Any advice for a new caregiver?

I would like to strongly say that the advice given by Jim695 is absolutely the best I have ever seen here. I understand the temptation to flee a difficult situation, but I find myself very glad that most of those who commented here are not my kids, because I would not be cared for in the least. It is not about us, but about what we can do for others.

Cetude says "If she's like 90's, she will not last that long anyway".
That's what I thought when I opted to look after my mother. Her sudden physical decline combined with her past medical history and advanced age had me certain she wouldn't last another 6 months. It's been years now, and I seriously I wonder if she'll make it to her 100th birthday.

I'm a thirty-something who also quit his job, and social life if you will, to move back in with his parents in a small Bay Area suburb. I think the biggest observation I can offer from my own experience, is that I asked myself if I was going to feel like I was putting my life on hold, and I walked away with the answer of "I don't think so," which was enough to send me packing and away from Seattle.

I wanted this experience. I wanted to spend some good quality time with my parents, even if "quality" is debatable given their mental health states. It just meant I had to give up so much to do it. And if my experience is useful in any way, the biggest thing I've learned is that if I felt like this was a duty, I would've hated being here. Some days I still hate it, but because I didn't feel forced to be here, because I wanted to, it's become a meaningful experience that I really want to trade but never would.

It sounds like you've already "decided," so I don't know if evaluating whether you even want to be a caretaker is up for grabs. All I can say is it's going to be an experience. It may not be the career, the newly married life (I'm not married so I wouldn't know), or any other paths you dreamed of. But it will be an experience. And I think you get to choose whether that's part of what you want in your history book or not (and not everyone is going to get it).

That said, if possible, I'd discuss with your spouse if you can set some end goals. I'm planning to spend no more than a year with my parents, because I will go crazy (I already have my moments). My goal is to get transition them from still trying to be hyper independent to being able to get around on the days they want to. But even though I want to be here, I have an end date. That helps. As others have pointed out, your grandmother could be alive for another 5-10 years. Are you going to wait that long before moving to the next thing?

Also, make time for yourself, and your spouse. You have to.

Good luck. I'm very new to this (~5 weeks in) so you're in good company. Maybe find some outlet to channel the experience. For me, blogging about it has been my crutch, but I'm also a writer.

I just went through all this with my mother and I'll tell you now, find an assisted living home for her and don't wait. Do it now. My sister and I took care of mom along with two full time nurses and that lasted a week. Once your dealing with dementia of any degree your on a downhill slide that will take you with it. This could ruin you, your new marriage as well as your whole life. get out now and put Mom in a home. It's absolutely the best way to handle this. Also get a durable power of attorney as well as put your name on all her utilities and any other bills or credit cards. That way you can take care of Mom's business for her and know there are no problems. Mom's home, one vehicle and 2k dollars are exempt from any asset list so they can't make you sell the home for mom's bills. However you must say that your keeping the home for mom so she can return to it when she gets better.

Totally agree with "don't do it". You are too young. Devoting your life to caregiving means that it will be an all-consuming effort. It is wrong for anyone to want to put this on you. I totally get it when it comes to being loyal and devoted to parents and husband, but this is not realistic. What about your parents, children, etc. What will happen when their time comes. Do not give up your employment and your chances of a good retirement. The future is coming and you will be sorry that you did.

You will learn not to sweat the small stuff. This is their last stage of life. Things can go wrong and be sad for both of you. I have been doing it 8 year for my mom. She no longer knows me, but she likes me as she knows ,somehow, I care. When she gets up, make sure she goes to the bathroom, then lead her to the table. My mom likes peach yogurt, coffee and two scrambled eggs with some ketchup on the side. She eats this everyday. Takes her vitamins everyday, along with a coconut oil capsule, turmeric capsule and cinnamon bark capsule . Watches TV till noon -1:00 and I give her lunch. Then dinner is around 4:00- 5:30. I do take her for car rides and try to get her to sit in the shade outside, but she just watches closed captioned TV as much as possible. If I leave the room, she just goes to her room and lays down. I do take her to the bathroom at intervals during the day. At night I leave a light on and she gets up by herself . She has made mistakes, but do not make much out of it and life is better for you both. Try to have someone come in every once in a while so you can get out a bit. Of course, there is much more, but you have taken on a worthy cause. You will change and so will she. Pray, be loving, ask for advice when you feel caged in. Blessings.

