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Therefore, my suggestion is to simply ignore her accusations and carry on. If mentioning her memory triggers her, then don't mention her memory. You are not going to convince her of anything.
When my 97 year old mother would accuse me of taking her pocketbook or shoes or whatnot, I would break down in tears trying to convince her otherwise. Then one day I backed up and took a good hard look at her and something shifted inside of me. That was the last time her accusations made me cry.
Now? When she has an outburst at me, I try to find the humor in it.
Peace.
I personally cannot ignore it long myself. My patience is limited. I'm already doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, dishes, organizing the medical visits, driving them everywhere...while trying to be cheerful and not wack him with a 2x4.
When the ranting starts, I change the subject. Immediately.
When he refuses to shower, I tell them no breakfast or lunch until he does.
When he claims I'm stealing his money, I tell him to find somewhere else to live and he wont have to worry.
Basically DO NOT try to defend yourself. I've learned to ignore it. If that doesn't work, you need to consider moving them into a care facility of some kind. Start the hunt now, to figure out the costs and places. It's taken me 2 years to get close.
Alzheimers will only get worse, not better. Ask her doctor about some anti-anxiety meds, and tell her they are vitamins. It's not your fault she has Alz, you didn't cause it. It's a hard situation to deal with and I wish you luck.
I'm so sorry, I'm sure this is agony for you.
Your wife's brain is broke, you can't fix it.
You can't make her understand what her brain can't comprehend.
Just play around with different ways to respond and go with what works
Don't ask questions, she will not be able to understand, or answer and it will frustrate her .
Do not correct her, if she can't do something, there is no more being able to learn.
Find things that keep her busy, that she can do. folding towels is a good one, organizing the silverware draw. Busy work.
Best of luck, I'm so sorry for this, it's an awful deasses
There is no reasoning with a person that has Alzheimer's/dementia. So don't. When the asinine ranting and raving nonsense about you lying, stealing, or anything else tell them once or twice that they are mistaken. Then completely ignore them. Refuse to even acknowledge a word they say if it is in any way derogatory or accusatory towards you. I did this kind of work for 25 years and now have my own homecare business. If deflecting and redirecting doesn't work, learn to ignore her nonsense. Don't validate it and don't give it any attention. When she fails to get a reaction from you she'll calm down and let it go. If not, then it may be time to seriously consider memory care placement.
Don't mention her memory because all that will do is get her all worked up. It's like playing chess with a pigeon. You can try all the strategy, logic, facts, and evidence to no avail. The pigeon is going to scatter all the chess pieces then crap on the board.
This is what you're dealing with. Ignore her. Or if you are a hired caregiver stop working for this client if she's too much to handle. If you're a family caregiver it's probably time for memory care or hired homecare staff.
I agree you will need to learn about dementia and strategies to work with those who have it. Teepa Snow has great video series on YouTube. I learned a lot.
If you're going to continue caring for folks with dementia, you have to learn to let things roll off your back and not take things so personal.
You CANNOT reason with someone with any of the dementias and that have a broken brain, so quit trying.
And you must remember that logic doesn't live here anymore.