Anyone out there dealing with elderly parents and arguing SIL, BIL and their rude, immature, entitled son living at home age 28?

This probably isn’t helpful, but anecdotally I want to share that a bunch of friends and I did our own informal poll, and agreed across the board on the 3 night/ 4 day family visit limit. As in, all of us could go as far as 3 nights and 4 days with family, and that would go well enough, but by the 4th night we’d feel crazy!! Didn’t matter if the family dynamics were all right, either. We’d all hit the wall.

So three weeks - definitely no! Save your sanity.

I also have a blazing case of ADHD ( it’s the family hereditary ‘gift’ lol ) and can attest there’s absolutely zero excuse to use that to justify being a jerk, or to foist adhd problems onto other people to solve. And nowadays there’s so much more information and tools available for adhd. Everyone has SOMETHING, it’s up to us individuals to make a best effort dealing with the hand we’ve been dealt. I’d recommend avoiding that nephew entirely.

Wishing you well…

Pjdela,
Thank you for your responses below to OUR responses. More information helps.
In your responses you basically tell us that currently BIL and SIL are helping your husband's family, and that they already have problems, among them a problematic son. And you tell us things are becoming all too much for them.

You then tell us that you and hubby are considering moving because you "want to move anyway" near to them, and are considering "helping them" but that you have issues with a whole lot of problems there, and with the 28 year old son who lives with BIL and SIL.

So given what you added, my advice is the same. Not your circus. Not your monkeys. Stay out of it. And if you are planning a move, make it in the other direction.
I fail to see just what would be helped by your moving into this problem when you already know that longeivity is to live to 100 for these folks. You already know you disagree with BIL and SIL in general, even as to how they handle their son (again, that's just their business). Can you imagine you will agree on how they handle the parents?

If this is truly how you want to spend your retirement, by jumping into this frying pan, I would do it with realistic expectations.
And realistically I think that you would be adding only more problems to what is already fairly chaotic sounding. Just my guess.

As I always tell folks here, we are all grownups. We have now to make our own choices for what is best for our own families and ourselves. I can only wish you the very best of luck no matter what you try. To me, everything about this situation just SHOUTS "stay away". That's just me. I can only advise you as I feel. I hope it goes well for you if you assume any part of this burden.

My grandson has ADHD and does not act like this spoiled brat. Don't use ADHD as an excuse for this nephews rudeness. Has nothing to do with being able to hold down a job. My grandson just turned 30. He has worked since he graduated from High School in warehousing. He lives on his own, has a car and pays his bills. There is medication for ADAD. There are classes in how to deal with certain aspects. One problem is the ability to concentrate, this is where the meds come in. My nephew has been medicated for it. Impulse is a problem, but no one I know who suffers from it is rude. Your husbands nephew is spoiled.

The tip, I would not have given this waiter a good tip either. When FIL asked for help, because of his hearing, I would have taken the check and figured the tip out for him. (15% is actually a decent tip. I may have given him less)

The SIL is not responsible to look in on her husbands Aunt. Seems she has enough on her plate. Your BIL should do it for his parents.

DH is POA and he needs to understand what this entails. He is not "in charge" until his parents are incompetent. He can help when asked. But its a tool not a control. You are going to need to discuss how to handle the nephew. Again ADHD is not an excuse when ur an adult. You may just need to learn how to ignore him. Look up "gray rock" method it may be something you can use. Seems he doesn't know how to show respect. You just walk away. You do not argue with people like this.

Caring for husbands parents will take a chunk out of your life. Never move in together. If they have money, hire the aides, the lawn guy. Take advantage of resources out there. Being POA does not mean you do the hands on caring. BIL can help too. If in-laws need hands on care, that means an AL, MC or LTC. Not you doing it all. Have this all worked out before ur move. Your marriage comes first.

I think Hothouse gave an appropriate response earlier in the thread when she said that she would ‘become sick’ in order not to visit their home.

Honestly, your in laws sound dreadful. My MIL was a wonderful woman. Her mother was a witch! She was so awful that everyone stopped visiting her.

Sadly, my husband’s grandmother died completely alone. She drove everyone away except her caregivers.

I think the only reason the caregivers didn’t leave was because my mother in law used her mother’s money to pay the caregivers a lot more money than the going rate.

Stay home and let your husband deal with his dysfunctional family. Best wishes to you.

Bless your heart Pdela, your families have a lot of family stresses going on.
Your BIL and SIL especially have their hands full.

I have always wondered how well things went when people do big family gatherings in a restaurant on a major holiday. Sounds like it wasn't the greatest experience.

In regards to your husband's nephew, we parents of adult children with mental struggles need a lot of unspoken support. People who aren't in our situation rarely understand what is best for our children. We are doing the best we can to help them determine and move forward on their path.

A good analogy - many years ago someone in a grocery store line, told me my son was too old for diapers. We are very tall people, my son was only a year old when this "helpful" observation was offered by a caring stranger. I responded with a smile, that my son may be too big, but at 12 months, he is not too old for diapers.