Hi Stephanie, if the decision is final and you will be taking care of your husband's grandmother, I would recommend looking at programs for seniors in your area such as Adult Day Care or other social programs in the community. Depending on his grandmother's income, there should be low-cost or free programs. This will allow her to meet new friends and keep active and for you a little caregiver relief. Good luck!

I am not going to soft soap this. Caretaking can be a grueling experience. You are also going to have the extra situation of her knowing that you are living in her house and she is used to things being her way. I am the caretaker of both my parents who both have dementia and mom has breast cancer. I moved into their home thinking that it would be better for them to not have to move out and be more confused. It is good for them in many ways as they are always in familiar surroundings. But it does make it a little bit rougher when times come that I have to tell them what to do for their own good. You just have to be strong when those times come.

Try to always remember, especially during some of the really tough times that will come, they can't help the things they are doing. If they were still young and healthy they would be appalled at how they are acting. Just get through each situation as it comes the best that you can. Make sure you do find at least a little time for you every once in awhile so that you can re-energize. Find someone to step in for a few hours at least a couple times a month so you can get out for awhile. You didn't mention if she is on hospice. That is a great way to help take a bit of the load off. They have so many ways to help you through this time. Both my parents are on hospice at home.

Always keep in mind that you are not trapped. This is not going to be forever and when she is gone you will look back on how it was. Try to take each moment and situation in a way that you would want to remember it later. You can only do your best. Coming here often will help greatly. Knowing you are not alone and there are others going through the same thing can help. You were called to do this and God will get you through. When it is over and she is gone, you will have done what may be the greatest thing a person can ever do for another.

This is your husband's grandmother. Did you grow up with this woman in your life? Was she maybe a member of your church? Did you see her often at community events? Did she perhaps babysit you? Were you in and out of your now husband's house and interacted with her a lot?

Or is this woman essentially a stranger to you?

I know we have painted a horrendous picture of caregiving in your home. And the picture is accurate. But I personally think the stress level is related to the nature of your relationship to the person you are caring for.

I took care of my husband on his ten-year journey with dementia, in our home. I had help and respite. It was extremely hard. I would do it again.

All of us four daughters had wonderful relationships with our mother. When her dementia made it impossible for her to remain alone she moved in with the recently retired daughter. The other 3 of us provided respite. We worked together well and provided emotional support. Sis was able to do this for 14 months. Then mother went to a nursing home. Even then her care took time from us. Would we do it again? Yes! But maybe the period Sis took care of her in-home would be shorter.

Keep in mind that the four of us were in our sixties while taking on this caregiving.

I loved both of my grandmothers. Would I have volunteered to care for them in my home? Absolutely not! No way! If the Gram I was closest too just needed a place to live, that might have worked. But give her showers? Wipe her butt? Coax her to take pills? No. That was not within the nature of our relationship.

Because this thread is so uniformly negative about caregiving in your home I want to point out that this outlook is specifically for your situation. I don't think that no one should ever care for a relative. But your husband's grandmother? At your age 30? My dear, that is just the wrong situation at the wrong time.

Maybe someone you will care for a disabled husband, or he will care for you. Fine. But if this woman is basically a stranger that is an entirely different situation.

Do come back and tell us what is happening.

(BTW, has your husband read these responses?)

