Am I making the wrong decision to want to care for my mother at home?

Its very hard to look after someone with dementia 24/7 you really need to look at all your options what you can and cant afford you will need outside help and daycare so id really investigate everything before you make your mind up and its good your husband is ok with her moving in

BrendaLynn, very good eye :-).

Obviously more awake than I was when I saw the question.
i felt regardless, Alzheimer;'s in my case is a disease that only has more people affected by in since 2009. I really wish there was a treatment plan. I love care giving, and I am such an inform gatherer, and I know this post was not about that, it was about her father moving back in. Whom knows the situation.

Thanks for allowing me to state my opinion however.

Have a peaceful day this 8th of June 2014.

Hi there, I noticed this question was from 2009, but was bumped back to the top of the list. Let us know what you decided!!! I would love to hear the outcome of such an old post!!

good answer momof5202014

I will be brutal but honest.
First, what is the condition? If it is old age, and there is nothing truly wrong with her, then that is one answer.
If it is Alzheimer's or Dementia that is another answer.
If it is anywhere between that is the third answer.

First, if it is just plain old age, which is very hard to find these days. People have baggage and older people do need attention, and if you are used to coming and going as you please 24/7 and you are married to someone whom says and this is a huge huge red flag (not negative, just a red flag), ∫does not want to become a babysitter!!!! WARNING… DO NOT DO IT..

1. REGARDLESS OF WHAT ANSWER TO WHAT QUESTION, YOU WILL BECOME YOUR MOTHER'S MOTHER.
2. YOU WILL REVERSE ROLES.
3. YOUR HUSBAND, UNLESS 100% ONBOARD WILL FEEL RESENTMENT.
4. IF THERE ARE EVEN SIMPLE DEMANDS ON YOU FROM HIM, WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT, HIM OR YOUR MOTHER.
5. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY ADULT DAY CARE? THAT IS A 6 HOUR DAY, ONE DAY A WEEK, AND $50.00 PER CLASS. THAT LEAVES 24 X 7 DAYS A WEEK MINUS SIX HOURS TO HAVE YOUR MOTHER.

I am answering in a negative, because in the spirit of the way you answered it, I firmly saw that if you were not married you would do this in a heart beat.

1. DOES YOUR HUSBAND AND YOU HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE.
2. COME AND GO, SHE WILL WANT TO HAVE MEALS TOGETHER.

I tried this with my mother and father 8 years ago, and I lost my career, almost my marriage, and my mother and father ended up not speaking to each other. It was a disaster.

Remember, this is one persons point of view. I know many many people out there, that regardless of the situation would NEVER put their mother/father in assisted living.

These are the benefits.

First off, where is she where she is ALONE?
My mother has Alzheimer's and this is the best world she has lived in her 87 years of life, truly.
They have activities that they choose to go to 5 hours a day. The activities very from day to day. Each day is different.

There are three meals served a day. I gained 30 pounds by cooking 3 square meals because my father would not stop pestering me. I am 54 and would love to be anorexic now (that is a sick statement, but let me talk).

2. Alzheimer's or Dementia.

Put in a good home. Period end of conversation. Why? Because, if you do love them, you will put them with people that they can relate to and can communicate with.

There is nothing more uncomfortable for an Alzheimer person that another person to ask them what they did at 11:00am, when it is 5:30pm, or, how about Sunday at noon, we go to the museum? That means to the Alzheimer patient, we are getting in the car and going to the museum.

Answer; Assisted Living, for them and their dignity.

If it is between the two.

Is your mother ambulatory. Can she walk? If she cannot, put her in a home, they have the Physical Therapy, and she can use that anytime.

I may sound hardened, but I am thinking of the client.

I am the one that is the mother that has lived with my daughter, and it was a horrible experience. I cannot wait until the day when i move out into assisted living. I have always lived on a low budget, but it is not fair for me, and the brain disease that I have to subject my daughter and son in law to that.

