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I've explained to my DW that when the time comes for me to be put in Memory Care, I want to be placed 100 miles from where we live. I don't want her nor our children to feel they have to spend everyday visiting me. I want it to be inconvenient for them, so they'll be able to get on with their own lives. I won't know any differently. I've watched both a maternal uncle and my stepfather die from ALZ. I also told the children, let mom get on with life, find a friend with benefits who she can enjoy time with, like we have for the 25yrs we've been married and dating. I have declined significantly in the last 6 mos.
I still continue to do what I am able to do for the family, and the list is getting shorter. I want my DW and family to continue enjoying life and not look back, life is for the living. Life has been good to us, we've practiced our faith and practiced it since we began dating. We've had a great marriage, I don't want her to spend the rest of her life being lonely, she has a lot to offer another man. Why shouldn't she feel free to make a new life for herself.
What does a caregiver do about sex? A few do without sex entirely, some find a "friend with benefits", some just masturbate. Most don't talk about it, avoid the answer, or flat out lie about it in order to avoid harsh judgments. I hope you find your way through this maze of care-giving. In all my life I've never met that mythical sainted caregiving spouse everyone talks about. They seem to be everywhere online but in real life every care-giver I know is struggling with one issue or another. Hang in there! Bless you.
So thank you to everyone for understanding that even at my age I still desire physical love and miss closeness and sharing that goes with it. I'm just a normal nice guy who is trying to find a way to deal with something that most people would rather not talk about.
You asked a good question, I hope you can find YOUR answer, not someone elses. What does your wife say? If she wants to make love to you, perhaps her OBGYN can help with some ideas. As one writer put it, have you talked to her doctor about this? Maybe she isn't as delicate as you think her to be. Side by side love can be very wonderful.
If she isn't willing or physically able to accommodate you, you do have a problem. Could you have a "Friend with Benefits" and keep it to yourself? Your wife should not know. It will just harm your marriage. Can you do it without being emotionally entangled? Only you know the answer. If you do go this route, I strongly urge both of you to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases before deepening your friendship.
My heart goes out to you, and remember, you are not alone out there.
Some cannot do this due to enormous guilt. Then you are telling for your benefit and not the other party.
I know people who have told me they wish they had never found out about an affair that had long been over, or especially a one night stand over a long affair. Some therapist even claim emotional affairs are more damaging because a person’s heart becomes involved over something that is purely physical.
Some people truly would rather not know.
People struggle with would they tell a friend about their spouse having an affair. I don’t think I would because sometimes they already know and they would not ever want to discuss their private lives with others. Tough call to make because it can not only harm the couple but a friendship too.
The other side side of the coin is some people would rather know. So it is terribly complicated. Not as cut and dry as some would like us to believe.
I don't have any practical tips to offer, but I also won't offer judgement. To each his own, and who am I to judge? None of us asked for this journey and we are each finding our own way. You have obviously had an admirable relationship. 45 years is a marriage to be proud of. You recognized the sensitivity of this topic, and I can guarantee you that you are not the only one who has felt this way. Those brave enough to ask it on this site before have recieved a lot of opinions. Only you will be able to make this decision for yourself. Having to make constant, impactful caregiving decisions is hard enough without having to deal with the judgement from others.
Thank you for your courage in bringing up this topic. I am a bit surprised by the levels of judgment in several responses. You may be familiar with the term polyamory. This refers to the practice of consciously exploring non-monogamous relationships. In a circumstance like yours, this may be valuable to look into. There are multiple websites and various groups that provide the opportunity to openly and honestly discuss these perspectives. There is nothing wrong with having a healthy sex drive at age 65 (or 70 or 75 for that matter). As we age and continue to take care of our health, sexual desire is simply a normal aspect of who we are as human beings (in spite of the guilt, shame and condemnation often associated with it). From my perspective, since the deepest, most unconditional love involves placing the other's needs first, it seems a perfectly viable and loving alternative for your spouse to honor your needs and for you to find an intimate partner. It takes nothing away from your existing relationship; you obviously are deeply devoted to your wife; and, this option allows you to fulfill a legitimate need. Of course, I don't know the nature of your and your spouse's history, beliefs about sexuality, religious perspectives, and so forth. I know that I plan to have this discussion with my own partner, and fully expect that we will come to an agreement that, should either one of us become incapable of physical intimacy, that the other partner would be free to fill this need in a healthy and honest way. I wish you the best in this challenging situation, and hope that you will be able to remain unimpacted by the harsh judgements of those who would project their morality, insecurities and shame on you.
Life is full of those who "dont pay your rent but want you to live there way".
I have the same situation. My wife has dementia. I feel like I failed as a man because I could not fix this already, and then the intimate part of our relationship is GONE also.
I know if it were me I would tell my wife LEAVE ME and find a new person to make your life great! She would not deserve to be ran through what is coming.
I will not leave her but I have desires. Her happiness is all I really care about. I dont have the horsepower to ask her what I should do for the warm love that I miss so badly.
I am a lucky man to have had the time we have had together.
This is just ripping me apart.
I agree that I am the one who has to live with the decisions I make.
God Bless.