Caretaker facing too many family traumas at one time. Need help. Will try to be coherent without jumping around too much.

Q. 3   How can I keep  Grandchildren from moving into the house when I am with Mother all the time at a Senior Facility.  I am all stressed out.  I told my son NO.  Don't know for sure what he will do.  He is saying just for a night.   I said NO. Let them stay with friends or get a room.  Mother and I will need the house and they will destroy it.  My grandaughter is very angry and mean to me.  She shows no respect.  

Caretaker needs support. Mother and I have to find a solution of her assets running out much faster than thought, she never wants to be separated from me. I give her loving care and we are enjoying a blessed time together. When and if she goes on Medicaid I would not be able to stay in a facility with her 24 x 7. I got good advice on dealing with my brother on AgeingCare. We will get an attorney to document that she never wants us to be separated. In the meantime my Granddaughter, (adopted by my son and his wife when she was a troubled teenager) her boyfriend, 3 children by her first marriage and a baby with her boyfriend want to move into my house with my son. I do not want my Grandaughter to move there. She and her first husband and two babies moved in with my son after I retired and i was staying for several seasons in Colorado. I came back every three months to spend a few weeks with my Mother, take her shopping and to Dr. appointments etc. The grandkids had another baby at the house. My great Grandaughter is adorable. Grandaughter, is not pleasant. She and her first husband destroyed our house. They did not use diapers on the babies and rotted the carpets that were supposed to last 30 years. They excluded me from the dining room table and she went in to the kitchen and banged the dishes around when I went in to cook. They put nails into the walls and woodwork and used crayon and stickers everywhere.  She moved her brother into the house too when I was away telling me that he needed a break. He found a job at the local Eat'N Park. He had bad friends. He was on hard drugs and said he quit using and drinking.  I do not think so.  There was one friend of his that was older, fought with me over my request not to turn the air conditioner down as far as it would go when it was near 90 outside. I asked her brother to never bring him to the house again and talked about it to granddaughter and her husband. They totally ignored me. I still have nightmares of when this friend came running across the front of the house with a large copper pipe from the laundry room to his car and zoomed away while I sat stunned in my car. I could not pick him out of 8 photos of lookalikes but he was put in jail for robbing houses on other cases. They broke in, water was squirting all over the place and badly damaged the downstairs and furniture and books in the storage room. Grandaughters brother used a golf club on the swirled plaster in the entry hall, a walnut custom banister and in the gameroom where he was living. He kicked in the bathroom tile behind the faucet and shower. They tried to cover it up. When I drove back home from Colorado to attend my greatgrandaughters birthday party, I was told not to come to the house that weekend, and that I was not invited to the party.  When I called and was told they were not at home. I went there to organize my things for the trip back and in front of all the guests grandaughter told me that I ruined her daughters birthday party? They never chipped in a penny or did any work on the house as they promised as if they were supposed to to live there rent free.   Husband had carpentry experience but didn't like  to work.  After we got them out, we pulled all the carpet, redid the hardwood floors, certain walls,woodwork, paint including the cathedral ceilings. The fireplace was clogged, we ripped out all the bathrooms as the fixtures, tile and floors were all destroyed. We had the house all ready to rent out when Mother asked me to come back and my son lost his job. Son lives there and for now I am using it for storage and keep files and documents and other projects and irreplaceable matter in the house.  They would trash everything.  As I am writing this I called my son, he said alright to my not wanting the grandkids moving in.  They are going to beg him.  They made their problems and need to work them out.  They do not respect me or my belongings.   

Don't ask a new question, continue here so people can follow the discussion.

Get an attorney for mom. If she is competent she can change her designations for cause even if it is an irrevocable trust.

Thank you for good advice. Need to get tough and be decisive on another issue fast. Will ask a new question on it.

For both problems 1 and 2, you need a lawyer. Let the lawyer handle all further correspondence with Brother and Cousin. Let lawyer look into financial exploitation and take appropriate steps to stop it. Have lawyer draw up a care contract to cover the situation of your mother being in a care facility and also the situation if she ever lives with you.