Good luck with your retirement decisions. Teamwork is tricky.

Clearer picture now.

Your husband is his parents' POA. He (and you?) plan to move closer to parents in the next year to help his parents "age in place".

Parents currently reject the idea of hired help, Assisted Living. They are critical of their child (BIL) when he helps and also don't want SIL tossing outdated food.

Nephew (possibly a bit disabled/emotionally immature/disturbed/autistic) gets on your nerves.

Advice? Ignore nephew. Do not engage with him when/if he stirs the pot. Hard to do, but really the only logical path.

Do not move in with parents, nor move them in with you.

As long as they are competent, they get to make their own bad choices. Your husband can decide how much and what kind of "help" he can/will offer. Keep in mind that their bad choices don't mean you all "have" to do anything.

If FIL makes a mess and MIL complains, the response needs to be "who can we hire next time to make sure that doesn't happen", not "I'll be by right over to sort that out.".

Read "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud.

Isn't your husband's newphew your nephew too?

Unless you or someone close to you has ADHD it can be hard to realise the effects this can have. How it can change an expexted tradjectory of study, work & adult life. A person has their struggles - then on top must deal with other's judemental attitudes they are badly behaved, lazy or immature.

I am so very lucky my own siblings & inlaws have accepted my children. Not always understood & never given free passes to behave badly, but accepted their differences.

I too have been so very lucky to have met accepting people & for modern technology, as spellcheck corrects all my dyslexic spelling errors!

Honestly, if you really dislike visiting these peiple so much. Don't go.

Struggling with getting along with difficult people is a normal human situation. Seeking advice for that & sharing tips with others can be very helpful.

However listing reams of other people's faults is not helpful on it's own.

In fact, putting others down to build ourself up is always something to be aware of - to catch ourselves at & avoid.

The posts & comments here have a flavour of anger all through. Maybe look & ask yourself - are you angry? Angry at your in-laws? If so, why?

I shared the information here to vent.
I do not tell these people what I think about their situations or make comments to them about what they should do with their lives. I know what I shared on this forum because they tell us. I try to stay out of conflict and on good terms. I am not a person who likes discord and arguing.
I was upset over being verbally attacked by my husband's immature nephew (this wasn't the first time). What his grandfather chose to tip wasn't his business either.
My BIL does not look in on his parents much because he gets criticized a lot when he visits. I can understand his not wanting to visit much. My parents in law's living situation is becoming more precarious. My MIL fell early this summer necessitating a rehab stay in which FIL was home alone. He made a mess of the kitchen trying to cook for himself and that was waiting for MIL upon her return home. FIL insisted he could manage with no help. SIL came over to help a few times and decided MIL needed her pantry, fridge etc...gone through and old stuff tossed. MIL was very upset over that being done unbeknownst to her. They refused to get any caregivers in to help for a bit during MIL's rehab stay and further recuperation time at home.
My husband is retiring in about 9 months and considering a move to be here to help his parents. We were planning on relocating somewhere else anyway as we don't wish to stay where we are. His brother and the SIL have their hands full. They are both still working full time and SIL's parents are in poor health. Her parents are also living in their own 3 story home. She drives an hour each way every Sunday to shop and prep food for the week for them and schedules full time caregivers for her mother who has ataxia and is debilitated by a stroke. Her 2 brothers help with finances and medical. SIL also was looking out for my FIL's 95 year old sister in the nursing home where my SIL worked in admissions. She was fired when a new company bought it out and now will not return to the facility to look in on the aunt nor will my BIL. This means my MIL and FIL have to make more frequent visits. Their driving is marginal. FIL insists he will not move to assisted living and will live in his house til he dies. He has some health problems and now some memory loss. MIL is trying to manage him at home and is going downhill under the stress and frustration.
My SIL's mother had to have an ambulance called on Christmas Eve and went to the emergency room. SIL found out when she got a call while we were exchanging xmas gifts after the "fun" we had at dinner. 2 other of my SIL's family members also ended up in the hospital right before that. She and my BIL cannot be expected to manage all these elderly by themselves and still maintain full time jobs.
Mu husband plans on the move to help his parents being temporary. I told my husband it will be hard to extract yourself from the situation once you have moved here. We are in our mid 60s. His family have all been very long-lived---to a hundred or very close to it.
I appreciate the responses from those of you who have commented. Some of you have said to mind my own business. Fair enough. I am trying but have to be in these people's lives because they are my husband's family and he is not writing them off. He has been made POA for his parents. He is less bothered by the family dynamics because he grew up with it and most of it he manages to ignore. He supported me with my Mom and Dad and I am trying to be supportive of him now that it is his turn to help his elderly parents.

Why are you staying for 3 weeks?

If I were married into a family that over-shared information and appeared to have no boundaries, I would keep my distance (physically, emotionally and socially) and think of myself as either an "anthropologist on Mars" or an observer of a newly discovered species of caterpillar. Interesting, but not for me to interfere with or be bothered by.