I am married. I am 87 years old. I was diagnosed about 7 years ago. My daughter is typing this, and I am looking. I don't really comprehend what she is saying, but she thought that this question was important. My kids have been there far too much for their father and me. Because I have a disease that is hard to live with, and I mean very hard. I get excited and confused and do not make sense, and take hours to fold a napkin, and like to be by myself. I give my husband much grief every time I see him and I don't know the reason why.

I am saddened to see what these diseases are doing to our families. This wasn't happening to other families. I want people out there to know that I do not want to ruin any one's life and I want them MY FAMILY to have their peace and happiness. I am happy in my assisted living. I live in a one bedroom by myself. I barely recognize my husband and that is very hard. I at times, think I am married, but wonder why. What is marriage.
My husband lives with my daughter and her husband.
We have a beautiful empty home that no one lives in because my husband had an eye issue. As you can see our families plate is full.

To top it off, before I was diagnosed with this, our daughter's whom have always been close, the middle one decided to cut the younger one out of everything, and it has crushed their father and I. Father does not have any guts to tell them that this will not be tolerated.

So, I have rambled, and my daughter has typed in the words, as i walk around in a nervous jitter, and the honest answer is, keep me (your mother) in assisted living. I am (she is) not alone. Look for a different one if you do not like that one. What are her issues? Obviously she has something otherwise it would be a no brainer. The elderly when their minds are together, and they are polite and not sick, can live with daughters and sons, but that will be very boring for all.

We like to have fun too. Just because I am 87 doesn't mean I am half in the grave.

I like to be around people my age. I have issues and my brain is dying. I know it is killing my husband. It creates all sorts of psychotic issues with me, which are hard for any of my family to see.

I hope I have answered your question, and remember, this is just one person't out of a million OPINION. Let GO and LET LOVE!!!

Woman that was hit with Alzheimer's at 65 years old!!!! Now 87

I just wanted to say that after reading your post it greatly spoke to me and my situation in many parts. You were there.....I have said to people....I want to be with her when she passes , I do not want her alone or scared....I want the last thing she remembers from here to be of my arms around her or holding her hand...it is a privledge to be there....and even though I know it is going to be hard....somehow deep down I know it will be worth it .

Yes, I think you should take your mom in and take care of her. At least try. We are all human and a person can only take so much. You may find that you will be glad you did after she is gone.

Family is something that was created by God. God is very strong in his word about family and how we should treat each other.

Your house with your husband/wife and your children. You are not to let them suffer in anyway that you can help them. The same goes for your father and your mother, sisters and brothers. Your are respondisble for there well being. Helping them if they need food, clothing and if one is sick you are to help take care of them. Parents are to be taken care of in their old age. The bible is very clear on this and notes that the responsibility falls on the children.

Instructing your children at an early age will be the way they treat you when they become an adult. Children are to honor their parents - this will give them a long life on earth. Honoring your parent does not stop after you become an adult. This is for life. Your children will pick up on how you treat your parents and that is how they will treat you.

Newatthis, I hope you are still reading this thread and it has helped you come to a decision. There is another similar discussion going on, check out "needing to vent". Good luck, and remember no matter what you decide, we are all here if you need to talk.

Ultimately, nobody will be able to answer your question but yourself. I would advise careful thought, weigh the advantages and motivations for having your mom live with you. Then, consider the changes it will bring to your life and the lives of others in your home. Bringing an frail elder parent into your own home has the potential for bringing everyone closer together or tearing you all apart. Just make certain you have enough support to allow you some respite from caregiving, some time to be yourself, time to pursue your own interests, and time to attend to the rest of your family. Adult day health centers, private home care (there may be funds locally to supplement the cost), short respite stays in a local assisted living residence, and support groups so you won't feel alone in your challenges. Lots to think about. Could be the best decision you ever made, or maybe not. You might even want to engage in a few sessions with a professional counselor or your minister to help you sort out your motivations and feelings. I wish you the best.

deefer,
You are being ignored by the very people who should be helping you. You deserve so much more than this . I know. My brother is useless and mom has Parkinson's and is incontinent. Thank God she has her mind. She has been with us for 4 years. She is starting to get the message that her son is a big disappointment and may change her will. That will get his attention.

deefer 12 you are living my life and we have so much in common. God bless and good luck.

