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I don't imagine your sanity is at its most stable right now. Your Dad died. Your mother is ill and needs some of your attention. Those facts in themselves would be very difficult to deal with. And just when you need a steadying and supportive hand as you mourn and cope, you have another person to deal with and your marriage goes from rocky to tatters. Oh you poor dear! Seriously, the stress level here must be off the chart.
I suggest not doing anything permanent right now. Too much stress to decide things calmly. But what if you took a three month break from the entire situation? (Could you arrange that at work?) Vist your mother for a few weeks. Go off and visit one of your children. Go back and see how Mom is doing. On to another child, etc. Dealing with his father alone may be eye-opening for your husband. Being separated may give you each time to consider the value of your marriage and what you want to to about it.
You are not selfish.
You are trying to balance the needs of your other family members, your FIL, your husband and your own well-being.
I'm very curious about two things. You say that bringing FIL to your home got him better therapy, less cost after his fall. I don't know how that works out, because wouldn't inpatient rehab (therapy 2 day some places) be paid for by Medicare? I know that the rehab that my mom got inpatient was a whole different animal from what she'd gotten at home.
You seem to be very concerned about your husband's well-being. (He would have no time to himself?). It seems to me that you could stand to be a little MORE selfish at this point.
Caregiving is a balancing act. FIL is 100. A friend of my mom's passed recently, at 106. Can you do this for another 6 years? Think of how to make it bearable and do - able for 6 years. Is that Al, respite care, Adult Day care? You state you want to move? How about moving closer to your family, into a small apartment. Dad can go to an AL nearby.
It sounds as though FIL moving in was a decision made hastily when it looked like he was near death. That part of the equation has changed, and your plans need to change as well.
You state your husband won't permit his father to go to a lovely well kept Assisted Living facility, but DOES allow his wife to be driven to the brink of insanity and divorce. Hmmm. I think I'd take that as an invitation to go visit a lawyer to talk about what the terms of the divorce would be.
Does your husband realize you are unhappy with this situation?
Who would care for FIL when hubby is at work? And he would never get any time to himself? That is kind of the point. Let Hubby experience what you experience and see if he still insists FIL is not going to a facility. His plan only works if you do the role he has assigned you. Is this a role you are comfortable with? Doesn't seem so.
We are in our 60s; planning to retire soon and move closer to my extended family until now. He can dress, toilet and ambulate without assistance (needs bathing help). BUT needs 24/7 supervision due to balance and insistance on doing exactly what we tell him not to do for safety reasons. We have baby gates up at night to keep him from wandering around house in dark; many conversations about rules etc. Very manipulative and controlling; all meals etc on his schedule or he gets mad. His bedroom and bathroom are on main floor adjacent to family room so we have essentially lost the use of that room and bathroom.
Cannot leave the house together; cannot entertain; have to coordinate all of our required activities (work/meetings etc - I have dropped out of several organizations where I played a key role due to scheduling conflicts).
We have three grown children in various parts of the country who are very supportive but cannot come relieve us.
Husband won't put him in a facility. Will hire home health care when absoultely necessary (very expensive) (Did I mention all this happened at the exact same time that my dad was hospitalized and subsequently died - in another state; my mother is not well; I have had to - and want to - be with my family off and on during the past 10 months)
Am sure there is much much more, but perhaps that gives you some background for my question. Marriage was already a bit rocky - now is kind of in fragments. Sanity is.....???
You might even try a marriage counselor or go to one for your own growth.
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