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This week I have really been grappling with the knowledge that my life is no longer my own. I am living someone else's life. I could heed advice to leave it all and head to the hills, but that is not wise advice. What I know I really need to do is look inside myself and try to figure out how I can be happier and how I can take some of my life back. When we get far down the caregiving path we can lose ourselves and can't really figure out what we want to do anymore. We need people, but they are one of the first things that disappear when we're caregiving. We aren't much fun anymore.
So how do we make ourselves happier? What do we do to feel better, both mentally and physically? I'll let you know if I ever figure it out. But for now I better get ready to take my mother to the doctor. Sigh.
The one thing I'll say is that dementia causes a lack of initiative in people. If you watch Teepa Snow videos on Youtube, that's one of the 10 signs of dementia. My mom doesn't have Alzheimers, but does have dementia or loss of cognitive function. She will let things sit that she would never have left in her younger days. Or she'll say she'll write letters to friends, but she won't. She has zero initiative. So some of that may be going on with your FIL. He's not going to change, so you have to work on your husband, in my view.
I know that caregiving makes a smoker want to smoke more. I have been tempted to run to the store to get a pack on occasion. I do have some lozenges. Don't laugh, but the nicotine seems to help me deal with anger. I guess I will always be a nicotine junkie. I feel better that I'm not destroying my lungs with it.
I just thought about a truth for me: My mother drives me to nicotine. I should learn a more effective way of handling my anger. :-(
The only thing you can change in this equation is your behavior. So just stop doing things for him.
If you feel obligated, make food and put it on the table,and announce the meal. Then go read a book in another room.
Stop enabling everyone's denial and bad behavior.
I deeply thank & appreciate the people, on this board, that supported me, when things were at their worst. Sometimes, just having people to empathize with you, understand, & give you (your) life a direction, is all that's "required.I guess, even with all the up's & down's in life, there's still (some) people left that "get it" when it comes to another's life, what their enduring, or just being kind enough to listen/offer support.
The journey is long, but we pave our own paths, when someone else tires to "redirect" our own. Yes, I will (still) need support, because this has just started. However, I know I CAN do this, because I realize that I do have it. Thank you isn't nearly enough of an 'expression' I can use/say to the people here. Even with the "rough comments," they were just trying to help me "pave a better path" for not only my life, but most importantly...myself.
Things have continued to "land slide" with his father & his behaviour(s) twords myself. He's now refusing to do anything I request from him. He will, however, go eat food when I make/serve it to him. My patients has run it's course with all of this. I'm up to 3 packs a day, which isn't healthy for myself. I was in to see my doctor. I was told, that my blood pressure's high, vitamin D is (excessively) low, & my health isn't doing well. My teeth are getting so bad, because I've needed a root canal (since April) & been unable to get into the dentist, because I don't have anyone else to watch his father. Now, I have a "foul taste" in my mouth & brushing isn't helping. I'm on antibotics Further more, my daughter's having complications with her baby, that's due by the end of this month. She's (again) in the hospital ( 2 time in 2 day's) & they're keeping her until the blood pressure drops. IF it doesn't, they will have to make a decision to deliver my little granddaughter. I'm extremely worried/concerned about her health as well as my unborn granddaughter's health. I was just informed, as I was typing this up, they're inducing my daughter.
So, what I have decided to do is this. I AM moving out. I've found a female, that was searching for a roomy. I have packed, a lot of things up, but haven't moved them out, will be starting tonight. Also, to do "one last favor" to his father, I gave him a shower, shaved him, & gave him a hair cut. I figure, I'd be responsible enough to leave him "fresh & clean." Here's the sad part. He (his son) just told his dad today, that IF I move out, he's "done." Now, that means done living/residing here, which means nursing home. I've tried & done the very best I can for him, but the stress of caring for him is too great to my own health. I feel selfish for saying this;honestly. However, he needs more help than I can do any further. It's hard with everything I have to do, but some how I hope I will make it through (all) of this.
Thank you for your support. *hugs*
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