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Also, for the first year you can forget getting a whole night's sleep for you will be up and down with the baby cause your husband will need his sleep to work at his high paying job. Try being up and down all night with a baby and then take care of a 91 year old with dementia? A formula for stressing out big time!
Add to this having an elderly woman with dementia in the house and you have the recipe for everyone, including the baby, being stressed out.
Babies are demanding and totally dependent. Raising a child to some degree makes keeping the marriage alive more difficult for the child always needs something, or at least that seems to be true quite often. It takes more work for a marriage while raising a child than it does when the nest stays empty or becomes empty.
The best thing I can say here is:
You are an adult. You make and are responsible for your own choices.
Good luck.
Otherwise she might be the 1 in 1000 caregiver who loves cleaning up diarrhea and dealing with EMTs. As my Bostonian neighbor used to say, "God love ya", Steph, either way.
Stephanie, this is going to be hard. You are young and taking on your husbands parent will not be easy especially if you are planning to start a family of your own. A child is an enormous responsibility but an adult child is much more difficult. They have grown up problems and if they become physically and or mentally incapacitated, lifting and moving them and handling simple daily things like shopping, preparing meals, taking to appointments, repeating the same thing over and over again, keeping them entertained safely is just a fraction of things that will be on your plate. I fear this would be overwhelming on a new Mom and most likely rob you of that joy by being overwhelmed caring for everyone and you will be last.
None of us know your stress capacity, what type of relationship you have with your inlaw, how supportive your husband is, etc. All of these things will matter now that you have chosen to take this on. I will add that I did not imagine that living with and caring for Mom with dementia would test my patience on a regular basis. I did not imagine that my career would be greatly affected. I did not imagine my brothers would paint me out to be a monster that did all of this for some kind of monetary compensation and I did not imagine I would become a prisoner that cannot go on any vacations. Yes, I may sound bitter but in the end, I know that I did not just stick her in a home where she could spend the rest of her days in "Death's waiting room" which is what a lot of those facilities feel like. I know that well as my Mom worked as an RN in those facilities her whole life and I always hated going in there. They we just so d*mn depressing! I don't envy your position but do realize the possible pitfalls this could have on your relationship, career, and possibly your sanity. LOL!!!!! Maybe you are one of those angels that can manage and take it all in stride but I realize I am all too human and have many days where I am ready to jump off a cliff! I thankfully decided against having kids or I would surely be certifiable by now.
I hope your husband is a super supportive and empathetic man because that will be what will make or break this endeavor. Best wishes and be sure to take care of you.
As long as Steph realizes that when grandma's care becomes too much, then there must be help hired or other plans made to deal with it... Why not let Steph learn through experience? It's rather like describing colors to a blind person, isn't it? You can't know until you do it, and everyone's experience is different.
Steph, do what you want to do. If you end up with an anxiety disorder due to too much chaos & responsibility, that would be unfortunate. That's what you're gambling with. You're also gambling with not being able to tend to your infant/toddlers's needs due to the progressing of grandma's illness. You may drive a wedge in your marriage due to resentment. No talk now with your husband can predict what will come in the future. Caregiving to a dementia charge is considered one of the most stressful things, and if you add a child to take care of, then you're officially a "sandwich" generation, except your child would be an infant, also requiring practically round-the-clock care.
Stress studies are done on people that are in that position. You can look that up online, see who is studied as being the most stressed in society. It isn't police, etc., it's caregivers and specifically sandwich caregivers. You should at least wait until 12 months into caregiving to see if you still think it's anything-but-nuts to bring an infant into the situation.
I was caregiver of my wife for 12 years until July 2017....I am 81. She was my sweetheart...I got so tired that I eventually hired ladies to help..
Grace + Peace,
Bob
And a baby--either you are devoting your life to Mammy--who as far as I can tell doesn't have enough short to memory to remember who you are when she wakes up in the morning--or you can raise a family. Manny is not going to getting better or easier. It is lovely that your husband is in this for 100% now.Trust me, you can't be sure it will last. She goes to bed at 8pm and sleeps through. For now. I don't wish this on anyone, but what if you have a premie? What if you have a child who need constant hospital visits? PT, OT, Speech? I was soooo much picker about what special needs I could accept in my second daughter than my first, because I knew how much time I could devote to a 2nd child. And for all my planning, it quickly went pear shaped.
First the spilt cups and dropping, balance deficiencies led to a distinguished cane—then walkers and rollators and then the blasted wheelchair. I knew my life was over when the wheelchair showed up. Now it’s dementia (irrational, argumentative, unreasonable) recognized now as cognition demise. Funny that she blocks her ears whenever I try to explain the current flows of options. Savings kaput as I stopped working to stay home as the Good Samaritan teaches but have gone crazily depressed. It’s just a small patch of grass that grows Un-mowed.
Work was always my driving force for learning and discovery.
While I have to go to work willingly (social security at 65 does not cut it) Mary must have attendance since she falls down at times if unaided (nightmares of that nature caused me to stop working). This crazy disease affects her in many ways and continues it’s ever so subtle creep. Working will keep me sane and help get her to a better place.
It takes on a life of its own— thought I could handle this on my own.
So chin to the wind
You must make decisions
Before you rescind
And deal with divisions
Make sure you get all the help you can get. Keep working if possible even from home.
Be well —-all the roads of advice point to taking care of yourself. I did not and now fighting back. It was only recently that I realized there is a concept called caregiver burnout. Dealt with this for 18 years on my own. Now working to recapture my will. Thy will be done?