@stephanitely86:
The other posts here certainly contain some realistic advice; the task you're about to undertake will probably be the most challenging thing you can do for another human being. But it will also be one of the most rewarding experiences you'll ever have.
My dad had MS, and was in a wheelchair during his last five years. Taking care of him was pretty straightforward; empty his catheter bag and irrigate his catheter, help him with his exercises and fix his meals. Dad still had his wits about him, right up to the day he passed, so it wasn't that bad.
Mom, however, was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder with dimentia in 1997. Two years later, an MRI revealed that Mom had lost 30% of her brain mass due to atrophy, and she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Syndrome with dimentia. Her doctor told me it was only going to get worse. I put my parents through h*ll when I was young - I was arrested more times than I care to remember. Not for anything violent, mind you but, like Dad used to say, "If you're going to be stupid, you have to be willing to pay for it." I went to jail because I was caught drinking a beer before I my 21st birthday, again for stealing ten railroad ties and yet again (in another county) because I didn't (couldn't) pay the fine for a speeding ticket. I never spent an entire night in jail, though, because Dad and Mom always came to my rescue. But they also taught me that I had to accept responsibility for anything I might do, so they made sure I was there for my court dates.
My point is this: I took on the challenge of caring for them because I felt (and still do) that I owed them that much.
Mom was a handful; it was impossible to anticipate what she'd do next. She started a fire in the kitchen when she put her clothes in the microwave "to see if it would make them better." She emptied the entire refrigerator one night, left all of the food out on the counter and left the door open, which burned out the compressor. One morning I kept hearing the pump kick on (we lived in a rural area and had well water). I went downstairs and found every tap in the house open, water everywhere, and every burner on the stove was blazing away on high. I took the knobs off of the stove, installed baby gates everywhere and tried tying the fridge door shut. Mom was pretty clever, though, and managed to find different ways to cut through the bungee cords, so I eventually anchored an I-bolt to the wall and padlocked a chain around the refrigerator door. She began to dig at the wall sockets with her fork after a meal, so I installed baby-proof covers over all the outlets, and I'd do a quick inventory of dishes and utensils after mealtime.
Those are just some of the things that nearly drove me to the brink of madness.
One thing you should know, Stephanie, is that the help available to caregivers ranges anywhere non-existent to very little. I have two siblings living nearby, but neither of them were willing to help me. It was terrible! "I don't want to see Mom like that," they'd tell me. I guess it never occurred to them that I didn't want to see her like that, either.
I did hire a nurse from Comfort Keepers to come out and give Mom a bath twice a week (there are certain things a son just can't do for his mother). It cost $18 an hour, but it was the only time I was able to leave the house for four hours. I used that time to run errands, do laundry or to buy groceries. Then I'd race back home, to my own private h*ll.
I'd love to tell you that I never lost my patience with Mom, that I never got upset and lost my temper. But I did. I NEVER hit my mother, but I can remember several times when I yelled (screamed) at her for doing something I just couldn't comprehend (burning up the microwave comes to mind). However, I was always conscious of one particular fact that always caused me to keep my ire in check: Mom didn't ask for this disease; she wasn't doing those things on purpose. She would often hallucinate and talk to people who weren't there. She'd hide food under the couch cushions or in other inconspicuous places. She would do the most maddening things, and I simply couldn't understand why she would do them. Well, now I realize it was because the 70% of brain matter she had left was wired differently than mine. Her neural pathways were corrupted, so her take on logic and reason was governed by a different set of rules. The entire world, and how it worked, had been reinvented in Mom's mind. It was a world I couldn't see, but she was no longer able to see my world, the "real" world, either.
And that's what kept me grounded. Realizing that the world she lived in was every bit as real to her as ours is to us is all that kept me from blowing my brains out.
I'd always remind myself of that when I'd get upset and yell at her. And then I'd apologize to her. I'd speak to her softly, sometimes through tears of shame, and I'd tell her I was sorry I yelled at her, and that it wasn't her fault. Her doctor, Mom's doctor, wrote me a prescription for Xanax just so I could sleep, and it helped to keep me calm during the most trying times.
Dad passed away in 2001 at the VA hospital. I continued to take care of Mom until she broke her hip in 2014. She went to a nursing home to recuperate and never came home again. I was her court-appointed guardian and her power of attorney for nearly twenty years, but it was decided that the level of care she now required was more than I could provide. Therefore, I was forced to sign her up for state Medicaid. I put my name on the deed to the house after Dad died, but the state tried to force me out when they said it counted as part of her assets (I was successful in keeping the house, but it cost me several thousands in legal fees). I was forced to cash in her life insurance for pennies on the dollar, because the state wants us both to be broke if they're going to pay for part of her care. Medicaid didn't pay everything, so I had to make up the difference. I'm a disabled veteran living on a small pension, but that doesn't matter to the state: "Thanks for your service, now where's our money? Oh, you don't have it? Okay; your truck belongs to us now and, by the way, there's nothing you can do about it."
The journey upon which you're about to embark will take you into the very depths of H*ll itself, and once you find yourself there, you'll discover there is no way out - you can't go back the way you came in order to escape. Believe me, you'll find out exactly what you're made of, and you'll discover the very limits of human endurance.
Despite all of that, I'm not sorry I took on the role of caregiver for my parents. Despite all of the frustration, the enormous expense, the complete absence of any semblance of a social life, and despite the years upon years of sleep deprivation, I would do it again for my parents.
You see, I have memories of my mother and father that my brother and my sister can never have. It wasn't ALL bad. There are some pleasant and even amusing memories I can conjure when I need them.
Mom was 81 when she passed away on February 28, 2017. I stood up at her funeral and told my siblings to stop crying because they hadn't earned the right to shed a single tear. "Where were your tears when she was alive, when she had lucid moments and wanted nothing more than to see her children? You don't get to cry for losing someone you gave up so many years ago." I made them both wait outside until the service was over, and I have absolutely NO regrets about that.
Good luck to you, Stephanie. It's going to be the most difficult thing you'll ever do but, take my word for it, you'll gain a strength of character you wouldn't otherwise be able to attain.
As for the rest of you, I can't, and won't criticize you for feeling the way you do. There really SHOULD be more help available to those who sacrifice significant portions of their own lives and careers to care for the parents to whom we all owe so much. It's a difficult, demanding task that will suck the very life out of you. There will be times when you'll wish you could just walk away, when you'll ask yourself, "What the h*ll was I thinking when I agreed to do this?"
But when the ordeal finally comes to its inevitable end, you'll know that you made it through, and you'll know that if you can do that, you can do pretty much anything.
Endure the most trying times and fondly remember the good ones. It won't last forever, although sometimes you'll think it just might.
I'm assuming your husband will be helping with Grandma's care. Work up a schedule and stick to it; you'll both need time away. When it gets to be too much, hire a nurse or professional caregiver to sit with her while you enjoy an evening out together.
I hope this helped a little, and I wish you and your husband the best.

