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When they have reached the end of their preaching, ask them "what day they would like to come over for an hour so you can go have some "me" time."
Allow them their pause. Do not say anything. Give them time to respond. I'm sure they have never been asked this before.
If they ask, "Is there anything else I could do for you?"
Be prepared to ask for something. How about a casserole surprise? A dessert surprise? A short 10 minute visit? A prayer?
You never know because they may not "offer" because you may not "ask."
Consider: When I don't ask, then they don't know.
If they are truly concerned you may or may not be surprised by their answer.
Just accept their answer either way it goes.
Im on a seesaw with my mum, who lives with me as of May this year and I have been in burnout mode ever since, she doesn't fit categories most put on here because she keeps getting well after every fall, broken bones and mini strokes but mind is good now but even broken bone she forgets everything....I'm single no kids my life was meant to be be mine but it hasn't been for 16yrs....we are basically married to the ones we care for. I have gotten to the point now of shooting a few comments back at people who say aweeee you have such a lovely mum you should appreciate having each other....I turn and say how would you feel if this crap had been going on for 16yrs with other help because she keeps getting better every time....they quickly shut up & I can see them think omg I hope I don't have to do this for my parents. I honestly think bluntness shocks them. Which I don't even care how I come across anymore. Home care only comes max 28hrs wk....there's 168hrs in a week....no other alternative. Refuses assisted living and thinks nursing homes are to die. Yep I'm burnout and going away for 2 wks in November to try take care of me but I know what I'll be coming home to. My life sux.
My friends...children...strangers say the same things...." Oh I don't know how you do it"...or You need to take care of yourself first"!!!..lol..yeah when? or " GOD will bless you for what your doing"...i will say when my youngest son lived in town..he watched his G-ma for me so i could get away..i had a self- directed care program set up and i could pay him with..but everyone else..its lip service...give advise but won't come over to give me respite time...The son doesn't live in town anymore...you need a day-care program if its possible to take them to.they will keep them all day..i changed my self-directed to the adult day care but its tough to get her there and depends how she's feeling.but yeah..outsiders luv to give advise to us caregivers but won't offer to come give us time off.
Well intentioned people say all kinds of crazy stuff. I guess we all have at one time or another about all kinds of topics not realizing what we are saying.
I foolishly told my cousin when she said that she was going to divorce her husband that I would do whatever it took to save my marriage.
She looked at me and said, “Your husband would be worth it. He’s an intelligent man. I am married to an idiot! You have a marriage worth saving with a good history. My marriage started going downhill shortly after I married him. I am not wasting any more time with him.”
I didn’t know she was having so much trouble in her marriage. She hid it for a long time.
She put me in my place for making the comment that I said and I am glad that she did. I promptly apologized to her and never made that comment to someone contemplating a divorce ever again. I did mean well. I didn’t want her to go through a painful divorce. She had two beautiful kids. She did leave him. It was hard. After therapy though, she thrived on her own.
I think I redeemed myself with her. Her husband showed up at her apartment one day begging for her to take him back and she shut the door in his face. When she told me about that incident I said to her, “I am so proud of you!” She smiled and said, “Thanks!”
Happy to say that several years later she ended up with a great guy deserving of her.
😂😂- noooo re a month - there would have been 2 dozen “ reasons” why not possible! I’m pretty sure I could recite parrot fashion what several would be. But at least it stopped the critiques about care as too worried I might say take over then! Instead I get thanks for all I do - taken with a large amount of salt 🤣🤣
Hindsight is always 20/20!
"I guess you could always try the next time next time someone says that “Thanks for offering that would be great to have some time away - when can you come?!” At least it might stop them saying it again!"
My bets would be on it stopping the silly comments/statements!
"I tried it on my sibling after 8 years - from saying a week holiday would be great - I got one day - so guess it worked"
Okay, next time, if ever, ask for a month, maybe you get 4 days? ;-)
Gotta love those siblings... maybe.... at least my two brothers don't give me crap. I manage everything and did more than my share of getting condo ready for sale, getting mom into a safe place, etc, but they don't butt in. It would be nice to share the work, but it is what it is. Only recently, since our mother is refusing to walk and has a lot of trouble standing (therefore getting to bathroom/going/cleanup requires physical help), I have asked YB to take over appointments. The first was the long trip for Mac. Degen. treatments, it took a lot out of me! Now, I can't support her weight, so it will be doctor and dentist too. Seems agreeable to take that on. We shall see...
Never once did I think anyone should help me, and their comments never bothered me, I did my own thing. He was well cared for, I am not clinically trained, so there was no point of me trying to be Florence Nightingale.
Yes, it would have been heaven if someone had cared enough to help. Even just so I could go and pay the mounting bills for my own place that was empty.
