Besides my 2 adult daughters who have their own lives to live. there is no one to help at all. My mother has no family besides me and my kids. I am an only child. I love my mother, but I am at the end of my rope. When I dropped her off today at her house I was crying on the way home, begging God to either take my mother or to take me, because I cannot live this way anymore.
If I had a choice I would see my mother once or twice a week tops. I don't have a choice as she is very demanding and does live along and does have dementia and doesn't drive and is disabled (bilateral hip implants and walks with a cane). My mother feels it is my duty to care for her. I know that it is my responsibility to help her and to be with her as much as I can but it is emotionally killing me.
Because she has dementia she can't remember from one day to the next. She is very demanding. Just take today for instance. She likes to go to the movies every week. She hates most of the movies we go to, even when she picks them out. She refuses to wear her hearing aid so she complains at EVERY movie we go to that she can't hear it. When I say to her that it would help if she wore the hearing aid, she gets angry with me. After the movie we went to IHOP and in traditional complaining mode, she complained that the tea didn't taste right (the exact same brand she has) and that the ice cream was too hard and that the pancakes didn't have fruit in them (she didn't order fruit in them). Everytime we go out to eat she ALWAYS complains about EVERYTHING and says she "never wants to come back here" again. There are only 2 places out of about 30 that we go to and we don't like those places. Sorry.
While we were eating, I asked her about a letter she had received from an old friend of hers who has dementia also and lives in nursing home. She insists that this woman is dead (her husband died about a year ago but she is very much alive, just in a nursing home). My mother insisted again that she was dead. She said someone else had written the letter. I told her that she was alive and she got very angry at me. I said to her "hey mom, you keep saying she is dead and I tell you every time that she is alive. What do you want me to do next time you say she is dead." Idiot me expected her to say, "I want you to tell me the truth". Well, she didn't. Instead she said "I want you to stop arguing and disagreeing with me." Are you f-ing kidding me? She really wants me to not say anything to her when she says that her friend is dead and starts crying about her. Are you kidding me????
I am not allowed to see a movie without her. I am not allowed to go on vacation without her. Do I see movies without her? yes. However, "sneaking" away for vacation is so much harder.
I am forced to see her on Mondays, Fridays, Saturdays and alternate Sundays. I hired a caregiver on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and alternate Sundays. She does about 17 hours a week and I do about 17 hours a week. Yes, the caregiver has helped somewhat, but my mother is still driving me crazy. Her whole life revolves around me and she is emotionally strangling me to death. She has no problem if my kids want to do anything without her but pitches a fit if I dare to do something without her.
Growing up she was the same way with my dad. She would complain that he was exercising or taking a class at college when he retired because "he doesn't want to be with me." Yes, it sounds like deep emotional abandonment issues. I am not a heartless person. I feel so very sorry for my mother. She has been through hell and back but I cannot go on like this as I am being dragged down into the misery.
I hate being with her. There, I said it. I am a lousy excuse for a daughter. If I truly loved my mother I would want her to live with me, and I would want to be with her all day long every day. I would rather shoot myself than have her here more than she already is.
I guess if her attitude was a little more positive, it would be easier. But someone who refuses to wear a hearing aid and makes me repeat things twice. Someone who demands that I don't tell her that her friend is alive. Someone who demands that I spend time with her because she is "alone and lonely." I am ready to hang myself.
I have encouraged her to participate in senior related activities and she won't. I have begged her to contact her neighbors but she refuses as "if they wanted me they would knock on my door.
If I had a gun right now I am scared to think what I would do with it.
She is already on a ton of meds including an antidepressant and two memory meds. Every time I am with her, I feel my happiness draining. I am not allowed to disagree with her. Today she asked me when we had to pack to go home. We haven't gone anywhere! when I told her this, she started getting upset with me again. There is nothing I can do every to make this woman happy except to agree with her even when she is wrong.
PLEASE give me some advice. I am at the brink. Than
If you are an adult and not you parent's guardian, you don't "have to" do anything. Aleays keep that in mind. Also keep in mind that if you die or become disabled due to careging, your parent will be in institutional care WITHOUT an advocate.
