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Having said that, if your mother's dementia makes her unable to comprehend the situation then there is some humanity in your father's wishing not to involve her; and his refusal to engage in treatment options also makes more sense, though in a fairly chilling way.
What you are free to do at any time is report *to* his doctors even if you are barred from getting information *from* them. For example - he's been your mother's primary caregiver for some time, then, has he? Is it possible that this is an "easy" way out for him?
I do my due diligence to my parent and wanted to try to get him the best treatment available especially since we live in San Francisco and have UCSF and Stanford close by to offer the latest treatments, both approved and in clinical trial.
I will respect the HIPAA laws and just let him continue his way then
How is your mother coping?
(I wouldn't be private at all. I'd be posting about my health journey on FaceBook! But I am not your father. We are each entitled to our own decisions about such matters.)
What would you do if you knew about his diagnosis? Would you try to influence his actions? ("You have to take these pills, Dad") Would you research it and share all kinds of information downloaded from the Web with him? Perhaps that is exactly what he is trying to prevent. He wants to do things his way. Unless he has been declared incompetent by a court, he has that right. Americans (and I'm sure many other cultures) take individual freedom very, very seriously, and it is accordingly very hard to deprive someone of that. Dad gets to decide who he tells what.
I suggest you treat him as an 89 yo man with very serious health problems. Be extra patient with him (short of accepting abuse), and do with him things on your do-with-Dad bucket list. Ask him about his youth. Go over old photo albums with him. Take him out for ice cream at a fancy place. At 89 with health problems you can be pretty sure he is not going to be around much longer, whether you know his specific diagnosis or not. Take advantage of the time you have left.
You don't need to talk to his doctors to behave as a loving daughter.