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Another possibility with the fluids is that he is coughing and choking or having a hard time swallowing. so he just avoids the problem, and that can be evaluated medically and all options considered.
As hard as this is, you may realize the problem is you are hitting your head on a wall that is not going to budge and a totally different approach is going to be needed not because dad is just acting bad but because he needs a lot more help. Sorry you are facing this, it is hard, and it is sad, but dad needs others to take over the things he can't do.
Soiling oneself and not taking care of it kind of crosses the line as far as crisis point. Surely he took care of that himself in the past and did not depend on his late wife for it...
Is he a widower? If so, for how long?
I think your fluctuating feelings about this are normal and to be expected. Keep reminding yourself that this is not your fault, you are doing the best you can to deal with it, and try to give up the guilt.
Does Mom like fruit? That is a good way to get additional fluid -- watermelon, peaches, grapes, oranges, pineapple, just about any fruit will help with hydration, fresh frozen, or canned. Does she like milk-shakes/smoothies? Could she use the extra calories/nutrition from these items? Does the ALF serve soup often? Does she eat that?
She doesn't need to get all her fluid by drinking water. In fact, if she is drinking 4 cups of water a day, that is about 3.5 cups more than my mother gets! My mom drinks coffee, tea, eats soups, loves fruit, and generally gets much of her fluid from food.
If your mother is showing symptoms you've associated with dehydration in the past, perhaps having her checked by the ALF's nurse would be a good idea. Maybe those symptoms are about dehydration, and maybe something else is going on.
Good luck! Come back and let us know how this works out!
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