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My dad started having dementia symptoms over 5 years ago. They moved to a senior apartment a mile from my house. Mom helped with Dad...at first. Then about 2 years ago mom got a dementia diagnosis as well.
I miss having my mom as an ally in caring for my Dad. Now they both gang up on me..where is the car? Why cant we go back to the house? They think the others at the memory care are worse off then them because they use walkers. (Even tho my Dad uses a walker and a cane)
Just today my mom said she was so glad her and my Dad are healthy and still have there mental ability. Then a few minutes later asks if i have heard from her deceased brother...today was a rough visit.
Mom lost her ability to see my Dads dementia like she did a few years ago...dealing with both together is a real challenge.
Its caregiving squared...lol.
They now live 3 doors down from us, and we've cobbled together our own DIY version of assisted living. It's working, so far. We feel they are safe and being well cared for. Our teenaged son drives her back and forth to dialysis each week and does their lawn maintenance. We hired a companion to take them to run errands and out to eat 2 days a week. We hired a service to come in each morning to help with morning routines, personal hygiene, breakfast, and light housekeeping. The maid comes every other week. I handle meds, finances, and FIL's medical appts. Husband is in charge of his Mom's medical appts, oversees home/auto maintenance, and makes any big decisions.
It's not easy, but we're in a good routine that's working for all of us. This would be almost impossible to manage if they still lived hours away. Moving them from their hometown was NOT ideal. They miss it. But in Reality Land, my husband couldn't keep taking time off from work to run back and forth three states away every time there was a crisis.
My heart goes out to you, MAFlatt. It sounds as if your Mom is no longer capable of being your Dad's primary caregiver. You're probably going to have to figure out how to take more control of directing their care -- whether that's moving them closer to you or monitoring from afar. Either way, your Mom needs more support. Listen to the staff at their facility. They are telling you that your parents need a higher level of care.
Since the accident with the beans, they both have declined mentality. She gets confused and says the strangest things. (as does he) The two of them get into yelling matches on a daily basis. I feel like I'm taking care of 2 year olds!
Finding this website has been a life saver for me!! I am not alone in the struggles of a caregiver.
He drives to our house, takes him an hour as he takes the back roads, once or twice a week. We do not like him driving, my husband offers to pick him up and drop him off, but he declines. His daughter comes from out of state once every six weeks. She says his driving is still fine.
We also care for my mother in law. She lives a block away from us. We check on her twice a day. We take her shopping, to doctors, etc. She doesn't speak much English and can not drive.
My dad passed away years ago, but I still check in on my step mom too. She is still very independent so I just check on her once a week. She lives 2 hours away, but has no children so there is only me and her niece that check on her.
Add all the elders to the mix with adult children and the grandchildren and we have very busy lives....but I wouldn't change it! I love having such a close family.
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