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"Gladimhere"....that's SO funny, but true! damned if ya do, damned if ya don't! :)
I have also told her that we will call her tomorrow and sometimes she is ok with that. But a couple of times she will ask "oh they are still alive?" Geez another d**Ned if you do d**Ned if you don't. Sometimes mom becomes absolutely despondent because she thinks she is hearing about their deaths for the first time and wonder why she wasn't told. It seems to go better if I reassure her that she did all she could for them and she was a good daughter.
The first time my husband mentioned seeing his deceased brother it really caught me off guard. I said, "You and Fred were good buddies growing up, weren't you? What kind of mischief did you get up to?" He seemed happy to talk about his brother a little.
The first time my mother came to spend a weekend with me and my sister dropped her off, Ma said, "Why didn't Dad stay?" Oh my! We hadn't had any of this kind of behavior from her before. I said, "He is having a poker weekend with his buddies. You and I are going to have a Girls' Weekend." She was anxious about the change in her surroundings and she wanted the comfort of her husband, apparently. She brought the subject up several times that day and I stuck with my "out with the boys" answer. The next day she was much more relaxed and we even had a little conversation about both being widows!
I don't think it serves any purpose to keep reminding someone with dementia that a loved one is dead. "He is in heaven" MIGHT be appropriate if that would be comforting and fit the person's beliefs.
A few days ago my mom asked why Coy didn't come with me to visit her in the nursing home. (She is on hospice and does have dementia.) I was pleased that she identified me correctly and even got my husband's name right, and I wasn't too surprised she didn't remember he died more than a year ago. I just said, "He couldn't come this time."
There may be situations where you have to state that someone is dead, but most of the time I'd give a plausible, comforting answer and move on to another subject.
Hugs to you, solegiver. This is hard!