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Having said that, people who are not the caregivers seldom understand how very difficult it is to be that caregiver. Your daughter, her in-laws and grands perhaps should be very grateful to this person who has stepped up at the right time to help a needy elder live out her last days as she chooses. Several years you say. How lucky is your daughters MIL to have found such a person?! That she has the ability to reward the one who is seeing her through is commendable. .
I can appreciate that you are a bystander (although an interested grandma) who is just asking about the legality of the situation and no disrespect is meant towards you. I don’t know the answer about Oregon laws. But there is generally a reason why an elder decides to make a bold decision to reward the person who is caring for them, even though they are not blood. I’m sorry if I have misunderstood the situation.
Best way to make sure that as a relative you can inherit assets upon death............ stay engaged, stay in touch and be supportive. In other words ..... be a bit of a caregiver yourself and don't leave it all to someone else.
Years ago, I worked for a homecare agency and one of my co-workers (another CNA) took a position with a wealthy old man. He didn't have any children, but he did have family that did not see him or speak with him. As he declined, he needed someone there 24 hours a day. He wasn't mentally declined though. So my co-worker and her little daughter moved in with him. He did a will with his lawyer making them his heirs to an 8 million dollar estate. When his relatives from all over the place learned of his death they all rushed here, tripping over each other trying to get to the money. They brought it into court too, but the state of Connecticut upheld that will that he'd done years before making my co-worker and her daughter the heirs to his fortune. That will was carefully done and air-tight. He made sure to mention all of his relatives and their kids, and left each one a dollar. That way it could not be contested. Good for him.
This movie highlighted the sad reality how many seniors are more or less forgotten about by their relatives in laws etc and if a kind person ends up caring about them like in the movie the in-laws are in a uproar wanting “their money”
And are all these people close and loving family members with strong relationship ongoing over the years with the Mom/MIL? Involved with the Mom and helping with her care? Loving and involved grandkids?
The fact that MIL will not share information, and that a sheriff has been called, makes me think there is not a good family relationship here?
So basically I need more information.
As to the dementia. Is this diagnosed dementia? Are the son and DIL POA for the Mother in Law? Do they even live in the same state or town she lives in?
I just need to say here that my money would go to the person I chose it to go to. Not to someone because they are my blood. As it happens I am very close to my daughters/grandchild. My money will go to them. However, were I to need help and care in age, and my daughter and children were unable to "be there for me" while some other person WAS THERE for me, to assist me in staying in my home, and to getting to doctors, shopping, cooking and care of my home? Well, I am just saying, yes, that person would stand to inherit some of my money from me.
Given that this will may now go to being contested by family(and of course it can be), if this poor woman did indeed feel that the man with her the last two years is more a son to her than her blood son, I guess she would have done well to adopt him.
I think one reason this so interests me is that I have three friend/acquaintances where money is NOT going/did not go to family but to caregivers who have/had become "family". In two cases there was a long ongoing illness and disability; homes were actually built on properties left to caregivers. In one case an aging person who needed help, and whose own son was an alcoholic who did nothing but take from her all their lives.
I guess in some cases the definition of "family" varies.
I think there should be an APS investigation first. Because again a lawyer cannot force the MIL to show him her will & discuss her assets.
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