Don't do it. It will change your life forever. Loss of income, social life and privacy!

I'm caring for my wife of 17 years. I've been caring for her memory loss. I have no life other than waiting on her. She doesn't know me except as her caregiver. Be ready to lose friends due to you devoting all your time to caregiving. I thought I had it all together until I asked the family to call or visit. All to busy with their own lives. So I hired a person for a few hours each week. I realized that I did need some time away. : ))

I was in my late 50s, semiretired/self-employed, and single when I started taking care of my parents with dementia. It was beyond disruptive to my own life, and I can't even imagine what this would be like for a 30-year-old newly-married woman like yourself.

First piece of advice: Run like h*ll. Seriously. Or at least question why no one else is willing to step up to the plate. A close relative maybe? Then, did you make this decision yourself or did somebody make it for you?

So you decide to take that bit in your teeth anyway. Build a support crew now. Doesn't have to be folks who can pitch in so you can take off for a weekend either. Even having someone who can go out for coffee with you and listen while you implode would be huge. Check into the caregivers' support groups, and if your local Alzheimers Association has caregiving classes, take them. Most are free, and most can give you a good idea of what to expect.

Figure out how long you can take off at a time. With Dad, if I was gone longer than four hours, he got antsy or scared or ready to wander. So anything within that time window, I'm okay. That's long enough to implode with a friend over coffee.

Take any respite you can when you can. Anything you and your grandmother-in-law enjoy together is a possibility here. If you both, say, enjoy local theater or going out to listen to music, you can enjoy yourself, your care recipient enjoys herself and keeps mentally engaged, everybody wins and you get a bit of a break.

Stephanitely86, best of luck to you and your husband. If you decide to take this nearly-impossible assignment on and you're praying folks, do it. If you're not, do it anyway. You'll need all the help you can get.

was it just a job, or a career? You are still young, it sounds like you want to try this, your husband will be of some help I imagine. Is there any chance of respite care from a Council On Aging type organization? For instance, I get 48 hours a month when I get to go out for shopping, library, whatever. There will be bad times when you will be exhausted, resentful of others for not helping, wondering when you get to be yourself again. Have you thought about a nursing home? Found a good one? My mom was miserable in the one she had to have rehab in when she was recovering from a UTI, they were supposed to be five star, but she was stuck in a wheelchair (she never used one before), the doctor did not communicate with family, I had a feeling she would not last long there. Good luck, your intentions are sweet and caring, I am living with my 91 old mother (I am 63) and just keep thinking, she needs me, that is what matters. One day I might not be able to do it, but for now I am hanging in there.

