I have become a mean person since being a caregiver. Does anyone else experience this?

Hire someone or in-home agency to take over. That's easier said than done. 😰 I feel the same way. I feel sleepy all the time, depressed, so frustrated and I have lost my sense of humor. My dad keeps asking what is wrong with you (me). Since my mom passed away and my dad is not the same dad I knew, my old self is gone before I am 50. I know it sounds bad, but I feel and wish that God would take my dad now and I would feel better and relief. However, I love my dad.

I am currently going through the tense part with my mom. When she repeats or work my last nerve I sometimes lose it. I work during the day and my wonderful husband (retired) takes care of MY mother. I would be responsible for her showers, laundry. I don't mind doing it but sometimes it gets hard. I love my mother dearly and I have 4 other siblings that CALL her. I know I need to talk to someone. She goes to the community center twice a week and now we have license caregiver comes in twice week to bathe her, laundry and light housekeeping as well. This will be a godsend I hope. My mother has improved physically (she was using a walker), now uses a cane when needed. Dementia is her issue now. I don't want to regret any time I have with her.

We are caregivers for my husband's mother. She has lived with us off and on, and thankfully is staying more at her own home (next door) just lately. It has been a roller coaster ride. We have only been married 4 years and she has lived with us most of that time. She is manipulative, self-absorbed and self-pitying, is in remarkably good health for her age (90) but uses imaginary physical complaints as attention seeking. She is critical, judgmental, and spiteful and has alienated about 6 different family members who were willing to take her in and help her in her home. I know she's unhappy but she is unwilling to try to do anything about it -- finds fault with everyone and everything. So to get to the heart of your question, my husband, who is sweet, kind, and patient, has become snappy and distant and spends more and more time away from home, and I find myself fighting incredible rage and frustration that affects not only my normally easy going personality but my ability to do my work.

Something that helps me is a codependency paradigm -- detaching from her emotionally (she's a job. Period). It's good you're making time for yourself and your wife. I know its expensive but its self care for you and needs a place in your budget. Boundaries -- both emotional and physical -- help. Our house is small and we suffer too from lack of privacy. Miss P is nosy and seemingly all up in everything we do. So each of us has a private space where she is not allowed. This did not sit well at first and provoked WW3 for a while, but she also has a room of her own that we do not go in and that we allowed her to choose all the furnishings and decorate.

I don't know what their physical issues are, but I wonder if there isn't a senior center or adult day care that your parents could attend at least a couple of days a week to see different people and have a change of scenery and give you a little breathing room.

Yes, I do come to this site to vent and see what other people are doing to maybe help myself.
I am getting closer to counseling. I need something. I am been getting grumpier every day. Yesterday we went to our friends for the Superbowl party (this friend is also my dads church buddy, sits with him at church) so I really had no way out. Time to go and and he is scampering down the stairs and jumps in the front seat of the car. No "can I help you with anything", just ready to go. Of course I was all fired up, Just makes for an uncomfortable situation. Then he digs into the first cooler he sees (someone else s beer cooler) when I brought one for us. He is just so used to being taken care of. No one else notices but me so it does bother me.
Working on my project first thing in the AM he comes out and giving out commands on what to do and he leaves for church. It was like being the employee. I get it he knows what to do but so do I. I worked all day by myself happily. He came back and I sucked it up and let him tell me what to do. It wasn't until I said you do it and he had some difficulty, Once he realized he cant physically do it as much and I can it changes the dynamic. I am not trying to be a jerk it is just coming out.
After a few days of working together he seems to be less bossy. It is just right out of the gate he treats me like I know nothing. yes I have learned much from him and I am grateful but the overriding factors seem to get in the way.
So every day I try to tuck tail a little more.
I have brought this all on my own, I just want my peaceful house back and time with my wife without costing me dinners and weekends away.

I think a lot of what he's dealing with is resentment - not just that they've turned his life upside down. But resentment that their attitude and behavior are forcing him to have to behave in what seems to him to be a mean manner. That to get his life balanced, he will have to say no, set boundaries and end up perceived by them as being mean, uncaring, selfish or whatever. When I set long overdue boundaries with my mom, she told me I'd become "hard." I responded that no, I was just being a grownup. But I resented having to constantly behave in a manner that's not like me.

