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I would say try to find some humor in it. It will help you so much.
I have a couple of friends who have been nurses for many years. Some of the stories they have told me have been absolutely hilarious 🤣!
The topics of conversation that come up in operating rooms are often hysterical.
It’s a good thing that patients are under anesthesia and don’t hear the nurses and doctors joking around. 😝
People who are able to look at life with a sense of humor have a healthier attitude.
I still watch reruns of Mash because of the dark humor in that show. Humor allows us to cope in many difficult moments.
If you’re dreading waking up in the morning and leaving for work, it’s time to quit and start thinking of alternative options.
Best wishes to you.
The people that I should have helped didn't qualify for Medicaid and couldn't get an aide. It seems like the only ones who are getting the help are the ones who don't need it.
Now, the caregiver has to be caring and competent, obviously, to be treated well by decent people. What I have seen is when caregiver goes above and beyond without expectation of extra compensation that's when they receive extra compensation.
My favorite client had me 'tipped out' each month during my time with her. Her family made sure I was making $15 an hour instead of the $9 that all other CG's made. And they NEVER gave raises. They also recognized my birthday and Christmas with large bonuses.
This gave the agency fits, but it was done in a legal and appropriate way.
I never felt this valued in any other company I worked with.
Here are some of the thoughts..
No one can take care of X like I do.
No one will be able to handle X when s/he gets upset, I'm the only one that can get them to calm down.
I don't want strangers in my home.
I don't trust someone to be in my house if I'm not there.
When you come in how do you act and or react?
Are you respectful of the work that the caregiver has been doing?
Do you ask how they want things done or do you do things the way you find easier, or are used to doing?
Do you explain what you do, why you do things one way??
Do you set boundaries?
Do you respect boundaries set by your employer?
Rather than quitting when there is a problem do you ask to sit and talk for a few minutes to explain how you are feeling?
(I do not know how you feel that you have been disrespected so I can't give an example of a "solution")
If I ever disrespected or upset a caregiver I would want to know about it and if it was a misunderstanding it can be worked out.
Our family - in particular my SIL who lived with FIL- did the job unpaid for a few years - and we would bring in agency caregivers for respite. Additionally - we would have home health in frequently as well. And then there were the frequent rehab stays before the final move to the nursing home this year.
As family - we have always been so grateful to the paid caregivers, CNAs, Nurses, PT, OT, home health - anyone who was providing care or respite - sometimes to a fault (as in we probably got in the way or asked too many questions).
But my FIL, on the other hand - runs hot and cold - and both of those are bad.
Cold - is the typical - nasty, looking down on caregivers, treating them badly, yelling at them, expecting them to read his mind and know what he needs without him asking. If one is there long enough and he let's his guard down, he will start to talk badly about them to other people, and do what he did to my SIL - snapping his fingers and whistling for their attention. (which has earned him what we call the "lecture" in more than one facility in the past about not being the only person they have to take care of and that he has to learn to wait his turn)
(not that this matters at all- because basic courtesy and manners should apply to anyone - but my FIL is a dyed in the wool narcissist and thinks he is the only person anyone has to think about ever)
Hot - I don't know if it's any better. This is what we call the "dirty old man". We've had CNAs in particular just laugh it off when we have apologized, and tell us they are used to it. A lot of them are the same age (or even younger) than his granddaughters. But its the flirting, the leering, the "hey baby/babe", "are you married? why not? you should be - why are you working when a beautiful woman like you could be married?" This type of behavior is bad enough when it is a server in a restaurant but when this poor CNA is having to change your underwear or give you a sponge bath - that's just too close for comfort to be hearing those things. They are also often wrapped in thinly veiled racial comments, or comments about tattoos, or asking them whether they live with their boyfriends. In other words, way too personal.
All too often people - either the clients or their families - treat caregivers as either invisible or as if they can say or do whatever in front of them and it's just ok. They can treat them however and it's just ok.
My personal opinion - we don't pay people taking care of other people - doing the actual 'dirty work' enough as it is - they should be treated like gold!
