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Today while I had to shovel all the walks and decks and move snow at my place I get to watch my SIL have a smoke after I have done all the work.... aragh! I cant wait until 4 in the afternoon to have it done. Then I get to plow 5 more driveways! Sorry, I was brought up to get up early and get things done, not slowly move into the day when you have 4 days off a week...... OK, the SIL did make dinner last night, we did get to eat around 8..... it was good, and it was nice to have someone make dinner..... He is up again tonight to make dinner, I am not home, on business travel tonight.
So today need to start the positive affirmations, maybe that will keep me sane. Its nice out so I will start walking and need to move, I can feel the stress in my chest lately and my BP is creeping up so I have to take care of me. Plus with my wife hyper sensitive about her situation gives me more stress, Yes Stress is a killer and I have to figure out how to keep it off my back so to speak.
Thank you for letting me vent because only god knows no one else will listen.
SIL is making dinner tonight.... this should be fun, he starts around 5 when he is home all day, usually gets done about 8....... I advised him a pork roast takes a long time and don't buy anything until he looks in the pantry, I don't need more spices and items taking up room. The only rule is if you use it up, replace it. I give him credit for cooking, hoping it helps him. An it gives me a night off. Again the positive thing! Now if he would only start looking for a house!
I practically had to sew my mouth shut with sail thread.
You have to let them make their own mistakes. Like nephew 2's cardamom ice cream. If only someone had told him you have to take the seeds out of their pods before you blend the mixture. High fibre version, anyone? :P
teng - you were looking for a support group. Any luck? Seems like stress is building and building which it does if it is not dealt with successfully. Your wife's health has been affected, and it sounds like yours is being affected too. I hear that you have some fears about going to a counselor, which I understand, but, might it not be worth trying, seeing that your life is becoming more and more stressful? It isn't going to go away on its own, you know. People on your threads are responding out of concern for you and your wife. If you cannot draw a line in the sand with others in order to make changes, can you draw one for yourself? Have you seem a doctor about your blood pressure? (S)he may have some suggestions, including an antidepressant which could help you. You sound very depressed to me. Self medicating with e.g. alcohol is self defeating.
Not a big one on anxiety meds, have seen way too much on what happens with them. I keep the ETOH in check, at least I try (too many calories). So I am trying to keep my mouth shut, let the ball roll all those things. And remember I brought this on myself. It is just not the way I pictured it..... I was hoping the timeline would have been shorter and dad spent more time visiting siblings like they promised (a few months with them). I tried reading on what to do but doesn't seem to help. The fact that dad has been busy helping me with some of the building has helped but once that it done we will be back to square one.
My biggest issues is when we got married we got an apartment, in 3 years we bought a house, by year 5 we had our first child. I am not putting time lines on anyone but we just came out of a recession, we didn't have high level jobs, only one had a college degree (not me). So how did we do it? That is my big issue, a SIL that has no motivation to get out on his own and my daughter has the baby and house bug bad..... So I have to bite my tongue and let what ever happen happen.... OK positive thoughts.......
Teng - I mentioned anti- depressants, not anti anxiety meds. There is a world of difference between them. Look it up. Situational stress can bring about situational depression.
Hope you find a support group.
You can be the motivation for sil. Give him a date by which he has to move out. I have done it to family who did not keep up their end of the bargain. Supporting a freeloader only encourages more freeloading.
As far as me I am trying..... My wife overheard dads conversation with my sibling about his nightmares and falling out of bed, he was on speaker phone, she changed the subject immediately, when he brought it up again she cut the conversation. Gee you would think a nurse would be interested in his health. So that is it, I am all on my own for dads care except the fact she is buying him a new phone this week. Gee the "divorced syndrome", good parent, bad parent,. one buys the toys and one sets the rules....
I know it could be worse....... I keep telling myself. I have to be positive! Dang this positive thing sucks
Tired.... just tired... Next week 3 days away with my wife, a little business and a little vaca.
What specific kind of support group are you looking for, if not one for someone who has an elderly parent who is on the decline living with them?
Does it matter if your dad hasn't been diagnosed yet? Just go.
You need to contact your siblings and set up a specific schedule if you want that to happen, perhaps two months at each home, on a rotating basis. Don't wait for someone else to make it happen. Tell them that this is the new plan, going forward. As in....
"going forward, Dad is going to stay with each of us on a rotating schedule. Two months at each of our homes. We will keep Dad until the end of February. He will spend March and April at sibling X, and then moved to Sibling Y for May and June, returning back here for July and August.
Dad living with us full time is having a disastrous effect on my wife's health and my business. The plan needs to change immediately.
If one of you is interested in an alternative, like finding dad an affordable apartment near you or a care facility, I am happy for you to do so."
Re the ETOH, it is a depressant, and though often used by depressed people in an attempt to make them feel better, in the long run it makes them feel more depressed, as well as the other negative emotional and physical side effects.
Tgeng, let your real feelings (not the "positive" ones you are trying to drum up and rather obviously not succeedng) drive you to change your behaviours, don't suppress them. Feelings are there to tell you something is wrong, to help you make choices that are better for you, not to be suppressed. Example: you are fed up with sil and his failure to take responsibility for himself. I think most people would be in your position. The answer is NOT to increase your expectations of yourself in terms of putting up with more and more of this and being positive about it. That is dysfunctional and totally unrealistic. Do you not see another answer?
I hear you about your sibs. Mine is less than helpful too.
Reaching out to counselors would be a great move forward for you and your wife.
