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Thank you. ::hugs::
Your father-in-law is lucky to have you and your husband. I find it hard being the good one, the responsible one, the dutiful one in the family. Like the others have said its only natural to have moments of anger and guilt.
There is a lot of sacrifice involved and its not easy. There is a feeling of being trapped in the day to day care. Of course, we love that person and want to help them but sometimes the daily challenges can overwhelm.
As Jeanne said, do what you feel is right. And if you need a break, take the break.
Always know you are entitled to your feelings. Lots of great information and support here.
As for hospice, he apparently doesn't qualify yet, because he's trying immunotherapy. But yes, the minute he qualifies, I'll be calling hospice!
It helped me a lot to recognize the source of the anger. I was almost never angry at my husband (even though I sometimes directed it at him.) I was angry at the disease, angry that it struck our household, angry at fate or destiny or random acts of the universe. When I directed my anger at my husband I did feel guilty. None of this was his fault. So I apologized. "Sweetie, I am so sorry I yelled at you. I know this problem is not your fault at all. I'm really angry at the disease, not at you. It wasn't right to yell at you and I am sorry." That helped me dispel the guilt, and it helped reassure him.
Respite is absolutely critical for caregivers. You do need to get away regularly. But I can also understand not wanting to leave him if he is in end stage. Hospice offered me a respite period (5 days, I think). I turned it down. Respite was very needed during his long illness, but I wanted to be with him at the end.
If that is how you feel about staying with your FIL at this time, plan your respite and defer it. You had this lovely trip planned. Save the plans, and take the trip later. Just because it isn't on the exact date you married doesn't make it less of a celebration.
You had to miss a play you wanted to see? When the caregiving is done, buy a season ticket and see all the plays!
It would be better if you could have some respite as you go along, but I can understand that might not be relaxing for you with FIL in end stage. Do what feels right.
Is FIL on hospice care? That can be very helpful in helping you understand what is going on.
The trip was a cruise, so it's not something we could cancel last minute, and my husband was worried that Dad would pass away while we were gone, and also, yeah, kind of hard to enjoy a trip like that, knowing Dad was at home, dying. I couldn't do that, nor could my husband. When we booked the trip, we knew Dad was frail and not in great health, but it was before the cancer diagnosis.
It's OK to feel what you feel. IS there someone you trust to come take care of FIL while you get away? I know with 5 kids, we never went anywhere, ever. It took a toll on our marriage, now we're empty nesters, we don't know what to do.
WHY did you have to cancel? Is he now entering EOL care and you have to be there b/c you care for him and no one else can, or b/c he doesn't want you to go, or b/c you don't feel like you can leave him?
One thing I learned: when making plans for those rare nights out or a special trip..PLAN that there will be an emergency that will halt it all. Can you still go, for at least part of the time--or is it a "all inclusive" thing.
You are NOT selfish to be angry about missing your trip, It's not selfish to want to have some fun. It's NORMAL.
Try to see if you can work out some alternate plans for FIL. He knows you love him---that's what matters. There must be some kind of interim help you can hire--or other family members.
Good Luck---and take a deep breath!!