The OP describes the position of being an underappreciated and condescended-to paid caregiver. There also are many family members doing this work "for free." I wonder if the best way to help all caregivers, paid or unpaid, relative or not, is to assign dollar value to this care within statutes.
I felt more appreciated by family in the second year of the pandemic when discussion of the ongoing need for chronic- and/or memory-care for both parents was 1/4 theory and 3/4 reality, but by the third and now fourth year, where need is even greater, there is no perception that an outside caregiver in this situation working 24/7/365 would cost how much money? Potentially six figures.
By establishing monetary value, unpaid caregivers should be able to get some kind of credit for the work they perform caring for a community member(s), and an acknowledgement of the actual market-value of the work for those of us who do receive some compensation.
OR are you dealing with someone old, impaired, demented, ill and in pain, depressed?
And dealing with a family that is desperate, confused, disagreeing with one another?
I spent my life as an RN. There was no walking away from the difficult patients, the difficult families.
Instead I learned to LISTEN TO THEM, to learn from them. And they gave me gifts of gratefulness, of standing witness to courage, of feeling of REAL USE in this world that I will never forget.
You may not be cut out for caregiving. OR you may have an epiphany that will turn what now seems so difficult to a joy and a vocation. I am 81. I miss it still. I wish the very best for you.
It's different when you're a nurse in a clinical setting. CNA's who work in homecare are often at a client's house for hours at a time. We get treated differently from clients and their families than a nurse would get treated.
I am a doer, when MIL complains (which is frequent) I offer up suggestions. She hates that and just wants someone to listen (and listen some more). I just can't handle it. As a long time recruiter, not every job is meant to be. Perhaps you should find another line of work? Or get some training that is directly related?
I wish you all the best.
I'm a doer myself. I have never had patience to listen to a person complain simply because they want someone to listen to them complain. Often times complaining is entertainment and a kind of sport to the elderly. That is why it's important for seniors to be around other seniors. So they can complain to each other. Almost like a form of competitive complaining.
Being the sounding board for that is not me and every client I've ever had over the last 25 years knew it early on. The clients who use my agency do too.
Legitimate complaint is one thing. If there's an actual problem that needs to be addressed or the client needs help, I will always get right on it.
If someone just wants to lash-out and complain for the sake of complaining, I am not their person.
Find a different line of work like a lot of us here wish we could.
There most certainly is an option to quit when you are being disrespected in a marriage.
The option is called a divorce.
Older people, especially those with dementia are very prone to be belligerent, argumentative, suspicious and downright hostile. It’s part of the disease…always has been and always will be.
Not everyone with dementia is hostile, but I’d guess the majority are. Throw in the fact they can’t express themselves normally due to dementia and they can be delusional and even have hallucinations. A caregivers role is to try to rise above and make the patient comfortable, safe, dose proper meds, see that they get nutrition, keep them clean and offer a bit of companionship. That’s never easy when someone is yelling at you, belittling you. You can’t argue with a dementia patient, you can’t reason with them or use logic…their brain just doesn’t work that way anymore.
So, if you cannot rise to the occasion, please find another profession. Not everyone is cut out for caregiving. As someone said already here, you are lucky that you can move on if you decide to do that. Lots of caregivers do not have that choice when they are related to the patient.
A caregiver does not have to take any abuse. I never did. Maintaining a high level of patience is different then tolerating abuse. My homecare clients (even the ones with dementia who were still able to reside at home) knew pretty quick how far they could go with me which is not very far.
I never really had much of a problem with abusive clients verbally or physically.
My mother was a different story. I grew up in a dysfunctional home where there was a lot of bullying and verbal abuse.
Then I grew up. My mother understands that me helping her is contingent on her behavior.
If she gets ornery, or tries to instigate, or lashes out she knows full well that she will be doing without and will be ignored. I told her aide to respond to her this way.
This lesson was well taught by me and well learned by her when one day she started up complaining about the meal I cooked her. It actually was a dish she very much liked.
So, I picked up her plate and threw it in the garbage. Problem solved. She stopped complaining about the meals.
When you establish yourself as a person who does not tolerate nonsense or abuse, people tend to not give you much of either.