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That way the care expenses only comes out of their assets and income and, having less opens up a lot more government paid services. You keep all your money for your needs and old age
you can still live under the same roof and still get their POA to make sure the right decisions and care is given to them. Use the system to both your advantages
I am writing from the unusual perspective of the patient. Three years ago I was diagnosed with Early onset ALZ at the age of 56. My DW and I had just begun the process of putting together a futures Estate Plan which we did. We have two sons in college and a 12yr old daughter that has special needs. The Estate Attorney brought up the possibility of divorcing to help shelter the estate in a Trust for my DW. She mentioned that was what her parents had to do, for all the unknown reasons, ie. how long does the patient have to live. Answer who knows. We decided not to go the route of divorce, and play the chances of moving all the property out of my name and in to a Living Trust for my DW, and getting beyond the look back period of 5 yrs, hoping I won't have to be committed to MC before the clock runs out. We do have some funding for my care that was left in my name, but once that runs out she'll not have to worry about surrendering all we've spent the last 25 yrs. building.
My focus, is getting beyond the next 2.5 yrs so my DW is financially safe. Needless to say, I adore her. Now I spend all my time doing what I can around the house, a few errands, I can do each day, and enjoy the time we still have enjoying each others company. My DW has told me she understands, and will honor my wishes. I am a very lucky guy.
How could a person that truly loves his or her spouse, who has lived with this person for a number of years, who has built a life with this person, who -before the illness- couldn’t conceive life without him or her...How can a person want to leave his/her partner behind to continue life being set free?
And can you really feel free and at peace if you choose this path?
There is no judgement hidden or implied in my question, the question comes simply from my true inability to understand how can a person leave behind someone they love. I know I could never do it, not even if I tried.
The only answer I can find is that there is no love, rather, there was never love.
A lot of responses came where people shared their own journey.
Some responses were based of of the question itself and directed at no one in particular.
However, it seems that those who do not agree with another's opinion is deemed judgmental.
When in fact it was a matter of what would you do in this case, sort of thing.
This forum is about sharing of ideas and each ones journey if they want to share. Everyone does not have to agree. But it always seems if someone gives their own opinion and the majority do not like it, then they get attacked and are told not to judge, when in fact no judgement has been placed except by those who oppose someones opinion.
One may think it is okay to leave a loved one if they change or become different and that person has their right to believe that and act upon it. And one may believe under no circumstance is it ok to do such a thing, and they have a right to believe that. But no one has judged anyone here and should not be accused of such because they state their views on the subject.matter.
1.) The society I know silently demands that I be the sainted, long-suffering, sacrificially loving wife. Tenderly brushing aside any abuse he heaps on me, sacrificing every moment of my life and health on the alter of "death do us part". Every moment of every day I live is to be spent patiently ministering to his every need 24/7 till one of us is dead. I am to be happy, oh so happy that I am honored by this chance to prove my undying love. Anytime I feel a negative emotion I am to remember how much harder he has it and should immediately feel shamed and guilty.
2.) This society I know will begrudgingly allow me to be the tragically weak but well-intentioned wife. The one who has tried and desperately desires to be the sainted wife above, but is weak and simply can't physically, emotionally and/or psychologically handle it. I can carefully select a care home to place my spouse in. Visit him every day, and by doing so, I win a bit of my freedom while avoiding "the shame". There will still be whispers, shaking of heads and a tsk tsk here and there. Society will, however, eventually forgive me my weakness. After an appropriate amount of time I can even divorce him and move on with my life. It being "understandable" since I'm not a strong woman and "so young" and did "all I could" for him.
To do anything else is to set oneself up to be smacked with the "Selfish, Disloyal, Traitor" label. Yes, many women and men consider divorcing and leaving their cognitively impaired or severely disabled spouse at one time or another. I know, because many of them have told me so, in secret. Few of them will admit so out loud.
What keeps me motivated to stay and care for pops is the choice I have made to live my own life while also caring for him. Society may hate me for "breaking all the rules", but it's working well for us and we're having as much fun as possible with the life we have been dealt. He is happy, I am happy. If it ever comes to a point that I can no longer make his life better by being in it. Then I will walk away and leave his care to others better able to do it. In the mean time I will keep breaking the rules and calling out those in my circle who try to shame me with impossible standards.
I would like to add this comment: Several people have answered this post with "put all assets into a trust so that the government pays when the time comes." Do those of you who plan to go on government welfare despite having assets available understand that you are moving your burden onto our shoulders? This is not moral or ethical. Welfare is meant to be a safety net for those who cannot get help any other way. When you take advantage of the system, you are shorting those truly in need. You also burden young families, people trying to put their kids through college, and other seniors who have their own burdens. Please have some integrity despite your difficulties.
Many wives/partners are not financially able to suddenly be on their own.
Also, in my case, legal documentation stating that he wishes to stay home till the very end, and I will do my best to honor that. But I hope its hospice dealing with him at the end and not me, I will be on the other side of the house.