By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
It is so difficult to help a sight impaired and hearing impaired person to enjoy life , I know from experience . I also know narcissist are the worst but I don't know your mum so I will simply address her physical issues :
Losing some of your senses must be a terrible and lonely affair , so like I do with Gilly , maybe if you make her environment rich in other ways she will feel better .
She can smell. How about a nice scent diffuser that changes scent ever so often . They're plug in and no danger to her . Some go into wall outlets directly and some are tabletop models .
My Gilly loves scented candles but he doesn't move much so they're no danger to him . A diffuser might work for your mom. What scent(s) would please her ?
Perfume or after bath creams might be nice .
She can touch, the fidget blanket is an excellent idea from a previous reply . Some have beads and zippers , Velcro badges etc .
Nice textured pillows and silky nightgown or pj sets . Just soft and comfortable clothing. Soft blankets and pillows . Velvet or faux fur .
Soff fluffy towels .
A nice fluffy rug under her feet.
Cosmetics or scented skin face cream to give her a beauty routine to adhere to .
She can taste . Treats and different flavours of cookies or cakes . Not sure if she can't have them but I know that food becomes very important to those who cannot see or hear . What are her meals like ? Can you have a " pizza day " or "fried chicken day "? Something to look foward to but again , not sure of her health concerns .
This one might seem crazy and please don't roast me but ...there are realistic robotic cat and puppy toys that purr, bark and move a bit like the real thing . She can't manage a pet but perhaps a facsimile will do .
There's a new one called Tombot, it's a puppy and sells for around $400 USD and you need to reserve your pup but it's worth a look at least ? You plug it in to charge at night and it has all day batteries they claim . Nuts sounding I know .
The cats , I've seen one called Ageless innovations Tabby cat on Roboshop selling for $ 109.89 USD. They're cute . (?)
They're really for anyone with memory issues but also loneliness so I suppose your mom qualifies as she needs something there to make her feel occupied.
That's all I can think of that doesn't require you to be there physically .
I know my list is kind of silly and I'm sorry if anything I've suggested is ridiculous but you have to try or at least consider anything at this point , right ?
Last on the list but first thing you should do , look after yourself .
I wish you good luck and self care.
L
My mother is 93, poor vision & hearing, and has Parkinson’s which causes her hands to tremor. She has hearing aids and I have them rechecked every 6 months since she continues to complain. But one thing I’ve realized is it’s not just hearing but processing that has caused trouble. She does hear, but it’s situational—when she’s tired or upset, she can’t process anything and interprets that as not hearing. Yet sometimes she can carry on a complete phone conversation if it’s someone very important to her. I know, though, that some of the processing may be impacted by the Parkinson’s. I do make a point to always speak loudly, slowly, and clearly—sometimes it works. I’ve gotten her very easy-to-use music players, headphones, wireless speaker I can crank up, and she has her favorite music on tapes & CDs—will not even let me play it for her.
She tells me she can’t see to read, but again, if someone sends her a text or link on her cell phone, she will read/watch. She has large-print books & Bible and Guidepost—just won’t make any effort.
I got her a big-screen TV, so she keeps news on all day (such a negative influence). She has all her favorite movies and movie collections on CD, but won’t let me play them for her—says she can’t stay awake. I assure her we can just restart from where she nodded off, but nope, won’t do it. She did, however, enjoy some Hallmark & Lifetime movies over the holidays, and even remembered how to record them.
She says she can’t smell or taste anything, so all the scented soaps & lotions have been a waste, yet she insists on bottled water because tap water “tastes bad,” and she complains about how terrible her meds taste. She asks me to buy certain foods that she’s hungry for but often complains how terrible it is not to taste anything.
I brought her into my home 11 months ago because we could no longer afford Assisted Living (although she continuously complained about that, too). She has always been a narcissist, done nothing for herself and always depended on her children to take care of her. Her needs have always come first and I can’t count the times she’s thrown her kids under the bus to get what she wanted. So I don’t expect her to be anything other than that now. I’ve found other ways to get my needs for love & acceptance met. Now I do for her what I am able to do because that speaks to who I am. I am kind to her, compassionate (what a lousy thing it must be to be as miserable as she is) and I know all of her responses to me are about who she is. I have always believed that as long as we are alive, we can grow and change, but it has to be a choice. She has not made that choice. It is sad to me, but I am not responsible for her emotional life. I am responsible for mine. I do what I can do—guilt has no place in my life. If we offer a parent a safe, healthy, loving environment and they are still bored or miserable, that’s their choice. It’s a cautionary tale that we won’t repeat when our children step up to help us.
