By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
To me, I would feel unhappy, if my spouse insisted on caring for 2 parents in the home who are very sick and have dementia, without me agreeing to it. That can be extremely stressful. So, I get why he would be unhappy with it. And why he might be verbal about it. At least he's letting you know his thoughts. Plus, you have need for your life too. Not just your parents and your husband. You may be so overextended that you are spread too thin.
It sounds like he needs you to help him with some things too. To me, the spouse is the first priority, after yourself. I might explore other options for the parents care, but, if you want to separate anyway, I'd probably consult with a marriage counselor first to sort through your feelings.
It can be extremely stressful and exhausting to care for two sick people who have dementia in the home. It's likely you are fatigued. At least try to get some RESPITE time, so, you can rest and think things through, so, you are sure of what you want, before making any permanent decisions.
Taking care of 2 sick parents is a phenomenal amount of work, even with help. And then to have to also deal with an immature and jealous husband and his nasty behavior is even worse. Even if you placed your parents in a facility, you’d still have to deal with and be subservient to this mean and unreasonable man. Who has to go; your parents, your husband or you? Something has to give. Maybe call or go see your local Area Agency on Aging to see if they can help you find someplace you could go with your parents. Or,do move them to a facility and then you, yourself find an apartment close-by them. The Agency can go over your options and help you find assistance.
Did you guys discuss the "what happens when dads bedridden? How do we deal with Alzheimer's?
My husband and I talked about the "just to much" issues before deciding and we both had deal breakers, mine is incontinence, I just can not deal, PERIOD. He can't deal with someone laying in bed hollering for others to do everything for him. Maybe some people find those petty, but we know are limits and instead of having a house of hell we really looked at and talked about what we could in all reality do.
Maybe your husband didn't think it would be forever, no matter what. You know the answer to that, please look at the hear and now of what their needs are, it could be time to place them and your not seeing that because you are burned out and just coping.
I pray you find a way to save your marriage and the best possible solution and care for your parents. (Sometimes, it's not us.)
My FIL died at the June 28 and I told my hubby that I thought I could live with my sweet MIL, but we hadn’t discussed it with her. In two months, her health has taken a complete nose dive. Hospitalized twice for a total of 12 days, in rehab currently for therapy. Today, she sees a kidney specialist for a brand new problem. In that short of time, her health has become more than what I think I can reasonably handle. I can easily see how your parents health was a big knock in the face to your husband.
They tend to him, manage his meds, cook his food, do laundry, keep the house clean, etc. My step sister who lives next door oversees them, take care of dad's finances and gets him to his doctor's appointments. She and her husband are free to do many things together and they are retired. I don't understand why the cnas for your parents can't cook, do laundry for them and manage their meds. That would leave you with only finances and doctor appointments to deal with.
The second issue is that your husband’s unhappiness is working itself out in totally unreasonable ways. Has he tried and failed to talk the whole arrangement through again with you? Is he trying to make things worse to force you into thinking again? Or has he always been a pain in the neck, and retirement is just giving him more scope? Can you sit down with him and focus on your overall living arrangements, rather than on his unreasonable requests?
Perhaps thinking these things through can give you a start in a very difficult situation. Good luck!
We had a neighbor who used to be an accountant and every year took the H&R Block Course - but it was to keep up-to-date on doing taxes. Even that was silly because he no longer did people's taxes, but it kept him occupied.
I'm thinking that your DH might be starting "early onset" something - be it dementia or something else. I would mention his irrational behavior to his primary physician.
While 70 is no longer old - it is a time to start winding down from the working world for most people.
Instead of "saying no to his requests" - just start saying, "I don't understand it either, sorry I can't help you," and walk off to do your own thing.
Heres what my DH and I have worked out. I leave for Moms NH daily at 10 and return home about 2:30. On Sunday we look at our calendars for appointments during the week and decide if that schedule needs to changed or it’s ok. Then, more on a daily basis in the morning, he figures out if he needs help with some task...finances, just holding the ladder for tree trimming, dropping off at car repair, computer help, etc. We decide if I can do it that day, and figure out if it’s before I leave or when I get back. My point is he (usually) doesn’t jerk me around with constant requests/interruptions, and I get to have a pretty well planned day. He gets my help and I’m not annoyed about it. So maybe you could try a more “planned” approach. Just a thought.
Another thought, the other thing we do is I will actually offer to DO the thing for DH that he needs done, in exchange for him going to the NH for a little while that day. I get a little break from my routine and he gets his thing done. Maybe something like that would help.
When you say "our relationship has never been great." Now: is that really true, something you've felt for a long time; or is it more about how you feel at the moment, upset and hurt because of how torn you are between your husband and your elderly frail parents?
See All Answers