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When you are the only caregiver and live in the same house as the person you're taking care of, it is in a sense a kind of slavery. You are chained to the situation and your life is not your own anymore. Even the smallest every day things like going to the grocery store have to be planned in advance with arrangements made so you can go for an hour. Then add the total ingratitude of the person you're caring for, which is also very common. The often abusive and negative behavior that the person being cared for develops over time, and the two-cents offered from everyone you know about how you can be doing a better job. Then add the guilt we put on ourselves for feeling resentment. Someone on this forum said that when a caregiver is feeling resentment it is because they're giving too much of themselves. That is the God's honest truth right there.
You are giving too much and it's time for outside help to take over some of the caregiving burden. And it is a burden even if people say otherwise. Let paid caregivers take some of this burden from you.
I care for my husband to and yes, sadly hate it. Lets be honest. It's like it was also me what you said. Nothing wrong with my husbands mind either, however he still acts more like a baby instead of a man and I get so frustrated. I get mad at him because I feel he doesn't care about my happiness. It has always been about him. I have a attitude with him to . I get upset for many reasons, that he doesn't seem to care about talking to me is one, about our life now, and remember, their is nothing mentally wrong with him. It's normal for us to get frustrated . We have to take care of our loved one And take care of everything else in the house to. LIke I read here, get some help at home if you can afford a day or two a week. Take care Sylvia
God bless you.
I felt overwhelmed with my mother's care. It wasn't hate as much as I just wanted to run away from home, the responsibility was so daunting. And I absolutely did hate my sister for not helping. I definitely had my moments of being less than patient, but mostly with my own family and not with my mom.
I lost my mom almost a year ago and can honestly say I am so glad I did care for her. I wasn't perfect but I tried my best and I know my mother was grateful and forgave my imperfections. I miss her more than words can say, but am glad I did what I did. The weirdest thing is I even miss the hard days. Not everyone feels that way though. It was incredibly difficult to care for her. I knew that at the time but looking back, I wonder how I did it at all.
My sister (same one I hated, but still love!) once told me feelings are just feelings - not good or bad or worthy or not. You just have to honor the honest feeling and go from there.
Hang in there. Get some help or a break if you can and give yourself some grace.
I'm a live in, full time caregiver. Recognizing the person I care for has a mental disease helps a lot. This person would have conducted themselves sooo differently when they were not ill. Even still, my mind is sharp, so dealing with a person who struggles with pretty much every simple task is very taxing on my emotional health. This is when the Biblical saying "Patience is a Virtue" comes in.
Learn your limits and if you're feeling "snarky" or frustrated find a way to walk away. Also; if there is nothing wrong with your husbands mind then he is going to pick up on your emotions. Be honest with him (it's more respectful) and tell him you are walking away because your attitude sucks. You might do this 10x a day or 100 but try and come back with a "fresh start" to each situation. Best Wishes!
Been there, done that. My husband still had his mind but was bedfast with last stages of colon cancer. I had him put in hospital for a week to give me a week of respite I didn't visit but would call him everyday. When n he passed I slept for a week. But I never lost my temper with him. We took vows to be there in sickness and in health. You can not be the best caretaker of you don't take care of yourself.
Seeing that there are caregivers with far worse situations than mine, helped me to be more grateful.
If possible, try to get someone else to be his caregiver, so that you can be his wife, again.
It takes certain qualities and understanding to be a caregiver. My mother was a great business woman but caregiver -not so much, so she did not expect us to drop everything and take care of her personally. My wife freely admits she could not do that on a daily basis even though she is a medical professional. We were
fortunate to have people and relatives who were willing to take their time to help with the extra work required. My mother and mother in law were not ill with any disease, just frail and needed help to do the routine duties of living. There might be the ocassional forgetfulness or confusion; but not a lot. My point is "do not feel bad that you are not wired to handle that kind of committment".
I truly applaud your honesty. Do not force yourself to do something that you hate. That doesn’t help in any way, shape or form. It will only magnify the agony for you and your husband.
Everyone has a unique experience, therefore no one has fully walked in your shoes.
We may experience something similar but it certainly is not a mirror image.
You are entitled to your feelings about your life.
You don’t even owe anyone an explanation as to why you feel like you do, nor do you owe anyone any form of an apology for your feelings.
I was a caregiver to my mom with Parkinson’s disease for 20 years! 15 years were in my home. Let me say that it absolutely becomes a huge burden and it changes family dynamics in every way, and not in a positive way.
I could scream when I hear, “What doesn’t kill us will make us stronger.” PLEASE! Very often it breaks us, and although when all is said and done, we can and do heal, we never forget the misery.