We have suggested over and over to TG to at least try counseling so that he can step back, detach, and learn to set boundaries. To date he does not seem to have taken any of us up on any of our advice re his dad and his children.

Perhaps he just wants a place to vent and is not willing to make the waves it will take to make change. This is a safe place to do so. He can vent until something or someone other than TG makes a change.

I think that for people like TG, it's really difficult and painful to realize and accept that your own loved ones will just keep taking and expecting. You keep hoping they'll realize that you're doing something good for them and they'll be appreciative. What seems to happen is you have to detach, pull back on doing what is normal for you. And you become a different person, and it feels wrong to not be the nice, kind person you are. Sadly, it's often the only way you can protect yourself from such people. I think this is one of his struggles - that setting boundaries, saying no, doesn't feel like him.

I'm just going to say I am really sorry for you. We think we are doing our best, helping out the family (as we've been taught and conditioned to do!) and they turn on us, or use us. I've been in the situation of being an unappreciated caregiver AND a "you can stay with us as long as you need" mom to married, grown kids. In both cases, I wound up completely losing it---I already HAVE depression and anxiety issues, even KNOWING that I willingly step into caregiving/helping situations.
I do see a therapist, pretty much every week. She is helping me to "find my voice" and self-care. (Since, really, nobody pays a second's attention to me--)
You need to think long and hard about how much this is costing you, emotionally, physically and financially. It is SO hard to stand up to my mom when she's mean and thoughtless. My kids did move out (it was temporary, as we knew it would be, but I cried for days over the damage they did to our home!! And in the ingratitude was amazing.)
Mother doesn't live with me--but I still have to gear myself up to go do my time with her. It's never pleasant and good, there is always some issue.
TAKE the time with your wife!!!! Shove those chicks out of the nest (unless they ARE making life more enjoyable) and look into care for your dad. My FIL got to the point where he was going to have to live in a NH and my hubby said "NEVER! You'll come live with us". Didn't consult me. I had my mini-fit, away from hubby and as things went, dad passed away before he could ever move in.
I have finally learned, after 60 years, that I matter, too.

Tg, I wonder if part of your wife's reluctance to leave for a week is leaving those three and the dogs without any supervision....what would she be coming home to. You're concerned about later regrets if you don't spend all this time making Dad happy.....please think about the regrets when Mrs. T reaches her tipping point because your lives are now being controlled by these users.

Hmmm, I missed the bit about taking him to the Superbowl party because otherwise you would be leaving him alone. What?
This man was capable of driving himself, alone, to visit your sister. He doesn't need a sitter.
He goes out for dinner without you (on your dime). Who does he eat with, where are those friends?
You mention that you don't want to have regrets when he is gone, so instead you burden yourself with regrets every day, you have set yourself up against an impossible yardstick :(

TG...

I'm not going to say "told you so." No need. YOU told you so. You knew this situation was on the cards, right back those years ago when you were preparing for your father to move in. I remember! And I remember thinking it was good, because you were alert to the problems and would be able to catch them in good time.

You love your father, too; not just other people. That's why you burst blood vessels trying to do kind and loving things that make him feel respected and useful. Trouble is, the reality of it is, he drives you nuts, and he is seriously impacting on your life, which impacts on your wife's life. Think she doesn't notice if you bottle it up tightly enough? Not a chance!

You don't have to do anything about it right now - you won't do it, anyway, I know - but you do need to find out what his options are. He is an economic unit on his own, and if his assets and income won't cover housing and support then he's entitled to assistance. Entitled, note. He paid taxes, didn't he?

You're working overtime to supplement his income; you're also doing the work of caregiving; you know you're fraying at the edges. You are going to have stop before you break. Don't just say you can't do it to the old guy, or he can't afford it, or you can't afford it - FIND OUT what's possible.