This is probably not the case for you, but I know it has been for some. If you actually hate your job and are seeing this as an escape into something that adds value to the family while getting you out of a bad situation, again beware! Don't go from the frying pan into the fire. Instead, really examine other job options -- maybe even figuring out how much you need to make in order to contribute to paying for some caregiving for your husband's grandma. My mother is also a very sweet elder and a joy to be around. That doesn't eliminate the fact that having taken on her care puts some serious and pretty non-negotiable limits on how my husband and I can live our life for now. She's 98 and in perfect health except for dementia, so we are pretty much "all in" until she's 100. The odds that she will live several years beyond that are high, so we are in preparation stages for making a transition at that point into at least an assisted living situation, if not NH. There are limits to the "hold" any of us can put on our lives, and the elder we are caring for would not have wanted that for us had they been fully cognitively capable at the time the decisions were made. Which brings me to another point -- with your own children and grandchildren, begin a clear conversation NOW about how you DON'T want this for them, and begin together making plans that will avoid having that become an issue.

sdbike, So well said.

Do you know why you have so many responses to your question? Because it is so easy to answer from the pool of resources here on this site. When you asked that question, I knew for sure you either were joking, or you were a complete novice, knowing nothing at all about what you were getting into.
I am turning 60 this year. I had no experience, knowledge, or ties to anyone who had a relative with dementia when I was your age. Now not only do I have my own mother with dementia, I had my uncle, my aunt and loads of friends. I am now 100% experienced in all things caregiving, and guess what? My mother does not even live with me. She is in her 5th facility. The very first response to your question hit the nail on the head. At least she is 91 and chances are she will die soon. But there is a chance she won't. There is a chance she will live to over 100. I am in my 8th year of this. I quit my job 6 years ago, moved from California to North Carolina to be closer. I am my mother's Power of Attorney (most important document to have), executor of her will, Trustee on her Trust and her only real caregiver, aside from the kind folks in her facility. I am worn down. I am jaded. I am at the stage where I realize, that unless you are billionaires and can afford the best of the best, you are going to be confronted with SOOOO many situations that will frustrate the h*ll out of you that all your friends, and new husband will abandon you because all you can talk about are the many stories of angst, frustration, stupidity, lack of common sense, corporate greed, the snails pace of medicare, the bureaucracy of everything and the new set of everything and anything that will confront you every single day until you go mad. STOP right now and find an alternative to this decision. Even if you contribute some of your time, find someone else, or a facility to help you. My mother was stubborn too. She begged me to let her die in her house. In the end I had to force her out and while she did not like it, she was not in her right mind to make any decisions to take care of herself anymore. I am begging you to rethink your decision no matter how much guilt you have or think you will have or think your patient will thrust on you. You are too young to have to take on this burden by yourself. It is not selfish, it is healthy to take care of yourself, otherwise you might as well put some sleeping pills, and a lot of them, out for yourself.