If your brother has been giving Mom's money away in preparation for applying for Medicaid, he is in for a very big shock. Giving money away creates a penalty. Again, let the lawyer deal with this.

        Short version of one trauma. My brother was angry and blaming me for the amount of money spent in 2nd half of 2016 and 2017 to date. I called back after thinking about it, told him if brother and cousin would have come to me instead of going behind my back and joining the rogue facility that was trying to take over my POA of Health Care for Mother against her wishes, defying her Dr.'s orders and my saying NO etc. that She would be still be paying just $2,500 per month in I.L. with me staying with her as full time Caregiver. The expenses were over the roof with Mother spending $120,000, per brother, in 2017 so far. Jan and Feb were the last 2 billings from the rogue facility where Mother paid for I.L. plus Health Care Center when she was injured thru their negligence/intentional acts and again when they were forcing her out of I.L. and made her stay again in Health until they placed her in to Personal Care Hell Hole that almost killed her and left her with severe Glaucoma and various other unnecessary injuries and illness, and situations including sexual harassment by the maintenance man. Further, Mother had to have private duty Nurses Aids at $25.00 per hour for 2 months for 8 hours per night and many day time hours when she couldn't even sit up without falling over and I had to go to an appointment. Brother said (the Hell Hole) was a nice facility. I didn't get along. It was my fault for being argumentative. ( I had just complaints) Plus he used bits and pieces of prior conversations when I was trying to build a friendly relationship with him turning around everything that I said to something bad. I responded by calling him heathen and that I was tired of him, his wife and our cousin bad mouthing me for the last 40 years. Nothing could be further from the truth as far as their lies and false witness. It has hurt me and my sons.
       The community that we moved Mother to is just blocks from my house. I go to church and sing in the choir, it is a loving community and the facility where we moved Mother is Heavenly. I would still like to bring Mother home. It would be heavenly at home too. Brother's plans are that Mother will go on to Medicaid and stay in a facility. He had Mother giving away her funds to meet the 5 year look back. He and his children are set for life. He doesn't care what happens to me or Mother. It is only his best interest that concerns him. I could be out on the street. Further, Mother doesn't want to live without me. I am always right by her side. She feels safe with me taking care of her, and she is very loved. We have a good family life. She doesn't want to go to Hospice or Memory Care ever. She is in I.L. now with me as her Caretaker. She took care of her Mother who lived until her late 90's. Brother thinks that a Senior Facility is the way to go, that it is the choice of any family who can afford it. He thinks that Caregiving for a parent is for the poor. That the facilities are middle-class and the Caregiving at home is lower-class. He has no idea of the love that goes in to Caring for an aging parent. I called him Heathen at some point and that I was disowning him, that he was not my brother any more. Mother says to forget brother, he doesn't even call and that he doesn't come to see her . . .in two years he saw her for 15 minutes on his way from the airport to the city and 1/2 hour quick lunch on his way back to the airport. Also as far as cousin, she says she just wants him to leave us alone. I am afraid that brother is going to undermine us here. We need to change Mother's stock broker as Mother did not give him POA or make him Trustee of her Trust. Being a trustee goes to brother and myself if she becomes incompetent. He is in with the Stock Broker. He was to write the checks, when the checks take both our signatures. That didn't stop him from transferring stocks to himself. I am on Mother's local account. He has made his check writing a position of power and misguided Mother. He does not care what she feels or thinks anymore. He doesn't have to feign a friendship. It is all about the control for him. Mother and I are both sick of it. Do you think taking away his checking writing responsibility by transferring her stocks and opening an account at another brokerage without his signature on the checks will stop his power grab over all aspects of Mother's life.
            Problem II. What happens if i do not get a Caregivers Contract and pay taxes on the stipend I am getting for being Mother's Caretaker. I get $15,000 per year. I have been paying for Caregivers when my son or daughter-in-law cannot watch Mother. I need to start saving some money. Can medicaid seize my house or any savings or do I have the option of Caring for Mother myself if her money runs out. Currently, there is no equity in my house but in a few years there could be. Problems 3 thru 5 later. Thank you.