I have been caring for my Mom for almost 3 years now. My siblings asked me to leave my job last May, and care for her full time. She did not thrive the 2 times she was in a nursing home, and is much better in her own home. I have lived in Mom's 4 family house for 56 of my 58 years, and have always helped her. My dad has been dead for 27 years, Mom never drove, so I have helped her all these years. She has Parkinson's, dementia, depression and anxiety, so she is a handful. Just recently the Parkinson's has progressed to the point of her falling constantly. She just got 3 stitches in her chin on Saturday.
I have 6 siblings, 4 of who live close by. I get her up 7 days a week, dress, feed, and keep a close eye on her. She does not comprehend that she can no longer walk around like she used to. Now I have to sit with her constantly in case she gets up and falls. I had to put her in daycare 3 days a week, and have a friend come watch her 3 afternoons while I make dinner. She also gets her to bed for me. Weekends are a total wash, because siblings are always busy having a life! I guess I don't get one any more! It's a known fact that the elderly do much better at home, but you need to realize that even going to the bathroom is sometimes impossible.Please make sure you have people to help you. You will need down time. Believe me! It's very hard and could go on for years, so be prepared. It will cause a strain on marriages and family members.

You are very fortunate, Nance, wish I could say the same for my experiences. If I were to have to put my mother in a NH and something happened to her, I dont know if I could ever accept it.

What a shame that a NH was so terrible-so sorry to hear that.
Were in a small town in Michigan and the NH is very good and the staff seem to be on top of everything.
I go at dif times in the AM and PM and have never seen anything but kindness.

Hi Nance, I'm sorry it took so long to answer your question about my comment on nursing homes. I have had really horrible experiences with both parents in nursing homes here in Alabama. My daddy was in a home and had to have his thyroid removed because of cancerous cells. The day he was released from the hospital I settled him back into his room in the nursing home and left for the day to return to my mother whom I told you about( leukemia, feeding tube, etc). When I returned to see him the next morning, I walked into his room and saw tears rolling down his face. He wasn't screaming or raising a fuss, just quietly tolerating his pain. I asked him why he was crying and he said that he had not had any of his medicines all night. I thought that maybe it was his mind but I went to the nurses desk and asked to see his MAR (medications report that shows who, when, etc about meds given on each shift). THERE WAS NO MAR!! He had indeed had NO regularly given meds ( blood pressure, pain, etc) all night and no meds ordered by the surgeon!! Apparently those idiots had not even visited his room all night because if they had, you would think that one of them would have wondered who this little old man in this bed is and possible realized the , HEY, he lives here!!! Of course I had prayer meeting with the administrator, shift supervisor, head nurse on the shift, etc. Everyone was soooooooooo nice!! All were very apologetic. I should have had the place shut down. Then there was the episode when my mother was in another home in a town 25 miles south of the one my daddy was in. The doctor had put my mother in for 20 days for rehab for her back after kidney stone removal ,etc. I was there one afternoon when the nurse came around with afternoon meds. By this time I had learned to ask what every pill was and what it was for even if I recognized the pill and knew the answer. The last med he handed her was a little blue-green capsule that I had not seen her take before. I asked what it was and was told that it was geodon. I immediately knew what the drug was and what it was for. My mother was not having any problems and did not need the mind altering drug , she was just there for physical therapy!! I asked who had prescribed it and was told the doctor that was on staff at the home had. I told the nurse that I meant under no circumstances was my mother to have that med. I have her poa and did not want her to have it. The doctor had not even seen me to discuss anything about my mother. He was not the admitting doctor and we had never even seen him! But, my mother was just one of many who are given those kind of drugs to keep them quiet for the night. The nurse said the he could withhold that med for 3 doses in order for me to see the doctor and said that would be great!! Well, the next morning when I got to the nursing home, I could see my mother down the hall sitting in the day room. On first sight I thought this is good , she is up and about!! WRONG!!! At nine that night after I told the nurse not to give her the med, he came into her room, woke her up and gave it to the her along with her other meds. She was half asleep and did not realize the the capsule was the one I had told her not to take. When I looked into her eyes, I knew she had taken that med!! Somehow, about one a.m. she had gotten up and gotten to her walker , walked down a long hallway, and got as far as the day room. She was terrified! She saw worms on the floor, a man tore the boards off the wall behind her bed and came in, he had 4 children with him, who worried her to death trying to get in her pillowcase , the worms were in her roommates eyes and mouth, etc!! My mother sat in that chair with a bad back that turned out to be infection in her spine, for NINE hours and nobody called me to say there was a problem or even dealt with her, they let her sit there. There were so many other problems with both my mother and my daddy's stay in nursing homes. My daddy died there and I am convinced that he was overdosed on medications meant to calm him down. I have learned so much now that I didn't know then. I feel that my daddy was a guinea pig for my learning. But I promise my mother that nothing like that will happen to her again. So you see why I said that nursing homes are horrible places. Hope you have all had better experiences than I have.

