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With my mom (stage 6 dementia) every evening it was "someone has stolen my money!!! or "you stole my money" This money she's referring to is a sock with money in it that she constantly hides in different places and then forgets where she hid it. I used to exhaust myself to tears trying to convince her that her money wasn't stolen and that she has just forgotten where the new hiding place is, until I became more educated about dementia. One day, I found the sock with the money and kept it just so I would know where it is. After a few evenings of the "my money is stolen" tantrums, and me not responding at all, she has finally forgotten about it! But there is always something else missing or stolen with her. Those "episodes" will go on for about an hour, then she pouts silently for a while, then she goes to bed, The next day, she doesn't remember anything about the previous evening!
Dementia is horrible! That in addition to the fact that my mom and I didn't have the best relationship before dementia is even more challenging! They are no longer in reality but their own reality that often seems like attention-seeking and manipulation, but their brain is dying, section by section.
The mind does not work in advance like that. That is why they can not live alone, drive a car for example. There is no "cause and effect" particularly for a long range goal.
The ring, if she values it was put someplace for "safekeeping" the problem is she forgot where she put it. The same thing would happen to glasses, keys, purse.
If she constantly takes the ring off maybe putting it on a necklace would be a better option. Or if it is of value maybe "loose" it on purpose and place it in a safe deposit box or a safe at home. Tell her it was taken to the jewelry store to be cleaned or repaired. Yes she will obsess over it for a while but may "forget" after a while. Or if another ring could be given to her in it's place.
Excusing everything isn’t all that sensible, getting too angry is not much better.
In the past 6 months we weaned her down to 3.
Yesterday every time she got up, she would grab 3 cans. - She drank at least 8 cans, that I know of, 40 oz water, + her electrolytes.
So, Hubby and I are going to buy caffeine free from now on and only put 3 in the refrigerator at a time.
Im researching Sundowners and going to try to implement as many of their suggestions as possible.
Thank you for all responses. I didn't even know what Sundowners was. I thought it was because shes been cooped up all day (it's over 100 degrees outside).
And yes, a part of it is attention seeking behavior. Just not like I thought it was.
I find after 25 years of experience in elder caregiving that the planned attention-seeking performance behaviors look very different than the ones you get when it's dementia attention-seeking.
With the first it's usually a form of instigating. There are two kinds.
1) The kind that's intended to get a fight started and everyone involved is angry and upset (negative attention)
2) The kind that's intended to create a high-anxiety crisis and get everyone upset but not angry and fighting (positive attention)
The desired outcome is the elder becomes the center of attention for a while.
My mother pulls both kinds. She does not have dementia. Type 2 is her go to every evening after dinner time. Both kinds get ignored and then both kinds stop.
Start taking her ring off an hour or so before dinner and put it in box before it's time for her to start working herself up. Then when she starts, show it to her but don't pay any more attention about it. Don't answer the same question over and over again. It doesn't help.
She will try to start up over something else. Ignore it. The same way that the child can't be the focus of everyone attention every second of the day.
Elders sometimes have to be treated like children. Like when it's bedtime for example. That's not attention time and they have to learn to be alone. The only way that can happen is if they are ignored. It's for their own good. Make sure it's safe and they can't get into trouble. but ignore them.
Don't give your LO's attention-seeking and drama behavior any attention because what it will graduate to is a 'shadowing' habit. This is when an elderly person has to have someone by their side 24-hours a day. They will follow into the bathroom with you. You will have to sleep in their room.
Learn how to ignore with love because this is what's best for everyone including your LO.
A solution could be what Grandma1954 suggested, or you could put her ring on a necklace as long as she's not able to unclasp it or pull it over her head to remove it.
My MIL is in LTC and was obsessing over her engagement ring. I took it telling her I would clean it. I just keep it at home since theft is also always a possibility. She has short term memory impairment, so she's never asked about the whereabouts of the ring. It makes me sad to take it from her but she has plenty of other personal mementos in her her room.
The endless loops, the same challenges to understand just where on earth some items can be. The inability to settle down.
Although it’s hugely maddening, she can’t “plan”, as you or I might.
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