Also, there are fidget blankets available on Amazon. They have snaps, buttons, zippers and other things to just mess with while the blanket is on her lap.
The most important thing, though, is to try to get her functioning hearing aids. The isolation caused by being unable to hear is just awful, and with the correct hearing aids, could be minimized. Take her to a real audiologist and get her evaluated and fitted for good hearing aids.
My mom enjoyed the talking books, they mostly sent her ones from the YA section of the collection and that was OK because she didn't want sex or violence.
Music. By the very end when there was nothing else possible mom enjoyed music, if you load the ipod perhaps the aides could help her get it started.
Maybe a simpler remote for the TV,
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01LY0FCQO?tag=aginginplaceorg-20&linkCode=ogi&th=1&psc=1
I'm coming back to add a rather discouraging thought; unfortunately sitting around waiting to die is very often what the last years are like even without a pandemic. While facility living can offer activities and companionship for some individuals in many cases the activities are too few and too banal and the friendships are transitory or completely nonexistent, especially for those with greater physical and/or cognitive deficits. It is what it is and unfortunately there are often no workable solutions.
I did take in an echo. All she had to do was say “Alexa play gospel music” or “daily sermon”. I also took in an iPad with one app-the bible. She is just not interested. Her expectation is that her kids will be there and do everything. But it’s just me.. even without the pandemic my brothers are not interested in seeing her. It’s understandable, she has always been pretty narcissistic. Incapable of true love and approval. As I am writing this I am thinking about my brothers advice to not let her suck the life out of me. “She will mess with your head”.
But...It’s my nature to go overboard in effort - but I honestly don’t expect my efforts to make her happy (?) just perhaps to alleviate any guilt. (Which begs the question-why do I have guilt?) maybe it’s more fear- LTC is a terrifying future. Not something I would wish on my worst enemy-even my mother. Which brings me full circle to providing her with as much creative outlet as I can. If she chooses not to use it then I am absolved of responsibility. But I am piling on her everything but the kitchen sink (=her kids 24/7 at her beck and call) when the kitchen sink is only thing she wants... hmm. Now I’m in a conundrum...
You sound JUST LIKE ME!! My mother is 101, deaf (has lost 1 hearing aid during COVID lockdown along with her partial plate), blind, pretty bad dementia. It's been so many years that I've lived my life with concerns for Mother the dominating factor. At this age, she has lost interest in the Commission for the Blind's Talking Books. That was a huge help for years, though. If you haven't tried that yet, you should look into it. I wish I could give you other suggestions, but I am tapped out. There just is nothing left. I can't even go to her rooms in her assisted living facility due to COVID restrictions, and can only visit once a week in an assigned room for COVID visits. So...Mother just sits there in an old chair that used to be "Dad's chair", which she took with her to AL. Either that, or she just sleeps. And sleeps. And sleeps. The worries have consumed me completely over the years. There just are no more alternatives. I hope you have better luck than I.
"...I would like her to be able to do something to occupy her mind..."
"...Her expectation is that her kids will be there and do everything. But it’s just me..."
"...I am piling on her everything but the kitchen sink..."
You seem to be trying to live her life for her or at least live your life such that she is fulfilled. You say she's not intellectually curious and yet you want her to be.
Your brothers have established healthy boundaries because they perceive that she is an energy vampire. The amount of energy you are putting into a woman who seems content with sitting in a chair all day far exceeds the amount of relief you will feel if she engages in something for a few minutes. And then what? Start all over again trying to find something to occupy her time 7 days a week?
Technology has its limits. Even going back to basics - taste and smell - has its limits insofar as there is only so much food she can eat and fragrances she can smell at a time. I agree with those who have pointed out that you need to find balance in your life. And you are correct that you have nothing for which to feel guilty. It's a hard thing to accept the way some people are in old age.
contact them at nlsbard.loc.gov