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Dad is running out of money again at the end of the month, made a big deal that he made a tomato sandwich yesterday for lunch (running out of money to go out I guess)..... Wow will miracles never cease this week Should I play the lottery? Of course he asked me to cover him again this month.
Spending time going to doctors with my wife as her heart rate is up. Dr. finally told her it may be stress related... along with a change of BP meds. Stress is taking a toll on us. Managing her brother in a home in Texas, managing dad, its all too much at times. Hopefully I can get movement on getting the kids out and in a house.
I've dug my heels in the ground and I ain't budging. I want my life back and I'm taking it back. I told my mom about a year and a half ago that I need to have my life back.
TG - I understand where you're coming from when you say that you allow people to take advantage of you because I felt that way too. So I had my aha moment where I know that I can control that. It's also in my nature to do for everyone. One small thing that I did is this - If I have to do the dishes (it's their chore -- Deal was - I cook, they clean) the next day because they didn't do it then I ain't cooking dinner. My husband tells me - why don't you tell them... um... hello... Been there done that... Wash, Rinse, Repeat... So this is my next tactic... lol... saves me from having to cook 2 different meals everytime. This may sound stupid but it feels liberating. lol...
And, you ask if you can say to everyone, "get out." Well.. I have (of course they didn't)... And, I even tell them sometimes that it would be better if they weren't here. They get tired of me "going off" on my yelling tangents and getting angry at the littlest things... But do they do anything to help? No... So I have to change myself unless I truly want them out - which I don't... My family is everything to me and it kills me to put them through all of this.
I'm taking a trip in September to take a Raindrop Therapy class and I'm also going to go on a retreat in November. I'm leaving the kids and my husband here to take care of my mom... I haven't taken a trip in over 7 years... and I love to travel.... I am soooo looking forward to this!!!!
But anyway - I am going to see a psychologist to see if she can offer any help but after I decided to dig in my heels and really truly take back my life, I don't seem to be breaking out in tears in despair as much anymore.
Yes I do need to talk with someone but my biggest issues is I want my house back. Dogs, people, drama.
Living with a depressed, alcoholic SIL who cant find his way out of a room full of doors is an issue. Living with my father (who I love) but is all about him is an issue. Living with my daughter and concerned about her not having the life she deserves is an issue. So all of it stems to me being concerned about everyone else. Can I say to everyone "get out"? I'd like to but that wont happen. Trying to nudge the kids out is not working. Not allowed to say anything to the SIL, ready to kick him to the curb. Yes it is my house but I made this situation. Trying to be nicer and not make waves to just have a more quiet house. Was away for a week with a place to the 2 of us and it was so peaceful. Log for that again. Again, just venting...... yes I do need to talk to someone and this does help letting me get it off my chest.
I guess some of us get a tad frustrated when a poster keeps coming back and saying " yes, but".
Thinking that an elder, one who is a life long narcissist, is going to change into a grateful, contented, loving person because you've taken him or her into your home is a sadly frequent theme here.
Don't get me wrong. I agree with getting outside assistance. He just has to "see it" and want it enough to get the help.
We love the guy, but he keeps saying " i need to be nicer"...
No, he doesn't. He needs to understand that he's taken a bunch of narcissistic takers into his home, for whatever reason. And that THEY aren't going to change.
Change, for many of us, is hard, especially those of us who were groomed by our parents to be people pleasers and who are told never to say "I want...". For many of us, seeking therapy has been of great help in getting there.
Since TG didn't seem to be able to do that, we suggested he get outside assistance.
And yes, maybe professional help is needed and maybe, just maybe, timing is the key as well.
Are there protocols on how people should be on this forum (I'm not talking about the rules/regs/policies)? Instead of attacking tgengine, perhaps it would be best to just choose not to follow this individual's post, as it is clear that there is a high sense of aggravation with this individual. Perhaps the saying of, "You can take the horse to the water but you can't make it drink" applies here?