Ok, tg, forgive me if I sound a bit strident, but this hits home with me. here's what you do about the Super Bowl - you get some good snacks in the house for Dad. You tell him that you and Mrs. T will be going together, as a couple because you'd like an evening out with your wife. Then when your friends get after you about where your dad is, how much they love him, why didn't you bring him with you - you put your arm around Mrs. T and tell them nope, you wanted an evening out with your sweetie. And smile. Then you move the subject - greet another guest, go find a drink, whatever to signal that topic is closed. Then you relax, have fun. Yes, Dad will be miffed, but going out with your wife only, as a couple is a normal, reasonable thing. And seriously - do you relax and enjoy when you're at a gathering with your dad? Or are you in constant watch guard mode? And please note that no one else's parents will be at that party.

I did this - Mom was miffed, I got stinkeye from her. And it took us going to about three gatherings without her before people stopping asking why she wasn't there. Each time, i answered that I wanted an evening with just my husband. You know what? It sent a powerful message to my incredibly patient husband, that I'd draw that boundary and carve out time for us.

Your dad is able to get out and develop a social life - you are not obligated to take him to all of your gatherings.

Having a parent living with you does not mean you are always a trio. Draw this boundary. Should you feel misplaced guilt about trying to have couple time, ask yourself how often your parents took THEIR parents with them to social events. And ask yourself if your parents did a fraction of what you are doing to give him an excellent quality of life.

This will be a difficult first step, but I assure you that each subsequent time, it will be easier and easier for you.

Those of us reading from the outside can see the vicious cycle is of your own making, that is why therapy has been brought up so many times.

You KNEW your dad would try to take over the building project, you told us so a long time ago. Rather than spinning it that he should enjoy his well deserved retirement and doesn't have to lift a finger you chose to include him anyway.

You insist that there is no possible way he could live on his own, yet you must know that people do it all the time, old people who have no one or are poor or mentally/physically ill are not lining the streets of America.
There ARE solutions, you just don't like them.

And your daughter and SIL are using you, possibly because you keep sending them mixed messages - stay as long as you need too, it's nice to have my family here, I'm sorry I get so angry when they treat me like crap it is all my fault - sound familiar?

Thanks, I have given counseling a thought. Yesterday I was pretty upset. I am finishing an addition for my wife and I for a room she has wanted. Dad being a builder was upset I didn't have him do it (hired someone to do the heavy work). He could not do the work at all anyway due to his age and health and it was easier for me to do my job and make the money to hire someone to do the heavy work. I asked him to help ME with the finishing to keep him included. I can do the work and was just asking his expertise. Thinking it would smooth over things. The problem is when I ask something he goes full on contractor mode and treats me like an employee. This is my job, my money, my idea, my thing. So every day I tell myself to be nice and be patient, then it is something that sets me off (I just get silent that is all). I called him to ask about some materials he made on the list, and he goes into a dissertation on it, so I hung up, I didn't answer his calls for a little while. Unfortunately I have run my own business for so long that I do not do well with bosses. So today I will tuck my tail and remain calm and ask his help so he feels included. I understand why my brother did not call him when he worked for him. It is not that I cant do the work, it is I am trying to include him to make lie bearable in the house.
As far as him living else where he couldn't live in a free tent anywhere, He has no money. All he has is SSI and that just covers his bills. At the end of the month I generally cover at least $100. So his living elsewhere is out of the question and it would cause more pain on this end.
Yes the kids are still here. My fear is they will never leave due to the SIL job situation. He has a full time job but it is temporary and they keep pushing back his permanent status. So here we are stuck in the middle.
I have noticed more and more about my ADD and how that is affecting things. I am pushing my business more to make more money so I have a lot on my plate. We talk all the time about going on vacation but my wife worries about leaving the house for a week, so I get into "the circle of funk". I go back and forth and cannot get a decision done to get a vacation so back to being grumpy. We have to take him with us to a Superbowl party otherwise I am leaving him alone. My friends invite him as they all know and love him but it is me wanting some time out alone..... again I am grumpy. I watched a video about a son who recorded his interaction with his mom with Alzheimer and she had no clue who he was and how it hurt him. I don't want to get to a point where he has an issue and I have wasted time with him because I am so grumpy. Vicious cycle I am in.
Again trying to remain calm but it is not easy..........

