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Even as "healthy" as I am I can not imagine the pain that that would cause.
"Mom, what do you hope to accomplish by changing dad to full code?"
She needs to talk out what her thinking is on this to see if she understands that he is dying. I'm wondering if she's got some cognitive issues that have gone unnoticed.
The issue here is her heart.
This is a man she has been married to for many years. Her husband, her soulmate, her love. I'm sure one day she thinks yes to the DNR, so her love will not have to suffer any more. Another day, she thinks, no, I want him here with me, one more day.
I think this will just play out for the better. She may feel guilty signing the DNR, but when the time does come, the doctors etc, will do the right thing. So she won't have to live with the guilt about the DNR. She will at least know & feel that she did everything possible for her husband.
That's the whole points of having these documents. POA doesn't give you the right to change what a person requests when they are of sound mind. You can only honor their wishes and act on their behalf in their best interests.
See an attorney.
I am sorry that your family is facing this. Not like the long goodbye isn't hard enough.
I think your best bet is to try to convince her to reconsider. Explain to her how painful resuscitation may be... broken ribs if cpr, electric shock to restart heart, possible intubation, etc. As EMTs you know the consequences. I assume he's under hospice care. If not, why not? They will provide him with a peaceful, painless, comfortable death. Would she want to harm him to extend a non viable life? I know you can't tell her this, but it's very selfish on her part.
While watching him decline over the course of 12 years my Head knew that a POLST was the right thing but my Heart broke a bit anyway.
But to want him to continue as he was was selfish on my part, I knew he would not want to continue to live the way he had been the past several years.
But in the end it does not matter..we will die. Cold hard fact.
But to die in pain due to life "saving" measures seems to compound the pain the rest of the family has to endure as well as the person who is lying there in bed now not just with a broken brain but broken ribs, sternum, and punctured lungs.
(and at this time with visiting restrictions due to COVID19 you will not be able to visit your loved one in the hospital so very good chance you will not be able to be with him when he dies)
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