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Chemo is such a difficult thing to withstand, I would opt for pallative care for an elderly person with dementia.
I do not believe there is any right or wrong in this choice, whatever you decide as a family needs the support of all.
God Bless you and grant you all wisdom and strength in this journey.
L
So I can understand even questioning whether more testing is a good idea. If you know MIL's attitude when she was in her right mind, and/or you have some written guidelines, and/or she is reasonable enough to give a rational opinion now, then I think her wishes must come first.
My mom, now in moderate dementia, was in ICU last week with an uti and also a GI bleed. The GI doctor urged us to have a scope done. Her primary care doc did not think that was a good idea. A partner in that practice told us if it was his mom he would not have a scope done. (We didn't.)
Even among medical professionals you are going to get different opinions of what should be done. Certainly family members may not agree among themselves. If MIL designated someone as her health care proxy (medical POA) then that is the person who ultimately needs to make the decision.
My heart goes out to you. This is not a position any of us want to be in, even if we've agreed to take the responsibility for decision-making. Whatever you decide, if you are acting in love that is the best you can do. Please do not look back at all the "what ifs." Do what you think best and move forward.
They undoubtedly think that not treating your MIL will serve to hasten her death. That may or may not be true.
We should all remember that medical intervention can work miracles but it also can prolong the agony and devastation. Sometimes it's best to step back and let make your take its course.
My vote: palliative care if it comes to that.
BTW, you are the DIL and your husband has passed on. Maybe it's time for the bio-family to take charge of the in laws. Either by moving them into THEIR home or by locating them in a facility, either way becoming the true caretakers.
Maybe you aren't doing that because it isn't what you want, but it seems like it should be time for you to get back to your life, your children and grandchildren, no?
I take it she is your husband's mother? What is his attitude about this decision?
Maybe it is time to re-evaluate it all and look for some other solutions to the care of your in laws, They are going to need more and more care. Very likely the family members not closely involved with the care of your in laws do not appreciate your mil's downhill journey. and the amount of work in caregiving both. Nor, likely, do they know as well as you do what a "really awful cancer battle" (your words) is. I suspect that your experience with your husband dying of cancer is colouring your view. That is not a criticism, but I don't see how it cannot colour your view and I suspect you dread going through it again - understandably.
After the diagnosis is complete can you and the family sit down together with some 3rd party - professional(s) - perhaps a social worker from a hospital or doctors office and look at this whole picture and make a plan of care for your in-laws that does not rest entirely on you. I really think this is going to get too hard for you quickly and there is no reason you should be shouldering this burden alone. You are already feeling cooped up and unable to see your grandbabies and it will only get worse.
To the decision re palliative care, if that is one choice according to the docs, I would support that, but understand that some family disagrees. And btw, who has financial and medical POA? I think it very important that efforts be made to allow everyone to have their say. and to get everyone on the same page, or at least a decent majority. Good luck and keep us updated. This is a very difficult situation. ((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))
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