TG, have you given any thought to the idea of counseling? I know that a couple of us had suggested that talking your situation over with a trained therapist might yield good results.
Here's the thing; you sound hopeless and helpless. That's sort of indicative of depression. Depression is a treatable, curable illness. But you have to take the first step and talk to someone (other than us) about what "hurts".
Go see your internist, if nothing else. Tell her/him what's going on in your life. Don't make light of it. Tell your doctor how much this is getting you down and affecting your ability to enjoy life.

TG - have you gotten your daughter and son-in-law out of your house yet? as I recall - they were sponging off you and causing stress also, with their dogs and sense of entitlement etc

I have asked that too many times that same question. I feel crabby and I don't want to talk to mom and it is t her fault she has dementia. This group helps a lot.

tg, me too. I have been reduced to a person that crawls off to my room to chew my teeth. I am so irritable all the time. I'm not fit to shoot. It helps having a rabbit. She looks at me like, "You mad AGAIN??" She is a little bit of sanity in a crazy world.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Not that I've become mean - it's more of having lost my up-beat nature. I've never been the perky sort but I was a positive person and always looked on the bright side. You know - the half full vs the half empty. I feel like most of my sense of humor is gone as well - the thing my husband always said he loved the most about me.

I looked after my mom six years; my dad as well for the first two of the six years. I loved my father very much and he was easy to look after - he tried to make it easy. My mother on the other hand, was very difficult and a nightmare her final three years - especially when the dementia really kicked in and she became impossible to reason with, mean - saying cruel and hateful things to me when I was the only one of her children helping her, the continuing attempts at manipulation, demands for attention, lying - need I go on?

Moms been gone five months now but the hits keep coming - a recently discovered journal that was written when she was still in her "right mind " but took a swipe at each of her children.

I kept thinking that with enough time some of the old me will return now that moms gone. But now? Honestly, I'm beginning to wonder. I miss the old me.

I hear ya TG, and our situations are not all that different either! My husband's Dad has lived with us for 13 years, and my husband has 2 absent siblings, who live out of state, out of mind, and have never in all these 13 years, offered to help out in any way shape or form.

My husband, the youngest, was always the only one involved in his parents lives (me too), with us bringing our children (while they were kids and throughout their growing up years) to their house nearly every weekend, which was a trek, as they lived about 35 miles from us, and keeping them included in all of their activities and all of the holidays. One weekend day, every week, so my husband could work around their house, doing yard work, and fixing things, his siblings still absent.

My husband's dysfunctional parents, and his Dad, a Narcissist, both held a carrot over my husband's head for years and years, as long as I can remember, his parents telling him that one day, the lake house would be his, didn't happen, as his sister (an evil bipolar Alcoholic) charged up 5 different Credit Cards in his Mother's name to the tune of 68 thousand dollars, and their house was about to have several Liens put upon it, so they sold it, and payed off the creditors, but did not press charges against the daughter, allowing (enabling) her to get away with just one more financial blunder after another, which screwed them out of more and more money! They also promised my husband many thousands of dollars in inheritance, money they inflated and never really had, as they wanted to look like the Carrington's or something, inflating their holdings to appear more than they were, just normal people, with a normal amount of investments, nothing earth shattering. But still, put on the table as an incentive to take care of the Old Man, and give our lives up to him, it is So Not Fair, what they did to my husband.  

My husband would have seen to and taken care of his Dad for NO MONEY, but to have it shoved in your face for So Long, and to then find out that his other siblings already helped themselves, and screwed their parents out of many many thousands, is just sickening! And then when you do put your life on hold, you do tend to expect a little of what you have been told will be your inheritance, and you work to take care of him, in your home, giving up your life, through illnesses, Cancer, as he declines, and aging, and still he hangs on, and you become resentful for what you've been missing out on, and missed opportunities you could have taken advantage of, it all so dang frustrating!

