By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
In 8 weeks, I was bedridden from the stress of it all.
Who on earth is going to take care of all of those people if YOU end up sinking?
My mother’s “facility” is like a hotel. Meals prepared. She gets to choose what she eats. Her studio apartment is cleaned at least once a week. There is a van to take those that want to, shopping, to the library, etc. She can have as many visitors as she wants to, daily. What in the world is not to like?
Say no, stamp your feet, scream and yell. Don’t give in.
Best of luck to all of you; may you all be blessed with peace, grace, love and joy.
Cultural stuff? Yes, I get that. Cultual background is about stories that are passed down, aphorisms that become cast in stone.
"We take care of our own"
"Nursing homes are for people whose children don't love them"
"The only people who play golf are people who don't love their wives."
"Sleepaway camp is for children whose parents don't love them".
So, which of those is true?
I was brought up on l all of those and no longer believe any of them. Families, situations and cultures change.
I love this response, Barb!
She didn't like my dad, she didn't like the food we ate, she HATED being in the suburbs where she had no one her age to talk to.
My mom was bound and determined never to have to live with any of us. We helped her find a nice Independent Living facility where she made friends, enjoyed activities and outings. She was able to get herself to the onsite doctor and to Mass. She was happy.
Of course your husband wants everyone to be happy. But his version of happy and his mom's may not be the same thing.
And even if she DID want to move in, his FIRST obligation is to his minor kids and wife.
I just want to comment on the "cultural" aspects of this situation. I highly recommend the book "Being Mortal" by Atul Gawande. We are all going to die. Most of us will be old for a while before that happens. How can we assure the best quality of life for our loved ones during that period? Gawande is an American doctor, with roots in India. He talks a lot about how things have changed ALL OVER THE WORLD, that impact realistic expectations of care for the elderly. For example, "We take care of our own," might have been the best we could come up with, whether it was good for everyone or not, but "we see that our own have the best care available" might be a better approach now.
It is a very insightful and compassionate look at aging and "what matters in the end."
Then bring in a geriatric care manager to your home now, ask for an assessment of your needs, the needs of your 2 children with autism, and the prospect of adding an elderly to this mix, who cannot help out and will need care. Maybe the geriatric care manager can put some sense into your husband.
This may cost $250 - $300 for the consult, but money well spent to save your sanity and household.
As I've mentioned before on here I am with a man of a different culture. I didn't buy into it when I first met my mate and I still don't. We can set limitations on ourselves by just bowing down to cultural expectations or decide we are individuals and can do and be what we want to be. That's what I did. I have no relationship with my in-laws and yeah it can make things complicated sometimes but I don't want to even think about the alternative.
My hubs parents are 91 and 85 years old and often say "We don't go into nursing homes in our country" It's getting complicated because they are both declining and my hubs and his sisters are going to need outside help very soon. They both drop everything and run over there at a moments notice but that won't be enough soon and the in-laws will eventually need a live in caregiver especially if they refuse to move into outside care.
I don't get involved. Does that make me selfish? No, it's called self-preservation.
I am not for or against NHs. Probably I categorise them as 'unfortunate necessities', along with parking metres. Just aren't enough parking spots in the city & just not enough family members to go around!
Two generations ago the women took care of the babes & elders at home. Now women are better educated & most are in paid work out of home, the babes in childcare. Elders are home alone... So woman have been freed from childcare & elder care to have careers instead 🤣 yeah??
The other big point is family size. 10 kid families reduced to 2 now. Those 10 that lived close by, married young with grands all helping out... This gen is now 2 or 3, many interstate. Maybe all elder care left on one.
H3ll, my daughter could 'inheirit' 3 Aunts without children + her parents + future in-laws!
Call it cultural, or just modern civilisation - the maths just don't work imho.
PS no matter what anyone thinks about who should etc if you CAN'T do it then you CAN'T do it.
What time is she going home tomorrow? Don't wait too long or else she will want to stay a 'few' more days which might turn into weeks...
Perhaps, take her out to breakfast, after that drop her off at her house before noon. It might be easier to get her out of your house to eat than get her out to go home.
MIL may indeed become quite addicted (& quickly!) to being waited on. Some people confuse servitude with love..
My relative seems to lose all ability when entering someone's else's home. Expects to be waited on. Almost like a baby trying out it's powers of making Momma jump when it cries... Even wants help in bathroom.. which is why I no longer assist.
Do not let that visit blowout. Drop MIL home asap.