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I hate to recommend you break his heart by hitting him with a dose of reality, but when someone becomes a danger to themselves or others we can not allow them to have their own way.
It's not easy when it's your loved ones but in your heart you know what to do..
Hugs...
I've got my own little crisis going at the moment with my folks. More on that later. FF, check your message board.
Would bringing mom home on hospice with round the clock aides and nursing care once a week be more costly than NH plus dads aides?
Is he able to understand advice from a doctor who would gently and compassionately explain to him what the situation is?
A less compassionate but more powerful method is to do a cost projection, of how much it would cost daily, weekly and monthly for the care your mother needs, unless hospice is already active and will cover the costs. If it is, that might be a cost saving, but the question is whether or not your father would be able to work with hospice or you would have to still be involved on time off from your job. The other issue is the expected duration of hospice.
I'm not sure but I think if your mother were on hospice in her home, a nurse would be administering morphine rather than a caregiver.
I am so sorry the situation has reached this point, and so sad for your whole family.
She wasn't cognitively able to handle the idea or the process of packing to move, donating, throwing, purging. It upset her more because it was disorienting and confusing, so she had exaggerated and inappropriate emotional responses. The mom I knew when she was my age would not have balked a moment at tossing "old mess".
I'm so sorry you're going thru this. It is amazing how with dementia you feel like you're constantly being thrown into EMERGENCY mode.
You have done a huge service to you, your Dad and your Mom to get Mom properly placed somewhere she is safe and taken care of. I can't imagine how heartwrenching it must be to be separated from a spouse. Your Dad, in his dementia and old age, worries and misses his wife terribly I'm sure. He is surely in denial about his abilities to physically care for her at home.
But you know you've done the right thing by your Mom. Now stick to your guns with Dad. The NH is just down the street. I would have his CNA or aides take him down there to visit all he wants, but keep emphasizing to him that the NH is the best place for Mom to be given the care she deserves. Unfortunately, with his dementia, his reasoning capabilities are gone. You/they will just have to gently keep reinforcing the "best place for Mom" idea to Dad. It's a sad situation all the way around but you are strong and know you are doing the right thing.
It is hard and frustrating, I know. Your "do what you want Dad" comment is proof of that. Hang in there. I hope I will be going to heaven some day because I am living through hell on earth right now. You are too. It's mentally (and physically) exhausting to deal with elderly caregiving and all it entails. I pray so much for others on this forum as many have much worse situations than myself. I feel for you. {{{{HUGS}}}}
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