My sibling vowed they would help when the time came - turned out they meant “morale support” via phone!
I guess you could always try the next time next time someone says that “Thanks for offering that would be great to have some time away - when can you come?!” At least it might stop them saying it again!
I tried it on my sibling after 8 years - from saying a week holiday would be great - I got one day - so guess it worked 🤣
I went out in the worse wY yet I don’t know how, and I am miserable.
I learned while I was a military wife, far from family, with young kids and husband deployed a lot....that getting help was not necessarily an option. Add in kids with disabilities and most everyone vanishes. I became only dependent on myself to get things done. That’s life for me. But I started to lose my health in my 20s because I refused to look for help, figured it wasn’t going to happen. Getting diagnosed with caregiver stress-related heart disease at 29...not cool. I had to rearrange a few things in my life and kids’ lives to allow for me to get healthy again. If I dropped from a heart attack with husband gone and 4 small kids in the house, what then?
Fast forward to caregiving not only my kids, but my disabled father too. I went right back into “nobody going to help me, so screw them I’ll do it all myself and be miserable.” I’d get the same “you need to take care of yourself” and get angry because I figured if I didn’t do all the things they wouldn’t get done. After I had to put my father into care facility after more strokes I thought, yes! My life will be good now! Except my body and brain had other plans. 10 years of disability caregiving for elder and children and not looking after myself...my physical and mental self were a ticking time bomb that went off in a big way 9 months ago. Major mental crisis and such physical exhaustion I couldn’t do even basic chores. I’m still not better, still trying to recover from what I essentially did to myself.
Yes, in the moment having someone telling you to please look after yourself, it can really grate your cheese. Like...how? And we get mad that people don’t just jump to offer. But we don’t control other people. We already know help from our friends and family isn’t really available in the way we want it to be. Then we get mad again. We don’t want to get outside help or do facilities because we think we can do it all so much better. But keep in mind, your body and brain may be plotting against you every time you say, “there’s no help.” There is help, you do have to actively seek it, and doing so may save your life. Don’t be like me...
In essence I’m managing two lives, and households within 24 hours. Doing this with a full time job and family there is no time for nails, and shoe shopping that I would like to do. The few times I tried to set aside for myself I get a crisis call about mom and off I go. Maybe it’ll get better, or maybe this is just the new normal. Your not alone in voicing your frustration.
I go to see a therapist monthly and get told I need to take care of myself that way I can take care of her, well if i don't get any "ME" time I'm not going to be able to take care of myself or her. I have missed numerous dr's appointments because she has anxiety attacks when she knows I have to go to the dr the next day.
So, I know where you're coming from and hope it gets better for you. Much Love from Kentucky <3
Told by Younger Sister (YS) that I should take a holiday. Me: come visit, stay in my home, borrow my car, mind our disabled relative? Her: No no. Taking a winter holiday - not convenient to come now in summer.
So did the research, looked into funding, toured facilities & packed the bags. Dis relative off to respite care. I did take a (short) holiday.
What? YS now travelling to visit? YS: she must be SO sad in respite care, I'm coming to go cheer her up. For 2 days (then adding a beach trip for 3 days).
Right.
Then I found my way here, to this forum. Started learning about boundaries. Started to see I wasn't alone, many others feel the same. Many *teflon* siblings out there - nothing sticks to them!!!
Vent away Ooti ((hugs))
Good luck to all
And I use the grocery store as a getaway for a little while so don’t feel bad about Walmart. Such fun.
When the CNA is here, I am doing all the stuff I that I don't get done, like vacuuming, etc. She's not here very long so I don't get my chunk of private time till evening (if all goes well and there aren't any incontinence accidents to handle). DH isn't ambulatory, so I do a ton of transfers every day and my body hurts. I am thankful at the end of the day that I can finally rest a bit.
If you are the only available care taker, that is your life right now. Take satisfaction at doing your best at the things you are able to do.
Everyone is a stranger until you get to know them. If a volunteer is part of an organisation, they have probably been checked out in much the same way as a ‘bonded’ worker from a care business. And the ‘bond’ may guarantee financial compensation for problems, not that the problems can’t happen. A volunteer may not be qualified, but if you need company for your LO’s safety while you are away, you may not need a qualification – certainly not a nurse.
This hits a nerve with me, because I had a demanding daughter who was angry with me for not providing on-demand babysitting for her 3 year old, but refused to find out about the local occasional care service because it would mean ‘leaving her with strangers’. No, she wouldn’t try a visit while she stayed and got to know the way it worked!
You are lucky if you have this option, so see if you can make it work for you. Spending time with the volunteer, and then making the first separation short, may help to put your mind at rest. Best wishes, Margaret