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I need a break. For 6 years I took care of my mother who had lewy's dementia. No help from any of 5 siblings, including the one who lives 4 miles from us. Home health, doctors, medicines, SNIFs, emergency rooms, a woman who came in to help so I could go into office 3 days/week. I work full time but work a lot from home. My mom died at home one morning 1.5 years ago. Now I have my 85 year old father who is increasingly showing memory issues, which started after my mother died. He is very difficult to get along with. Complains about everything, primarily me. I still work full time. But this past couple of days I am very very tired. Pretty much pay for everything including the caregiver who comes in 3 days/week. And still work full-time. My sister who lives 4 miles from us only comes once/month to take my dad to my mom's grave and she is back in 1 hour. This condo my dad and I live in belongs to my dad and mom. My sister is only interested in my dad's money (substantial) and she gets 1/2 in a will he signed in 2014. I get nothing which I have learned to accept. My dad cannot be left alone for 24 hours or live by himself even though he thinks he can. Yes I know about respite care but my dad won't go. My sister won't take him. I am rapidly reaching the end of my rope and don't want to end up broke and homeless. I don't expect an answer but it does help to write it down.

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Anonymous, if this is about a promise to your mother:
1. Deathbed or similar promises are not binding because of the emotional coercion that occurs in these circumstances.
2. Even a promise which was binding ceases to be valid if the circumstances result in doing evil, either to yourself or others.
Could I suggest talking this over with your spiritual adviser? All to often, we have the wrong ideas about moral issues, chiefly because we mistake social pressure and customs for true moral principles. Morality is NOT sentimentality.
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The toughest pqrt of your scenario with your mother will be to completely remove yourself from his home. You already fulfilled your mother's wish...you took care of ger solo for many years. You should not feel guilty or fear that you won't be able to support yourself alone....all the negative voices will be playing out in your head. I broke down approx 5 years aa go and checked myself into the mental behavior ward at my local hospital. The psych doc and all the therapists I spoke to all shared one common goal for me. To find another housing option and move out of my mother's house. At the time, my son and his family were living in my mother's home as well as me. I found an apartment with low monthly rent and informed both my mother and son what my plans were. The apartment community was very old and the living surroundings were depressing. But for 3 years, I was able to rest and do whatever I wanted. I still checked in with my mother everyday and cooked her breakfast, supervised her in home doc visits, medication management and so on. My son was very ugly to me but after caring for her nightly he understood what i was going through. My mother did not charge him rent on money for groceries. He is a much more mature and compassionate person today for that experience. Maybe if you look at it this way, your sister will actually benefit from you leaving. She will then realize she's responsible for your dad and it's only fair because she's inheriting a lot from him when dad dies. That way you won't get burned out and you can still help out with your dad's care. I hope this may help you. God Bless!
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the salvation for you would be to increase time for yourself. find out if you can get volunteers or adult daycare for a few hours. care about isolation. try new things for your own good. join a local support group, even al alon.. you dont have to tell them youre situation just go for the support. I have joined a spirtuality center that specializes in meditation and prayer with meetings all week long. it very easy to burn out and become "trapped" dont ever forget the saying youre no good to anyone if you dont take care of yourself first.
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Dolly is right. 100%. Stop letting your father slap you across your face, please, and move out. Let your sister move in and deal with all the issues; it's her turn now, as the heiress and the one who has done less than 1% of the care giving in the past.
It's time.
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April 2019 ?
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Move out, there is no reason to be abused and not appreciated. When a child is disinherited from a will, for no reason, and the one who does the most, it is a slap in the face.

Let him use his money for AL, not your problem. You are being taken advantage of, it is up to you to stop this.
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cherokeegrrl54 Oct 2019
Exactly!!!! Wise words her, please listen!!
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You story sounds a lot like mine. I have an innate fear of being poor, isolated and homeless after my mother passes away. At least you can maintain a job and I would make it a priority not to resign. However you are allowing your sister and father to treat you poorly. Do you have to stay in his home and be the primary caregiver? Why are you using your own money to care for your father when you have already stated he has substantial wealth which will go to your sibling? Are you able to afford an apartment or a room in someone's home? I would find another living situation and give notice to your sis and father and follow through. Your sister should be doing what you are doing since she is inheriting his estate which includes his money? You must start making some boundaries now before it's too late. God bless and good luck!
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Ok, you’re saying your dad is leaving you nothing, you’re paying for his care out of your pocket just to maintain a job, and he has the means to pay for professional care as well as other children who put in little to no time? No, stop, now. You are a pawn and I could understand if he was broke and/or leaving you something or no siblings. I feel like your being smacked in the face and paying cash for it. I am sad you feel obligated to maintain this, it’s madness. You need to bow out gracefully and let his heirs handle this. That’s not being selfish, it’s a matter of keeping your sanity. Let your sister know you have had a change in your career and she’ll need to take the reigns. Get out, get away, and get back to your life and career.
Maybe I just don’t understand your motivation to continue this? It’s already a bad road, it’s only going to get worse and more hurtful for you emotionally and financially. This I’m sure of!
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Hi A10
I am sorry your post hasn’t gotten more answers. First let me say that I’m sorry you are in this situation.
Give us a few more details. I get that you are very tired. That you are worried about your future and that you have no help. Does anyone have POA? Is your income sufficient to pay for your own home? Will you inherit the condo or does that go to the sibs as well?
As the will is written now, are you saying that you are expected to continue to live with your father, pay his bills and then his estate goes to your sister and other siblings?
You need a good lawyer. You have nothing to lose the way you present your situation and perhaps something to gain. Please don’t remain in this very toxic situation. You also need a therapist.
Explore guardianship of your father. This way you could place him in an ALF with his own income. You can be paid to manage his care. The siblings will be notified. Great. If they want guardianship come and get it.
Your parents have left you in a difficult situation that ruins your life. Don’t waste your time feeling bad for yourself. Take action.
Also look into a care contract. Too late for all the work you have done but good for going forward.
What I am suggesting may sound hard but what you are doing is soul crushing.
Take care and come here to vent anytime.
I’m so glad you are able to work. You do have that to build on.
Hugs A10
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Riverdale Oct 2019
And the fee to the lawyer should be paid for with your father's money. You don't indicate why one person is receiving a bulk of the estate but I agree to get yourself away from such a futile situation. Of course you are feeling burned out. I can't see a good reason for you to continue especially as you are not even treated well for all you do.
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Call a family meeting, even if you need to write letters (send them return receipt requested), use Skype or FaceTime and tell your uninvolved siblings that you have reached the end of your rope and/or feelings of duty and commitment to taking care of parents. You need a life and time exclusively of your own. You will, with or without their help or approval, be looking for a facility for Dad. He will be self-pay until he meets Medicaid requirements. His “substantial” funds will quickly go “poof!” If you have POA this will be much easier than if you don’t. Consult with an attorney regarding the condo. If your name is on the deed, you could most likely stay there. But if it isnt, it may have to be sold and the profits used for Dad’s care. Dad will be furious and uncooperative, but this is the time you rethink the Noble Promise to devote your adult life to their care and think of your own health and well-being. In addition, you might be surprised when, faced with the evaporation of their inheritance, your sibs step up for Dad’s care.
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