Hope you have a good vacation and come back with some new ideas of how to cope. ((((((hugs)))))
I highly recommend using a Adult Day Health Program. He could go anywhere from 1 to 5 days a week. He will get a hot lunch and have activities and people in his own age bracket to talk to. Some of them have services you can pay for right there in their facilities, such as toenail care or showers.
Another thought comes to mind: Is he well enough to contribute some work to Habitat for Humanity or other similar projects? He'd quickly find out he can't be boss, but at least his skills would be appreciated.
Could the room your daughter is going to vacate be converted to a workshop?
My Mom moved to my sister's house in September. I'm still recovering and healing. But I'm beginning to feel like "myself", starting to have more energy, starting to think more clearly, starting to remember things, and enjoying still being a Mom and a wife. I continue therapy -- excellent Christian therapist who knows all areas of the person work together for health: physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological. And I rely on my Lord, Jesus Christ for my happiness -- not pleasing others. God bless each of you!
Find the strength to have the uncomfortable conversations that will make your home life appropriate for you & wife. Daughter & SIL need to go. Give them a 30-day deadline and pay their security deposit & 1st month's rent. What the h*ll -- it's only money. But write those checks to their landlord. Don't just give them cash; you know how that will turn out.
Daughter & SIL's presence -- and their revolting dog -- is a burden and a distraction. Let those 2 flounder elsewhere. Their pitiful marriage and slap-dash approach to adulthood is not something you need under your nose 24/7. And they don't even have the sense to be embarrassed by how entitled and low-function they are. OUT.
Dad has nominal income and low assets, so put him on the waiting list of every subsidized senior building in your county. Today. When his name goes to the top of the list, you pack him up and move him out. The stupid sh*t he's storing at your house will be there forever. Look beyond that and get Dad his own apartment. If you have to buy him a sofa and coffee table, so be it. OUT.
If you're concerned that [insert name here] won't be happy, tough sh*t! None of your hangers-on are happy. And you are not responsible for their happiness.
You need to be all-in for your wife. She needs and deserves a husband who is calm and focused. I know you love "Mrs TG" to the moon and back; it shows in the way you write about her. And you want as many good years with her as possible, right?
Make it happen. No more talk. It's time for action. (You can do it!)
My mother had a stroke 3 years ago and loved being the sick little old lady in her group and all the visits and cards she received. She wouldn't do her therapy thus she is where she is. She can't understand why I don't have time to sit, drink coffee, chit chat and watch tv.
My dear husband just never understood that it was his responsibility to take care of his health. Aside from dialysis, he is suffering from sun downers syndrome--my diagnosis. He tried meds but they made him sick so he refuses to return to the dr.
I also am the chauffeur for a disabled adult/child who fortunately has his own place.
I find myself being sarcastic and non-communicative. I do what I have to do. I try to just not speak rather than say something evil but every now and then it just pops out.
If my husband could just do simple things which he is capable of, it would help and I could take care of the rest of the house and such.
We are trying to get mom into a nursing facility but then dealing with paperwork and then her comments to friends and family--you get the idea.
I"m hoping this will ease the stress and give my husband and I time to do what we want without having to worry about getting help with mom.
I appreciate this area to post. Not that anyone can really help with the different situations but as least it is an area to air out the stress and realize that there are others that are going through the same or similar situations.
Resentment is an ugly thing, and I feel plenty of it myself in spite of the fact that my mother lives in an ALF. I am the ONLY one who's responsible for her, paying bills, managing finances, dealing with her constant 'needs' for new clothing, eyeglasses (that she refuses to wear), shoes (which she refuses to wear), calling/visiting, etc. She's a narcissistic personality who complains 24/7, so I thank God I made the decision to never have her live with me. As bad as things can get, they can NEVER get as bad as they would if she were living in my home.
Do what you have to do to maintain YOUR quality of life, and that of your wife's. Best of luck.
Was going to take a few days more but my wife had a symptom not to ignore before we left and had a dr appt scheduled today so now she needs to have an MRI immediately today. Hmmmm not good news today, so later today she gets a head and neck MRI scan. Praying for nothing and this is just meds. Came home to the usual last night and I really don't care. This is the priority I need to deal with right now.
Not dealing with anyone else. Have to put things in perspective, she is my number one priority.
Now just have to work on the SIL and get him straightened out. Not putting up with drinking all day all week. I like to have a drink but you cant be useful if you are hammered all day. He worked for 3 days on my daughters car and got no where. I took it to the shop and 10 minutes was fixed..... Can't turn a wrench with a beer in your hand.
TG, cut them loose. You've hosted their dysfunction long enough for them to regroup and take a fresh crack at independence IF they wanted to. But they don't want to. Every day is living proof.
Every day is also living proof that they can mop the floor with you and suffer no consequences. When will that change? When you change it. You.
Your house, your guest list. It's time for them to grow the f--k up and take their sorry drama someplace else. Give them a deadline and schedule the moving van.
Their marriage has little chance of surviving. I don't see any hint of SIL wanting to take control of his addiction and/or engaging enough self-discipline to direct his paycheck toward an independent lifestyle.
As for women with baby fever, it always ends one way: with a baby. Regardless of how useless the bio dad is.
We are done, my daughter is done. My wife stated to him she may have a stroke over this as her BP was up. Both of us dealt with this as children with our sibling. I am not going to deal with this in my home. Luckily my dad was not home to listen to all this. Don't need more input of miss-info getting out to family.
To be the sandwich generation.