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You can try to talk to her but I suspect that she's not going to change. The damage has been done. I think there are 2 choices here: accept that this is the way she is or if you are unable to, find an assisted living facility for her. A possible 3rd choice would be to do some research on this site and concentrate on adult children who move their difficult parents in with them. Typically everyone ends up miserable. But your mom hasn't moved in yet so it's not too late.
Has your mother been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist? Depression exacerbates pain. Pain worsens depression. It's a vicious cycle, and not one broken by pulling one up by one's bootstraps.
Start out by addressing your mom's mental health.
Then, I'm going to suggest you find a mental health professional to help you deal with your fury and seeming need or desire to prove yourself better than your mom.
It's not a terrible thing, to want to need to be better, smarter, more successful than our parrents, as long as were aware of the sources.
You must have had a difficult chikdhood, watching your father abuse your mother, and her helplessness to stop it or flee.
I agree with Eyerishlass. At this age and stage of her life, chances of her changing are very slim. However, a good AL might be able to help her get more out of her comfort zone, and provide more opportunity for social activities. Can't make her participate, but she might accidentally enjoy herself. :)
I would not move her in with you. I did with mine, and I regret it. We are trying to get her moved to a facility so we can breathe again.
It's been years since I first heard it & I don't even remember who said it or if I read it in a book or something. Wish I could give credit, but suffice it to say I didn't think of it myself. I'd say days go by when I don't consciously say it to myself, but I think it's just a part of my outlook at this point & I wish I'd heard it sooner in life. It sure helped me through some tough caregiving times. There were still times when I was sad, sleepless, misunderstood, etc but being able to separate feelings from facts is crucial. If you've seen my other posts, I'm still recovering from being a caregiver and some wounds need more time since we're all human beings. But in terms of dealing with the reality of the facts as they presented themselves and doing what needed to be done for Mom at the time it needed to happen, I'm happy with my performance in general - even when the others' feelings (and sometimes my own) try to tell me otherwise.
If you find time to get out for some fun and unwinding, definitely do it. Don't stop getting dressed every day, keep up w/ your hair and beauty routine. It sounds dumb to hear now, but you'll get it later.
"I'm hilarious!" Haha!! I loved reading that. We have a blast with my Mom. We joke with her about everything....even how crazy she looked having a stroke. Twisted, I know but she laughs her pamper off.
I grew up with three brothers, raised three sons and jokes flew everywhere. Plus none of us have a filter! Only when it comes to our family and friends. We seem to attack people just as touched as we are. They say, you attract what you are! 🌞
Have fun with it as much as you can. Let us know how it's going.
The mom-moving-in thing is a decision that has been made. Moving her on to assisted living may come after that, when/if home-based living becomes impossible. I'm looking to do my best at this. Yes, there are wounds from the past. I'm trying to work on MY part in it so that there can be healing.
I just found a surprisingly fun article on learned helplessness*, and it helped me to see that my mom isn't the only one who tends to get trapped in the cycle. (Surprise? NOT) With you-all's help, and articles like this, I hope to be in good shape mentally for this next stage.
One thing I am seeing: I am going to have to be relentlessly positive. I'm going to have to make ground rules for myself, such as 1) EXERCISE to deal with stress, 2) find a way to laugh at myself daily (shouldn't be a problem -- I'm HILARIOUS!) , 3) for every negative, find a positive.
What other rules should I make for myself? Please keep the suggestions coming!
www.chillpill.io/learned-helplessness/
Do you use it all the time, or just when emergencies happen?
How do you use it on a day-to-day basis?
I grew up in a household of eggshell tiptoeing and seething, and I DON'T want to go back there. I want a place where there's clear communication and straightforward action to solve problems (without excessive focus on feelings). That's the balance I'm looking for, I think.