There is a lot going on here that I did not mention at the time I originally posted. My 93 year old FIL and 87 year old MIL live alone in their own home. The BIL/SIL live in their own home with their 28 year old son. The reason I mentioned that he lives with them is because at his age he could be independent. He started an augument at dinner at the asian restaurant FIL/MIL were treating us all to on Xmas Eve. This is the way my inlaws celebrate xmas eve every year. Some years my husband and I have not been able to visit at Xmas. The nephew has adhd and has struggled in school previously, eventually graduating from community college. He has held a few different jobs. This past summer he got with his Dad's help a good job with a major company, the same one his Dad works for. He does not pay his parents any rent or contribute financially to the household. He can do no wrong in his mother's eyes and she defends whatever he does. She has already stated he will be taking care of her in her old age (and not her daughter who has the good sense to live a couple hours away).
The latest argument started over the tip for our waiter. The restaurant got crowded after we arrived for our early dinner reservation. We placed our orders. We received our entrees before our appetizer, then all of us got our soups. My husband waited at least 30 minutes longer than the rest of us for his food. We had finished our dinners for the most part when he got his. We still hadn't gotten our appetizers at that point so we cancelled our orders for them. We were never offered hot teas or sauces or condiments by our waiter who stood at the end of the table and had us pass down the food to each other despite access to the table on both sides. He never offered refills of our waters. The food itself was pretty good.
When we received the bill, my 93 year old FIL who is very hard of hearing despite hearing aids, asked for help figuring the total. I asked him what percent tip he wanted to leave so I could do the math and tell him the total. He was having a hard time understanding due to background noise so I had to loudly inquire what percentage tip he wanted to leave. He didn't think the service warranted 20% and decided to leave 15%. At this, the nephew at the other end of the table who had only overheard part of the conversation, got angry and vehemently expressed his opinion that it wasn't enough and started haranging his grandfather to tip more. FIL couldn't really hear him so I said he didn't think the service was that great. Nephew then turned on me and accused me of being the reason for the low tip, saying that I told my FIL how much to tip! I had not and said so, at which point the nephew said he heard me. No he hadn't because he did not hear the entire conversation. Anyway, he continued to berate us, so I said it wasn't his decision as he was not paying for the dinner. He said I wasn't either. MIL, sitting between him and FIL, suggested to him that if he didn't think the tip was enough, he was welcome to leave something in addition. Of course THAT didn't happen. His mother started in defending nephew's opinion. He demanded the keys to his parents car and left the table.
The entire family is loud and overly involved in each other's business. My FIL and MIL have always been nice to me and I them. We make a point to try to get along. They are generous and the nephew is often treated by them, and FIL established (upon birth and still maintains) a brokerage brokerage account for him that he hopes nephew will take over and maintain for himself for his retirement one day. You would think he could reciprocate by contributing to the tip or heaven forbid, treating his grandparents for xmas eve since he is now making a good salary with few expenses.

I am assuming because your profile says your Mom has passed, these are your husband's parents? Can I assume too that this is an overseas trip so the need for 3 weeks, to make spending the money worthwhile?

I have found the older I have gotten the more I like staying in a hotel and just visiting. Is that possible. Do all these people live together? Then I definitely will stay in hotel.

Well, you survive in this way.
1. Three weeks is too long. If you can make it two, then do so.
2. Be certain not to stay with them. If you need a day off here and there, take it for yourself. A nice visiting the sites and dinner and motel for you.
3. You don't engage in argument. They are the caregivers. Give no input yourself. Where their son lives to be honest isn't really your business. Don't make it so. You will have eough on your plate.
4. When any argument occurs, excuse yourselves at once and have a nice rest of your day.

I am assuming that SIL and BIL are in care of this elder.
So number 5. may just be to appreciate them for all they are doing and recognize that your visit there is likely more overwhelming for them than yours to them is for you.

Try to make this enjoyable for the sake of you and your hubby, and on you go. Good luck. Hope you will update us.

Can you stay off-site nearby? You don't have to give them a reason, except that it's your preference.

Why do you have to stay so long? Are you there to provide temporary care for your parents? Is this the parents home or the SIL/BIL's home? Regardless, stay offsite or choose to shorten your trip.

Me, I wouldn't go, I am not into self-torture. If you are doing this for a spouse, I would say this person has their priorities mixed up.

I am a blunt type of person, get right to the point. I would be honest and say, "I cannot take all the drama" or whatever the reason may be.

Possibly do a week but that would be about it.

Good Luck!

You suddenly come down with the FLU and simply DON'T GO THERE TO VISIT.

Spend 3 weeks staying home and relaxing, go to some movies, catch up on things.
Life is too short for such torture.

Why would you visit them at all? We never have to be with family members we don’t like. Set up a Zoom visit. Tell them you’ve decided to stay home because there’s way too much sickness out there. (True.) Make plans to be with other people during the holidays.

If you’re doing this visit to please your spouse, rethink it. A spouse who really cares about you wouldn’t subject you to people that awful.