I just need help to still be here for my dad, but HOW do I handle her? I come home(next door) just to get away from her.. I hate to leave my dad alone, but I would lose what sanity I have left, If I stayed there 24/7.... I do all the chores and take care of my dad, along with his physician, home health and now hospice. Any helpful information on dealing with this without losing my mind? I am disabled myself, and she won't spend the money on anyone to help out... The brother and my 2 sisters have not offered, even though I asked. Help, of any kind would be appreciated.
I have been giving so much thought on all the parts of ourselves we sacrifice in order to help our parents. Pretty soon we end up being this false front of a person we call a caregiver. I wonder if instead of denying there is a problem and letting things slide off our back repeatedly if there is a way for us to keep being ourselves. In this situation, the caregiver side would say to just ignore it and keep on doing the things we need. After all, it is because she is old and ill, etc. The real person, though, knows the attack was unfair and wants to call the mother on it.
So how do we handle caregiving without adopting a 24/7 false front with difficult parents? It seems to me that caregiving would be easier if we would just be ourselves.
I love my dad very much, now he is absolutely her captive audience. He cannot walk and is incontinent. His mind is still sharp.
I find him confused and hallucinating after I go to a dr appointment or gone for more that 4 hours. Thinking it's the pancreatic cancer making him like that. I stay and make him better, only to be berated at everything.
This site has really enlightened me. Taking the confusion, humiliation, guilt off of my shoulders. I'm not there completely, due to my dad's condition. I do speak up more now, and have told my dad the reasons why.. He accepts that, but she has hidden the truth from him too.
Please pray for my dad, so that his last days on earth are peaceful.
thanks again to everyone, I need the strength from all of you to empower me to be strong from this abuse..
There are times when I must deal with her and when I do she throws all sorts of insults and threats at me. I am at the point where I am contemplating filing charges against her for libel but I fear that it will only make matters worse. I don't like two of my siblings but I want to have a civil relationship with them after my mother passes on. My mother has always tried to divide and conquer the family--just the other day trying to pit me against my lovely niece in a toxic competition. That's what she is good at. Pitting one child against the other so that only the ones who are willing to lie and sing her praises are left standing. Unfortunately, there are some who are willing to take advantage of a narcissistic mother, if they are not the target of her bitterness and hatred. I am not going to let myself become a victim. My father wanted the best for me and I am not not going to allow her to ruin my life. She is steaming mad that I don't allow her to break my spirit, that I continue to succeed in spite of her attempts to ruin me, and that people continue to love me. Ever since I got healthier and stay away from toxic siblings and false friends, her wrath has increased. Getting healthy is the best way to get the goat of a narcissistic mother. She's so mad she could spit and I have not doubt that she will do her best to make my life a living h3ll until the day she breathes her last breathe.
Of course leaving or cutting the ties is triply hard when you see a narcissist in distress. Sometimes, the only solution is let them fail.
Others gave you excellent advice about actions to take to protect yourself. Don't get sucked back in by her current crisis. Step away and let others deal with her. My advice may sound flip, but narcissists are soul-deadening people. Do take of yourself. Please find a professional who has treated narcissists. If you work with such a therapist, then you will come to understand how deadly they are. Stay strong as you deal with your mother's issues and behaviors.
But look at me being negative again.
I'm 60 and in the same situation. Just had hip replacement surgery 2 1/2 weeks ago and my MIL keeps after my husband about why I can't come and see her.
My husband and I have been married 39 years, but she still insists on being the center of our lives. Here is what you have to do.
1. Make sure she's in a good facility with dedicated caregivers.
2. Determine how often you will see her and still maintain your own life and interests, downtime, etc.
3. Unless her therapist understands narcissism and BPD, etc and your mother is suddenly willing, this latest therapy is going nowhere.
4. Get yourself into therapy so they can teach you how to disconnect emotionally, so you can still do the things your mother needs but don't get destroyed in the process.
5. Establish boundaries I.e., one phone call a day, one visit per week, no rants etc.
6. Your mother is trying to make you fill a hole in her life that cannot be filled. Stop being Party to it. She was the adult in your relationship.
7. Ask your therapist for a book about narcissistic mothers. Read it, so you can solidify the concept that you are not a terrible person.
8. Squelch and tendencies in your own life to treat your children the way she treats you.
9. Accept that she's probably not going to change, but don't accommodate her whims and power plays.
10. Number 4 is the most important point here.:) I wish you a happy, fulfilling life and strength and patience and courage to say "No".