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I once spoke to a deacon in the Catholic church who told me he prayed daily for his mother with dementia to die and to be with God. That very day I began the same prayer for my mother who was also out of her mind with dementia and begging to see her deceased mother, father and siblings. It was horrible to witness her decline.
We all love our mothers, and with that in mind, we should want to see their misery come to an end. Pray for THAT miracle to happen rather than an impossible and awful one to take place instead. Let mom eat whatever she wants and get some enjoyment during her end of life journey.
Rely on your faith now and know that God is with you and mom now and always.
That being said - sometimes the miracle can't or doesn't happen here on Earth. God has blessed us with so many doctors and so much knowledge on how to heal the human body. But there are still some things that we cannot fix here on Earth. Sometimes the only freedom from disease is to pass to God's hands and enjoy that new body and complete healing.
I know how hard that is. My dad passed 7 years ago and he had a "curable" cancer. The problem - the "cure" was so bad that his quality of life would have dropped to almost nothing - and 'if" it worked it could have been several years of living in excruciating, unending pain - to get maybe a 1/3 of his quality of life back. My dad made the choice that he didn't want to continue suffering even more than he already was - just for possibility of some improvement and continuing to suffer more the rest of his life. The doctors gave him a year. He was with us less than 3 months. But that 3 months was peaceful, his pain was managed, and we all got to spend time with him - letting him know how much he was loved.
Losing someone you love is hard. My grandmother has stopped eating and drinking much lately. We can see what's coming. She doesn't want to eat. We can't force her. So the inevitable is coming.
You are grieving. It often feels like guilt - but you have nothing to feel guilty about. The human body has so very much capacity. But it has its limits. Doctors had learned how to cure so many physical ailments. But the brain is new territory and there is little to be done to fix dementia. As dementia progresses - it gets harder for the person it impacts. But also for those around them.
I think sometimes our body's know before our brains do. And sometimes for those of us watching - we think we can hold death off. But sometimes reassuring the person that they are loved, that we will be ok without them, is the best way to ease their pain.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Why do you feel guilty. You did not cause her dementia. We all do our best and may fall short but we did enough. Yes, we may have lost patience but most of us are doing jobs we are not equipped for and with no help. We are all mortal. We are all going to pass. Its called life.
I think you should talk to your minister. If Mom is on Hospice, they should have a minister affilated with them. Also, grief counceling.
She was really only in the throes of dementia for the final 6 months of her life but I would never wish that on anyone or their family members. My mom caught mild COVID in early November but ended up with severe Covid delirium. By the end of November, she had done a deep dive into dementia and lost her ability to walk, was incontinent and had difficulty swallowing. She remained in a complex medical setting until the middle of February and once the hospital staff had determined she was not improving and nothing more could be done, she was placed in a nursing home. I spent every day with her and some days she appeared fairly lucid and other days, she struggled to remember my name. She was never aware that she couldn’t walk anymore and so when she told me she had been out walking or swimming she truly believed it. I praise God for this. She never fully realized how incapacitated she was.
I cried every night driving home from either the hospital or the nursing home and my prayers as I drove home and before I went to bed were to “Please God, end my mother and my family’s suffering”. My prayers were answered on Good Friday. My mom went by ambulance to the hospital and she suffered a brain seizure. By Easter Sunday, she was placed in Palliative Care and on the following Friday, she died.
I mourn the passing of my mom and I felt some “guilt” for asking God to end all of our suffering but since reading the forum discussions here, I realize two very important facts: 1.) it’s not guilt I feel, it is grief and 2.) I am very blessed for both having my mom as my mom and for God so kindly and lovingly answering my prayers.
I am truly sorry for so many on this forum who have dealt with a loved one’s dementia for several years. It is a devastating experience to observe/live.
I wish peace for you as you continue along this journey with your mom. God bless everyone on this forum! “There go I but for the Grace of God”.
As a Christian you know that part of living is dying and you live the best life that you can so that you CAN reach Heaven.
Rather than guilt you feel sadness, grief, remorse and all the other emotions that go with life. But guilt is not or should not be one of them.
Obviously your mom did a very good job raising you and she was a good mom. (I read so many posts here and not everyone is so lucky, YOU can thank God for that)
Your mom will always be with you. She will be that voice in the back of your head when you wonder what to do.
She will be with you when you fix "her" stuffing at the next holiday.
Tell your mom thank you for everything she has done for you and taught you and tell her that you will miss her. And tell her it is ok to go "home". As a Christian you know that is what we are put here on earth for.
I remember very clearly sitting next to my Husbands bed about the week he died.
I sat often with him and talked and I told him I would be alright and I was crying. Then it suddenly hit me.
My tears were selfish ones.
I was going to lose him...
I was the one being left...
I was sad....
It was all ME, ME, ME...
He had been surviving, I do not want to say living because dementia is no way to live, for 12 years. This is not the smiling, happy, intelligent man I met and married so many years ago. This was a shell. He would not have wanted to live this way if he had had a choice.
That thought changed my way of thinking.
Oh it hurt when he died. I thought I was prepared but it felt as though someone had ripped my heart from my chest.
He was free.
Let your mom go free.
🙏🙏
I have to add this...If you do not have Hospice helping you now please call one and get mom on Hospice you will get support that you will need.
John 14:6 says....Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."
And Romans 10: 9-10 says... "If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved."
NO WHERE in the Bible does it say that you can only get to heaven if you are good enough. as we are not perfect thus we will never be good enough.
Instead it says in Ephesians 2: 8-9 " For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift of God, NOT BY WORKS,(my emphasis added) so that no one can boast."