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If you need a friend I am here. I do understand.
Never feel bad about your feelings. Feelings are just feelings. You can't control them. Go easy on yourself.
Kelley
Now I have aides coming in 5 days a week for 5 hours to do her morning routine with her and pay attention to her, etc. THIS is how you keep your sanity. You stop being her everything cuz it's a thankless and frustrating job. You deserve your own time and space. Hire someone else to do a bunch of the stuff she has dumped on your lap. Nope. Start getting out of the house and living YOUR life, not hers.
She won't like it but too bad. Remember, YOU don't like how things are now so something has to give.
Good luck.
Second, you are under no obligation to be your mother's hands-on caregiver (or even a remote PoA). It won't get better, only more and more intense, demanding, stressful and frustrating as she declines. You are in control of whether you continue down this path or turn off. You just have to be at peace with the other options for her.
If mom has no funds for Memory Care Assisted Living, look into Medicaid for Skilled Nursing. You deserve a life of your own, and she deserves peace and tranquility also. Had mom been living with me, I have no doubt I'd have been losing my cool ALL the time. Between her dementia and personality disorders, fuggedaboutit.
Best of luck.
I still am called upon as their personal Uber driver. The latest was 1 AM when he was coming back from a trip to the ER…because he didn’t want to take the transport that was being provided.
i continue to take care of the bills and most of the personal shopping items. (My sister—who got to keep her job—shops for clothes for them. And does come to take them out for dinner.)
I am only 10 min from the facility but find it really hard to visit. They have everything they need and yet the complaining will never cease.
I spent my first few years of post retirement oversees in a developing country doing what I love. My sister insisted I needed to come home (which meant giving up my PAID dream job). I foolishly gave into the guilt. Not to mention they didn’t like me living with them. They acted as if I was using them for my housing needs! (I actually overheard my mom tell her sister this! My dad later divulged he thought I had been fired from my overseas job! …I have NEVER been fired from ANY job…and have always been celebrated for my contributions! This job was no different!). After my horrible unwelcome arrival…the pandemic hit!! It was after things opened up a bit is when I moved out.
Moving out was the best decision…but the responsibilities are still here. I am “stuck”. I just can’t seem to move in any direction. I just exist. I don’t have the energy to make any changes.
I fight against feelings of resentment and anger. I know I have “choices” and can make different decisions. It just seems I’m just too tired to make them.
All this to say you aren’t alone.
Wow, that sums up my current state in one paragraph. Finding this forum has been invaluable to me as there’re so many of us in these same shoes who offer sage advice and encouragement. Even though I am the only one caring for my mother, I don’t feel quite so alone.
I wouldn't spend time screaming because someone can't hear. Too bad. Get a note pad and write small answers. You'll give yourself a headache, and strain your voice.
I would tell the family I'm done. She needs more help than you can give. But you made it easy for the rest of the family. They won't want things to change.
YOU have to change. You have to ask yourself why you are a doormat, and a martyr. Your getting something out of it. Your siblings aren't martyrs. Only you can get a backbone and say enough.
https://lonerwolf.com/martyr-complex-symptoms/
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