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People with borderline personalities are very changeable. They can lure you in with a promise, then deny they ever made that promise. They can love you to pieces one week and see you as the enemy the next. It is the nature of the personality. I think we should listen, rather than joining in with her mother to dump grief on her head.
I doubt she will be back. I know I wouldn't.
Your mother left you with a mess. What always surprised me with a bipolar or narcissistic parent is that they never care how they might have hurt their child. It always becomes the fault of the child and the parent becomes the victim. I was sorry to see that this support group did the same thing to you. Guess you could call us "support-group dearest." It does seem like the world is like that. It is the reason I don't talk about the things my mother does outside the house. Strange that judgment usually falls on the child and sympathy goes to the parent.
In my opinion, these "older children" who are starting their lives should be doing exactly that, starting with finding a place of their own and getting jobs if they don't already have them. That's just too much of an imposition on your mother.
You don't write as to how long you've been living with her, so it's unclear if this was a decision she came to gradually or spontaneously.
But I think it's time for your family to move on and create your own life. You wrote that it's not economically viable for you to stay on your own. Forgive me, but why not? You have 3 children yet you're not yet financially in a position to live on your own? Something's amiss here.
I think you need to look at Section 8 or some kind of subsidized housing, and if you're not working, start looking for jobs immediately. With your 11 year old in school, either or both of you could at least work part time.
Your mother wants to be alone; let her. There will be difficulties with her proceeding into older age but apparently she doesn't want you to help her. That may change in time, but right now it's her house.
As to her vision problems, I would at least find alternate transportation modes so that she can get to doctor's appointments. Then let her make her own decisions.
I don't usually disagree with Maggie, but I question whether you even have tenants' rights if you're not paying any rent. Did you sign a lease? Any kind of caregiver agreement including financial arrangements? If you changed your address with a state agency (depending on the state), it may be considered that her home is your legal address. In that case, your mother would likely have to evict you, but do any of you really want to go through that unsettling process?
I think you should (a) start packing and making plans to leave, as well as (b) identify local resources that can help your mother after you do so.
It's not economically viable for you and your husband and three children to live on your own? That's sad. I could cry for your mom. I really could.
There, does that work if both sides are presented, because I hope so, sincerely.
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