So, We're Done! We've had enough, and are now in the process of finding him a nice Assisted Living place, near where we intend to live, as we are probably going to sell our home in this upswing of the housing market, and to hell with his money, his promises, his d*mn Carrots, it No Longer holds the appeal it once did. Too many strings attached, Too many broken promises, Too damn much taken from us, without regard for Any of our own feelings , wants and desires!

All those years before his wife passed away, (MIL had been very sick with Severe Enphecema), he would corner my husband or myself, and begged us to live with us, when his wife passed, as it was assumed she would pass before him, and did. Of course we said Yes, as he made it so abundantly clear, that he just could not live on his own, couldn't cook or clean or do anything. And in all the time he has lived with us,  he rarely ever speaks about his wife, as it's all about him! Never once looked at old home movies, or picture albums, it's weird!

So now finally, the subject of us Needing to begin thinking of our own lives, our own hopes and dreams, and us wanting to accomplish some of them, before something happens that we cannot, and you know what he says? "OK, as long as it's decent", and then he says, "what happens if I run out of money, are you going to just dump me in the street?". So you see, he's never been concerned At All, with anything to do with our lives, only himself. No mention of All Those Many Thousands, he's been holding over my husband's head, only himself. The Carrot only worked so well so long, until my husband finally "Saw the Light", and it's taken these past 2 years, for him to get up the nerve to "disappoint" his Dad by telling him that One Day, we may need to settle him comfortably into Assisted living, but when he finally does, "CRICKETS"! Not the reaction my husband thought would come, not the "But I wanted to leave you a healthy Inheritance", Nope, it's all about him and his own creature comforts. My husband feels Completely let down!

Frustrated? Oh Ya, my husband is on the verge of a complete breakdown nearly every single day, in dealing with his Dad.

There is Zero appreciation, Zero Thanks, nothing, it's all about him!

And me as his wife, I've sat back, supported my husband, and stayed out of it, to the best of my abilities, as one more oar in the water only leads to more confusion and frustration, more arguments between my husband and I,  it's just not worth it.

My FIL is beginning down the road to Dementia, and my husband cannot deal with it, At All!

Besides having a dysfunctional relationship with his Dad All his life, no hugs no affection, little attention, as all of that was given by his Mom, my husband has no patients for his Senility. He simply cannot handle it, and it causes so much bitterness and anger in him. Like you TG, his BP is on the rise, and If we don't make the move now, my husband is likely to have a Heart attack or Stroke! It's time, we've got to change this scenario.

That doesn't mean that we will abandon him, but we need to get him settled into a nice place, where he can watch TV all day, have his meals, and let him consume his life, all about himself, somewhere else, so that we can get on with ours.

tgengine, I know for me the problem was the lack of sleep.   Always sleeping with one eye and both ears opened, even though my late parents were under their own roof and I under my own.   It was the dreaded telephone calls, that would send me into major panic mode.

The phone calls were mainly can you drive me here or there... but at the time I was working full-time so I took time off from work which made the environment at work not feel so user friendly.   And the weekly "Dad has fallen", to which after dusting him off to check to see if 911 would be needed.   About 1 out of 5 times it was.

I don't do well with very little sleep.   I become a bear.   I would turn on my sig other when he would say "good morning".   This wasn't me, I was always a quiet sort.   No vacations for 7 years.   No movies for 7 years.   No eating out for 7 years.   Just too nervous we would settle in our seats at the movie and a call would come through that Dad fell.   Mom couldn't hear on the phone so there is no recommending call 911.... [sigh].

Wow, you are in a bad spot. Is there any other choice besides having him
 live with you? Maybe you could contact "A Home for Mom" for other solutions. My sister and I were fortunate enough to have our mother in IL, then AL, then a NH rather than live with us. We loved her, visited often, but there is no way we could have lived with her. The lack of privacy, the responsibility, her negativity and expecting us to amuse her and fill her day and give up what we wanted to do would have ruined our marriages. Understand completely how you feel, no privacy, etc. Hope you can find another solution!

Our life situations and experiences are worlds apart TG, but I can relate. I'm cranky and irritable and I can't even remember what it is like to be a positive person anymore, I'm starting to doubt that I ever was. I wonder who I will be when this is all over, and it isn't a good feeling.