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-I try not to engage. If language becomes abusive I just plain ignore what was said and I change the subject or I leave the room. If it's a question I give short neutral answers.
- On the "bad" days I limit the amount of time I spend. That means doing my chore and going home as soon as I am done.
- I know it's not my fault that my folks are like this but I AM aware of certain triggers that make them worse so I try not to initiate touchy subjects. That's hard because some things need to be addressed sooner or later.
- I am well aware that time spent with my parents is draining to me. I make sure I give myself some time to recover after. Maybe a hot cup of tea and a half hour with a good book. If there is no time for that I will at least sit quietly for a few minutes and do a few breathing exercises.
-Finally, I am trying to only do what is needed and combine trips when I can.
I'm sorry you are having such trouble with this and I'm sorry for the hurt it causes you. I'm impressed that you are aware that your Dad is lashing out because he hates to be in a position of needing help. Have you ever said anything to him about that? Maybe you can include him somehow when you are helping or ask his advice. If he feels like he is still needed he might feel less angry. One more suggestion. If you have someone in your life that you trust and knows how to give a really good hug, take advantage.
Mom cannot help her behavior. You know that. Somehow I guess you have to learn to let it roll off your back. You DO NOT DESERVE IT, but she can't help it. I am very glad they have home care besides you. Could they increase the home care so you can detach yourself a little more?
As for your dad, it is hard to know how much he can help himself, but I'd start from the assumption that he is in control of his behavior and have a heart-to-heart conversation with him, when you will not be interrupted and the two of you are alone. Tell him that you are very glad you are able to do errands and small favors for him. It makes you happy to be useful to them. But his behavior toward you is unacceptable. If he continues to be disrespectful every time you do a favor you will have to stop doing favors to protect yourself. The next time he treats you badly, say "I guess my presence is upsetting to you today. I'll try again another day," and leave the house.
If over time you come to realize that your father can't help his bad behavior any more than mother can, you are truly in a hard spot. More hired care and less direct contact would be one approach to that.