Stephanie, you are an angel on earth for your willingness to take on the care of your husband's grandmother. There is a lot of good information on this forum so I'm not going to repeat too much.
I did a little research and Connecticut does offer the Community First Choice State Plan which is a program, if she qualifies, that will provide all the necessary services to keep grandma in her home: https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/medicaid-waivers/ct-community-first-choice.html. This is the program I wish I knew about 3 years ago when I first started my caregiving journey with mom. The financial burden of taking care of grandma is not your burden. This program is in place to help keep her at home. This program is based on her financial status, not yours. If she qualifies, the world opens up to all new possibilities for you to be successful at caregiver and keep a good life for yourself and husband.
I found that I had to hire a care manager to navigate through the spider web of government paperwork. But, now that the process is almost done, it has been a true blessing. The cost of the private pay care manager was worth every penny. Mom gets to stay with me, I was awarded 24/7 care, in home health aides, that medicaid pays for. There is assistance with adding a ramp to the front of my house for mom and any other issues mom might have with staying safe. I have been able to keep my job.
I had already been out of the workforce back in my late twenties, earlier thirties and it was not pretty getting back into the workforce. It was like starting all over as if I was 18, and the pay was minimum wage. Very difficult to raise two children on my own making minimum wage, which back then was $6.15 and hour OUCH! Plus I was not paying into the social security system so that will affect me at retirement time, double whammy!
The best case scenario you want to get yourself in is to stay employed, keep your relationship with your husband in good standing, bring in outside aides to assist, take care of yourself in mind, body and spirit.
Check into that link and see if grandma would be eligible. You would stay in control of her care but still be able to live your own life. There is still a lot of stress even under this situation, but at least you have help and the opportunity to take care of yourself. Take care of yourself so that you have the capacity to take care of your husband and your grandmother. 
Also, a side note, even if it looks like your grandmother may not qualify because she is over the income requirement, don't stop there.  Find a care manager to talk with. There are ways to still make it work. They may be good options, they may  not, but push through the system.  I know New York doesn't make it easy, and it was extremely frustrating.  However, I finally got the help I needed and it worked out in the best interest of my mom.  That was all that mattered.  Don't take the first 20 to 30 no's, keep on pushing.  Best of luck to you. If there is any way I can be of any further help to you, please feel free to reach out to me. 

I would say don't do it, but it sounds like you already have so definitely follow the advice to have help. Do not try to do the 24/7 alone. I tried that and as stated in a previous response, ended up almost destroying my own health. I was also very resentful that I could have no life of my own. Every day I would get up and tell myself I would do better, I won't lose patience today. Within a couple hours I had lost it again and hated myself for it. It is a "no win" situation my dear. I did it for 14 months and am in the nursing home process with my mom now which also is no picnic. I'm a lot older than you, but you will face these things too if you try to do it alone.

If you are a sensitive and empathetic person, the stress could ruin your health. I've seen it happen to other caregivers. My advice, like that of others before me, is don't do it. Downsize into a small apartment if you need to. It's all right to say "I (or we) made a mistake." Only fools never change their minds. It's not worth hating life. If hubby is insensitive to your needs, he needs to readjust his thinking. Or give up a good woman (you).

Don't quit your job! I stopped working for 2.5 years and this was my biggest mistake. I'm working part time now. I wish I would've brought caregivers in as soon as I needed them instead of stop working. At the time it seemed like a good idea. The problem now is that my mother clings to me because she is so dependent on me. It's sucking the life out of me. Dementia only gets worse, don't ruin some of the best years of your life. It is rewarding on some levels but in the long run it will harm you. Get caregivers now!

My heart goes out to you and here's a question for you where are your parents in all this? You are a young newly married woman that should be getting used to being married. I am also caring for my grandmother as well and I am 41 years old and in a serious relationship. I barely get time to spend with my boyfriend and you need to be moreso looking out for your marriage. You will start to get worn out taking care of an elderly person because in a few months you'll see how this is taking its toll on you both personally and financially. Seniors can be expensive and if you are planning to start a family in the next few years you need to make some arrangements so you can ensure grandma is cared for while you live your own life.

I don't hear you saying your husband will be taking care of his mother. Isn't he going to be helping?
24/7 means no sleep - you won't last long. If it's his mother, you should be helping him take care of her - not you doing all the work.

Before you quit your job, sit down with "dear hubby" and ask him exactly what he is expecting of you and what he will be doing for all 3 of you. Ask him who will be cooking, bathing, cleaning & changing depends, feeding (yes, I said feeding) HIS mother. Get it all out on the table or you will be in a world of hurt down the road.

Being a caregiver can be extremely rewarding - but it can also be complete h*ll. Knowing what is expected of you will definitely help you.

You do know he will still expect you to clean the house, do the laundry, prepare meals and "service him" when he is in the mood.

