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1) should the friend be paid for caregiving
2) should the trio pay rent
3) what about respite care
1 -- Pay the caregiver? I say yes! And preparing meals, toileting, diapering, bathing, and being available as a companion and helper are defintiely caregiving tasks! Does Friend also do light housekeeping, laundry, grocery shopping? I'd say that $2900/mo plus room and board is on the low side of the range, but you can do some checking in your specific area. If you had to bring in a live-in caregiver for your grandmother, what would it cost you?
Why should the Friend get paid? Because she is doing the work! What is more fair than that? If Mother isn't paying for her own care, what is that money used for? Probably to increase the amount each heir gets. Why should one person do an enormously hard job for free in order to subsidize the inheritance of those who do none of the work?
2. Should they pay rent? Well, not the caregiver -- room and board is part of the pay of a live-in caregiver. Does the son (and/or grandson) do household maintenance -- mow, clean the gutters, fix leaky faucets, shovel, rake, change the filter on the furnace, etc.? If so, the value of those services should be determined in your area. What would it cost Mother to get these things done if Son didn't live with her and do them?
Then try to determine what cost Son and Grandson would pay in rent for comparable living arrangements.
With those two numbers in mind, you should be able to come up with a "fair" rental amount. (My son lives with me. Having paid handyman prices for household maintenance tasks I am thrilled to have him available. I do not charge him rent.)
So, maybe after your research you determine that it is "fair" to pay Friend $3800/mo plus room and board, and that Son should pay $800/mo plus household maintenance tasks for his and Grandson's room.
If Mother is still competent to make her own decisions, the primary question is, is this acceptable to her? If she is not competent, is it acceptable to the person with POA? That is really what matters. But secondarily, do family members understand how "fair" numbers were reached?
Sometimes when family members object to paying for caregiving/home maintenance services, they do so out of concern that Mom's money won't last her the rest of her life. But very often the objections stem from seeing the inheritance dwindling away. It is not fair that one family member sacrifice so that all the others get a free ride, in my opinion.
3. Respite. No one can provide 24/7 care without breaks and remain sane. Some advance arrangements need to be made for covering periods when Son and Friend are taking some time off. This needs to be put into the plan!
It would be interesting to hear what you advise your client!
Now should a child charge their parent? That is between the parent and child. A question you could ask that may bring clarity is: should a person not pay someone who works full time for them? Most family caregivers are not paid. The rest of my feelings on this are like jeannegibbs wrote. I guess we should ask ourselves why parents often expect their children to work 24/7 for free so they can keep their estate healthy for others. Never has made sense to me.
I think I could justify this arrangement because of the increased laundry, (water bill and electric billl) warmer house, (gas bill) and grocery bill (cooking more). Since I am 72 and also on social security, I could not afford this arrangement without her help.
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