If all the joy is being drained from your lives, I think you need to set some new priorities. It may take some objective third-party counseling for you to break out of this "it's all about her" pattern, but it can be done!
Good luck.
I envy the people who don't live with the parent. It is much easier to avoid the angry persistence (AKA bullying) that are used to make us do something against our wills. Those of us who live with the parent find ourselves having to leave to get away from it.
Being a carer is not all about her (even though the system would love to have everyone believe that). I, as a matter of regularity, tell the receptionist that I want to speak to the doctor alone as He needs to be aware of issues BEFORE he sees Mum. That way she can showtime all she wants but the doc KNOWS that it is masking the grim reality. he needs to know that you are not coping and that meds are not the answer you are seeking - you can tell them you are quite OK with taking meds but ONLY if they put some support in place too.
If none of that works then you have to take courage in your hands and walk away, you have to or you will end up having a break down and be no use to anyone least of all yourself or your wonderful children who need their mummy.
If you are in the UK then you are legally entitled to a carer's assessment depending on the number of hours you do, which will allow them to put respite in place if not I know the people in here will help you find the appropriate professionals. If you don't go and do the physical caring then who would. Tell your Mum you can't do it but you will help her find the help she needs and when she says I don't need any help challenge her on who is going to clean, take you to appointments, take all your phone calls. Stand up for yourself hun it is the only way.
It’s ok too if you have anger. I’m learning that for myself which I’m not a type to get angry however, this has made me angry and sometimes have you found you don’t know what to do with it?
As for the gun thing, I had a similar experience where I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and Grandma complained I wasn't doing things right as per usual. She was completely up my tail that night and being so annoyingly negative that I fantasized about one fell swoop of the frying pan. My niece and I often joke about this, quoting National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (movie): "Be nice, it could be her last Christmas... If she keeps it up, it WILL be her last Christmas!"
Of course it's all just a fantasy and I would never do anything to harm my loved ones. Violence is never an answer for anything. These fantasies are actually a normal mental coping mechanism, a way to relieve some of the stress and tension in the moment. That being said, if you seriously consider harming yourself or your loved one, you might be going into caregiver burnout and depression; it may be time to look into caregiver support groups, respite and/or therapy.
Lastly, don't feel guilty about leaving to take some time for you- run for the hills! You matter too! You can't pour from an empty cup- take care of yourself. Get your hair and nails done. Go see a movie. Have a nice meal out. Whatever you like to do that gets you out of the house and having fun. God knows us caregivers deserve it!
Has your Mother always been so demanding, or is it the dementia? It really sounds like you need to step back.
Does she "need" someone with her all the time for health issues? Or is it just that she's lonely? I'm afraid if it's the latter then even as a dutiful daughter, it's not your role to be her Entertainment Committee. That's the conclusion I came to with my own Mother, and it's helped a lot.
I still see her two or three times a week, and call her every day I don't see her, but I try to do it on my terms and in my time.
I have to say, if I took her to the movies (which I don't much anymore because she struggles to walk and will NOT use a walking frame), and she refused to wear her hearing aid, I would definitely not take her again. End of story. We are children, not doormats.
I also have discussed with my Mother going to senior activities, but she refused and would only go if I went along. I suggested I could go the first few times until she made friends, but she insisted she would NEVER go on her own. Fine.....be bored. That's her mantra. "I'm bored." So be it.
Sometimes we have to do what's best for ourselves first, in order to be helpful to our elderly parents. You're going to be no help at all if you burn out.
It's hard to do, but I find that ignoring the 'odd and strange' comments has helped me. "What day is it today?" is my favourite. Then five minutes later "What day is it today?" Then again, and again. Just one of many examples. I bite my tongue and tell her each time. If she says something really "off the air", I just change the subject. "Nice weather we're having."
My latest project is to ask her to knit me a scarf. I don't need a scarf, but I'm hoping it'll be something to make her feel useful. Running out of ideas.
Just don't forget - you're amazing!