When the two systems are in alignment, change can come quickly and easily but when they’re not, change can be grueling.
The book explains the why/how in those situations. Where change is hard its possible to align the two systems and overcome the internal conflict about making a difficult change by breaking it down into small steps.
TG, I'd recommend reading the book which will help you to break down the "BIG" emotional picture about making a change about your father. It isn't some crazy psych book, its a 5 star recommended book used by business people, CEO's, etc. (Your problem is a very emotional thing, and full of many separate actions you must do - and that, in itself is overwhelming you so you can't plan it out. If you do agree to go for counseling, once you resolve your feelings, maybe the counselor could help you work through a step by step plan.
The emotional system can exhaust you and that is where you are right now.
The book explains the why/how in those situations where change is hard its possible to align the two systems and overcome the internal conflict about making a difficult change by breaking it down into small steps.
Perhaps reading this book could help (actually its a 5 star book because it applies to everything we all do in making decisions, achieving goals)
You are overwhelmed looking at the "BIG" picture about making a change with your father (because there are many facets to doing it and it is a very emotional thing) and that, in itself is overwhelming and exhausting you.
Instead, set long term and short term goals. Small short term goals are reachable, baby steps to get to the ultimate goal. If you do agree to go for counseling after you sort out your feelings then a counselor can help you make a plan.
Maybe, take a break from this site if you want..............and then come back with renewed hope. You can do it.
See the movie: "THE NEVER ENDING STORY"
It will help you to not give up your quest.
Movie quotes:
G'mork: If you come any closer, I will rip you to shreds.
Atreyu: Who are you?
G'mork: I am G'mork. And you, whoever you are, can have the honor of being my last victim.
Atreyu: I will not die easily. I am a warrior!
G'mork: Ha! Brave warrior, then fight the Nothing.
Atreyu: But I can't! I can't get beyond the boundaries of Fantasia!
[G'mork laughs and Atreyu gets a little angry]
Atreyu: What's so funny about that?
G'mork: Fantasia has no boundaries.
[laughs]
Atreyu: That's not true! You're lying.
G'mork: Foolish boy. Don't you know anything about Fantasia? It's the world of human fantasy. Every part, every creature of it, is a piece of the dreams and hopes of mankind. Therefore, it has no boundaries.
Atreyu: But why is Fantasia dying, then?
G'mork: Because people have begun to lose their hopes and forget their dreams. So the Nothing grows stronger.
Atreyu: What is the Nothing?
G'mork: It's the emptiness that's left. It's like a despair, destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.
Atreyu: But why?
G'mork: Because people who have no hopes are easy to control; and whoever has the control... has the power!
Atreyu: Who are you, really?
G'mork: I am the servant of the power behind the Nothing. I was sent to kill the only one who could have stopped the Nothing. I lost him in the Swamps of Sadness. His name... was Atreyu.
Atreyu: [the ground shakes again and Atreyu is knocked down. He grabs a knife shaped piece of broken stone and stands up, ready to fight] If we're about to die anyway, I'd rather die fighting! Come for me, G'mork! *I* am Atreyu!
I think NYDIL asked you to print off your original qiestions, not be mean (as I think you interpreted it) but as a suggestion to show a therapist what you've been dealing with.
People don't change overnight. It takes real effort to change behavior patterns that we've developed since childhood. You ARE getting something out of the role of long-suffering son. I suspect it is reinforcement of your idea of being a "good guy"...you don't appear to be able to see yourself as a good guy AND say no when it's reasonable.
Eat some parsely.
Try deep breathing, slowly.
It must have taken NYDIL time to gather all that valuable history in order to help you gain insight. Now, it is what you do with it that matters. Taking your ball and going home is not going to help you. See you next week!
After the full moon maybe.
These were also your words:
"not the way i want it to be. Feeling like a child at times."
What does your wife say to you at these times?