I miss and love my Mom more then words can say.
Her body is still here, dementia has taken over, yet I told myself that I wanted to take care of her until the very end.
Our inner thoughts are never let out, instead we say, I love taking care of Mom/Dad, listening to them complain, cry, begging them to take meds, eat and cleaning up pee and poop.
Well, I guess I will be the first to say, NO, I don't enjoy it, I'd love to run away.
A stranger moved into my Moms body and I don't like her, I don't understand how anyone can say they love taking care of a situation like that.
What a blessing it would be if they would just pass in their sleep.
Oh yes, I know--what a heartless person, but like I said, I've already lost my Mom, I only have this stranger and I'm sure this thought has crossed others minds.

lhardebeck, I went through the same thing you are going through. I took my Mother out of the nursing home because of the poor care she was receiving. She lived with me for one year. She also had several trips back to the hospital for med changes. It was so nice to be able to live a "normal" life while she was hospitalized. I felt guilty because I was able to sleep all night and my washer and dryer got a nice break. It's normal to feel that way. We all feel the same. We love our parents but we also need a life of our own. I too was her only caregiver. The only time I went out of the house was when my sister would come sit with Mom for a few hours. That happenened maybe once every 4-5 weeks if I was lucky. It's a very, very hard situation. My Mom had dementia and didn't know who I was but she knew she loved me and told me that at least fifty times a day. Like you said, you are spending every minute with him now. It truly is worth it. I miss my Mom so much and would give anything to have to change her poopy diaper again.
She passed away on September 11th, 2009.
God bless you!

Wow! I marvel at all the heroes here. You giving angels are such an inspiration. Thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope, and words of wisdom. Little do you know who you will help over a rough spot today. We are blessed to have this site and each other.

hi there . when my dad was staying here i would wake up every 2 hrs to take him to bathroom . i lost alot of sleep and felt like i was caring for a baby . i got used to it after a while . now he got sick (almost lost him ) with uti . he is in rehab trying to get stronger which he is . needing to try to walk more .
well i felt alot better now i can sleep without waking up every 2 hrs , i feel at peace now . but this coming weds he will be coming back home here with me . in a way i am looking fwrd to have him back home but then again im not . cuz i am not ready to wake up every 2 hrs to take care of him . hopefully he'll sleep allnight which i doubt that , i want him home but then again i dont . i feel bad for feeling that way . he is my father i love him dearly . i know he wont be around forever . i go visit him 2 times a day and stay for few hrs theni would leave thinking i can sleep all night .
it is a very big step by taking your parent into ur home . its rough at first then it gets easier . i hardly go anywhere and when i do my daughter watches him for me . bless her heart .
i worry about him in rehab cuz i know he gets better treatment at home than he would there . low on staff and too many elders there .
i;ll do it again and again but i tell you it is peaceful when he is not here . its alot of work when he is here . its sad too to watch him becoming like a child like . like i said he wont be around forever and i get to spend every mins with him so i know its all worth it . washer machine is all the time running hahahaha .... poo and pee all the time . ahhhhhhh

Would it be possible for you to spend more time with her at where she lives now it is a big step bringing her to your home if you do is it possible for her to have her own space to live in-I would think long and hard about it first-from reading post here for about 2 years most women wish they had not done but if you could use the money she is paying now to hire help to care for her at your home esp. so you can get away for activities that you enjoy it may work out ok-could you give it a trial run for maybe two weeks to see how it goes before you decide for sure-it is a big step.