DONT DO IT!!! I am 36 and my husband's gram moved in with us (dementia,seizures,brain injury) I have no life can no longer do most things I enjoyed doing with my girls 5&11 the family barely helps and my husband thinks it all cake and ice cream so long as Grammy is well cared for and she is but at what expense? My freedom, my kids, and well my kids?!? She's gotten physically and verbally abusive toward my kids and me both. This will not get better only much much worse with dementia. Are you prepared to give up life as you know it? She will decline and mabe now she will be or is grateful but after her mind is gone you will be changing diapers or mabe just scrubbing your toilet 6 times a day because she is too proud to let you help or as in my case broke her wrist from falling and can barely do it herself and still won't ask for help and tells you your a c***sucker for trying to shower her grateful no more my dear. It has been just over a year now and I cry alot it's alot to take on emotionally more than anything else in my opinion and it will take a toll on your marriage for instance say the day comes when shes gotten physical and your hubby comes home from work and you tell him about granny taking a swipe at you not everyone realizes how far out there ppl with demntia get so what do you do when he says well what did you say or do to make her do tht? Yea not a good idea unless u already have ppl to fill shifts and family actively helping for the love of God do not do it. Have kids their way more fun.

I have been caring for my 92 year old mother who has dementia/
alzheimers for 1 1/2 years and yes it is difficult but with God's help I'm able to handle it pretty well. Make sure you take care of yourself and take daily respite breaks. If possible I recommend you put her in adult daycare several days a week. I get a lot of support from my pastor and church family. I've been going to a caregivers support group once a month and am going to join a dementia/alzheimers support group (my first meeting will be 4/17).

So your husband, her grandson, leaves the house to go to work every day? He most likely expects dinner every day? Does your husband do the grocery shopping, laundry, help with cleaning or do you do all of the above in addition to caring for Grandma? Hmmm

You could do it -- she's 91 and won't last long anyway and if you have a support system.  IF she were younger say in her 80's--this is how it's like to caregive for years.   If she is end stage Alzheimer's caregiving will suck the life out of you. It's beyond a nightmare. You will need incredible amounts of patience. Ask yourself if you are able to bathe her.  If you have a bathtub and she is able to walk, you better get rid of it. That's what I had to do because sometimes they will try to go in there and CANNOT get out.  I had to pay considerable amount of money changing it to a standing shower so she can't drown herself.  Are you able to clean her private areas because she will urinate and defecate on herself--and if you don't they can get infection.  Are you able to brush her teeth and be prepared to become the target of anger.  People with Alzheimer's absolutely HATES anything to do with hygiene and you still have to do it and they can fight you--you need endless patience with them.  Unless you are wealthy you will have to sacrifice your own health and seeing a doctor to caregive. My Obamacare is $600 a month with $7,000 deductible because Florida does not provide any kind of Medicaid expansion and since I make virtually no money I'm not eligible for any kind of government subsidies because I still have a savings.  My savings has taken an enormous hit because living is expensive.  Car repairs. Air conditioning repairs. Dentists. Insurance. Home insurance. Flood insurance. Car insurance.  Life.    Despite having health insurance I have not seen a doctor for years due to the deductibles.  Caregiving will severely impact your life.  Oh and if you think your doctor has a magic pill -- forget it. Nothing cures Alzheimer's. Those pills may mask symptoms at first but they become ineffective and psychotrophic and sedatives will increase risk of FALLING. 

If she's like 90's, she will not last that long anyway. If you truly hate your job and want to quit, do it. If she is younger, you may want to reconsider.  Hiring caregivers cost a great deal of money--sitting services alone (without any hands on) is $20 an hour. A CNA which does bathing, changing clothes, feeding, that's double that.  If she has medications to administer, you need to hire home health and that will cost another fortune because a CNA cannot legally give any kind of medications.  If you want to keep your job put her in a nursing home. If she is on Medicaid--they will pay for adult daycare but when she dies Medicaid will want reimbursement and will go after her estate since she is over 55. If she is on Medicaid and you want to keep your job impound her in a nursing home. 

You don't sound like a selfish brat, but I hope it's not too late for you to reconsider keeping your full-time job and hiring a caregiver. Going ahead with your plan will not only take a huge toll on your personal life and your marriage, it can affect your future if you are cut off from any benefits you receive from your job. If you live in the U.S. you will decrease the amount you will have paid into Social Security. I am retired and am glad I did not quit my job when my mother suddenly became my responsibility. I made arrangements that were fair to her and to me.

Fabulous advice here. Yes, please update.