1. I have become a mean person since being a caregiver. (Asked 4 months ago; 302 answers of right now)
2. My Dad's moving in with my wife and I soon. How do I handle this? (Asked 3 years ago; 98 answers)
3. When do I get concerned about Dad's mental health? (Asked 1 year ago; 33 answers)
4. So stressed with Dad living with me, losing ways of coping. (Asked 1 year ago; 206 answers)
5. How do you handle basthroom (sic) issues with an older parent? (Asked 4 months ago)
6. I have begun to be a professional caregiver (non paid) Am I sick?
7. "Your (sic) not the only cold you know", says my sister..... (Asked 2 years ago)
Venting is one thing and your pattern of engaging on this forum is quite another. You have an excuse or "yes...but" for practically everything. If you put half as much effort into pondering the HUNDREDS of answers you have received on this forum, or talking to a mental health professional, that you put into resisting and complaining about why nothing seems to get better for your, you would be better off.
AS far as my daughter, she is as ready as I am but her loser husband is in the way. I tried being nice now I am just going to be a PITA. Tired of his dysfunction, laziness and sloppiness. I didn't raise my daughter this way, not sure why she fell for him. As far as I am concerned he is a loser. Yes he works but he is all about himself and not helping her. I look for places for them but he wont help with applying for a mortgage. Again he is her problem. I am pissed at him because he is wasting her time. She wants kids and a house and apparently unless someone buys it for him that wont happen. Not happening here, I bought my own at 25.
Yes I need a therapist, need someone to talk to other than my wife who is in the same boat with me. Luckily we get it and trust each other and talk a lot.
Not cooking for everyone now, (They are eating a lot of pizza lately, oh well). No one cooks but me. Wife and I have been getting out more so you all are on your own, good luck with that!
You said you figured out the truck problems because you didn't want the neighbors bothered with the noise of a broken exhaust system. You accomplished, that, yes? If that was your goal, then you done good!
One of the things that will help you is learning that if someone nearby is unhappy, it's NOT always YOUR fault that they are unhappy, nor is it your duty to "fix" their situation.
It's a hard lesson to learn. I know. I had to unlearn years of doing that, and causing myself much unhappiness. Just because I THOUGHT I knew what would make someone happy doesn't mean it's actually what they want to have happen.
Because you let them all take advantage of you. D and SIL are still living with you because you let them. For free, correct? You say you are in discussion with them (or at least your D) about moving out. But haven't these discussions been going on for a very long time? Haven't they been living with you for years?
Glad to see you acknowledge that your father can live with one of your siblings. Usually you are posting that this can't happen. We all know that it can, as do you.
Did he SAY that he was upset with YOU about that?
I have yet learned to set boundaries and have yet to learn that "no good deed goes unpunished."
I attempt to help people but it comes back to fly into my face. Yesterday my old truck that I sold/gave to my SIL (only gave me a 3rd of what I asked for) had the exhaust pipe rot through and fell off. He pondered what to do. I looked at it, told him what was wrong and told him to take it to my garage and the guys will fix it maybe cost $45. It cost $80 (Hey you dont have any bills) and he was upset which made for uncomfortable no speaking evening. I cant win, I advise what to do when it would have taken him days to figure it out. So I am to let a dirt track sounding truck rumble through my neighborhood? I try to help and it fly's back in my face. So now I guess I just let people to their own devices. Dad whispers to his friend on the phone every night at 10 but yells for everyone to hear on all the other calls, Like I can't hear.
It is getting more and more uncomfortable in my own home. I know I can just say time for everyone to get out but not in my nature I guess.
If no one like living with me why do they live here? That confuses the h*ll out of me. If I am such a bad guy what are you all still here? I don't get it. Dad can live with daughter or other son, daughter can get her own place. If life sucks here then go, no bars on the doors...... confused, frustrated, ticked off, bewildered, defunked.... (is that a word?)