Take care, dear lady. I wish you peace and joy now and when your caregiver journey ends.
she has been this way for 4 years now, but living under my roof 30 years. But I am now grateful she is unable to stand or walk because before this I had to constantly watch her so she wouldn’t fall, and if I had an errand I had to bring her everyplace I had to go. So I landed up canceling my appointments till my husband could be home. Now she stays in her recliner and knows and doesn’t try to get up. But every morning I hate getting out of bed because I have to take her out of bed change her diaper dress her feed her, to someone who doesn’t know where she is and wants to go home to her mother!
I've been caring for my husband for going on 6 years, painfully seeing PD and dementia take over his body and mind. I too hate to get up each day, knowing that the day has nothing to offer but stress; I can't sleep in and get up when I want to - my husband needs help with showering and dressing (he has urinary incontinence and sometimes BM accidents - I think that's the part I hate most. I can't leave him alone (a fall and wandering risk) so I can't just leave the house and go to the grocery store for example. I've wished myself to die at times - it's very overwhelming. It's like caring for a 200 lb toddler. But on the plus side, he is pleasant and appreciative, and my soulmate. I do have a caregiver service for 2 afternoons and that's a godsend (although it's mostly errands, but sometimes a chance to go to the park and watch the ducks!). However, he doesn't want me to leave him even for that short time - he's very needy that way. But, bottom line is that I love him dearly. I think I've reconciled that this is my life for the foreseeable future. He's a very caring person and would take care of me if the situation were reversed.
Take time for yourself - to reenergize after a stressful day (once he's in bed, I have my alone time).
All the best!
I have more of an attitude time with my spouse (who isn't in care) who complains about my attitude and mouth, but having lived with him for more than 25 yrs is it my reflecting his attitude and mouth towards me. I know that isn't a good reason and I hate when it gets to that point and constantly ask forgiveness. I pray to God to give me patience, but I'm afraid I'm asking multiple times a week.
I imagine you are tired. You don't say how long you've cared for your husband. It sounds as if you need a break to recharge your batteries. Is there children or other family that can give you a break. Can you afford to hire someone a couple times a week so you can run errands, take a walk, soak in the tub, just sit quietly for a while and escape into a book.
We all have our shortcomings, my prayers go out to each an everyone of you and I ask for yours.
I will pray for you to find guidance in the care of your husband. I also hope that you get support for what you are going through. You can contact your health care provider to have a virtual or phone call to provide help that you need at this time. I suggest you make it a point to call asap so that help can be given to you. Love has many challenges and you are facing a big one right now. God bless you and your husband.
Countries like China are way ahead of America. They have a better healthcare system, they pay for you to care for your elderly parents, and it's expected that you do so. In America, you are expected to care for your elderly parents with no incentive whatsoever. The cost falls on your time on this planet, and you really have to love them to sacrifice something that they never had to sacrifice when they were younger. I expect later generations to be more grateful since we know what it's like to be a caregiver. Unfortunately, we're the first generation to have to do such a thing, so our parents and such can come off as ungrateful. It's a very complicated and debated situation.
Hahaha... that's a funny joke.
Are you here to spread Chinese Communist propaganda? Sounds like it.
A quick and easy internet search will reveal many news articles about aging in China.
There are more and more 4-2-1 families in China. Those numbers mean 2 adults supporting 4 aging/sick parents and 1 child. Fun.
China has more seniors than any country in the world, 255 millions seniors in 2020, that is 17% of the population. Imagine the healthcare costs in the billions and trillions.
Chinese government aimed to cut costs so they established preferred and essential drug list. Pray that prescribed drugs are on this list.
There is a shortage of medical care workers because there are way more seniors (255 millions and rising.) This translates to substandard care, less access and overcrowded hospitals.
Yes, it's so much better in China. Not.
Consider getting in some part time help
And taking better care of yourself
Dr Christophers herbal Relax Eze caps are really helping me. Inexpensive & available on Amazon. Plus pushing in half a gallon of distilled water, and going for a 30 for 40 min walk each day. Healthier body, healthier mind, more emotional stability (most times :)
One day your husband will be on the other side
Your loyalty & love for each other will be what you remember, not the stupid things you/he said under difficult circumstances
Take good care of yourself.
A big warm hug and positive thoughts to you
It's just that sometimes I just want to scream!!
I hope you can find the strngth to get through this tough time...maybe once everything opens again, you can get someone to give you a few hours to yourself
I pray that God, our Father and Creator will care for you and your husband and give you the strength to deal with your trials. I pray that Jesus, His Son, our Savior will be a constant and compassionate presence at your side. I pray the the Holy Spirit will give you wisdom, counsel, fortitude and knowledge, and help you grow in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.