Dear Mary, bless your heart for caring for your Mom so well! My heart goes out to you. Praying for your comfort and peace. Take care, dear one! A

I am so sorry to hear of your mother's passing. I will keep you in mind and in my thoughts.
Remember you are the person you are today because of her.

And you made her last days good ones because you was with her all the way. You was there in the good times as well as the bad. But always remember you was there. It does not matter what was said, not said, done or not done.
You was with her always. It takes a special person to take care of our love ones.
Always remember you are very special.

I am sorry to hear of your Mom's passing..she was so lucky to have such a wonderful loving daughter who cared for her up to the very end. Never second guess what you did..you did the best you knew how..and with love..

am sorry for your loss . she died happy knowing u were so good to her and was with her till at the very end . bless your heart ..
i just came from nursing home and spend 3 hrs with dad duringhis lunch and walked him around and he wante dto go to bed . he was tired and told him i be back about suppertime , he s happy knowing that i come everyday and spend al the time i can with him . and i will continue to do that till his last final days .
they said they want to keep him one more week . so next weds he gets to come home .... cant wait !!
dont ever forget that youre a wonderful daughter , your mom s so lucky to have you ..

ddarkangel,
I am so sorry to hear of your mom's passing, but know this; you were a wonderful daughter who loved and cared for her mom with such grace. We are all praying for her and you and keep in your heart the knowledge that you did what so many will not do- you loved and cared for her till the end. Many blessings.
Linda

So sorry to hear of your Mom passing.
Know that you did your best-thats all we can do.
God bless you.

lhardeback,secretsister,roxie,lovingdaughter,and all the rest i cannot remember right now........My mother my angel, my mentor and best friend was born into heaven tuesday morning early. She peacefully took her last breath in no pain. The only pain is for those she has left behind. I will always wonder if I did everything right could I have handled things any better, been more patient had maybe one more good moment with her. I can only say I did the best I could, gave her all I had. I hope that I can be half of the woman that she was to me. It was a gift to be her child. I was more able because of all of your support and want to thank you all for your stories that gave me new ideas and uplifted me on long dark nites .It is still difficult to type without crying so I will be back in awhile. I hope you all are doing well. many many warm and thoughtfull embraces to all of you who are caring for loved ones. ^V^ mary

Not an easy decision either way. I tried with my Mom at my home. Only child, love my Mom, wanted her to be with us. Her Alzheimer's progressed pretty quickly. She became hallucinagenic, would wander all during the night. We tried locking down the house. She pulled the hinges off of the garage door by trying to repeatedly pushing the open button, while it was locked. She attended a wonderful day program, but became combative there and could no longer participate. Hired a day service and that worked well, still our home life became chaotic. It was difficult, but I had to make a decision based on the life of my own family. She has been in a secure alzheimer's facility for 2 years now. Does she still recognize me when she sees me, no. Some days are better than others. I know I sacrificed being able to care for her in a way that I always thought I would. There are no easy solutions.

It's really an individual decision. You have to be prepared for that kind of responsibility both financially and emotionally. I used to think it was easy and it isn't. My sister and I had a very difficult time with this. I personally believe home is the best place. But, if you have to weigh things out --how this is going to affect your family. Adult Day Care is good because it allows you to have up to 8 hours a day of going to work or having that time alone while Mom or Dad spend a day with activities during the week.

If you can afford part-time help I also suggest having someone come in to help you. You can also go to your local senior resource center like we did and sign up for free respite services. A lady would come over for 6 hours a weekend for a year. We were on a waiting list but it was well worth it. Whatever you decide--make sure you have some help!!