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Sorry, WE are the adults now. We set limits on what others ask or require us to do. Why should our parents be any different?
You have offered to have her come with you. (Your husband is very understanding to want to share a whole week with your mother.) She's having a tantrum because she doesn't want to ride with anyone but you. But this is the whole reason you are staying the week.....so you DON'T have to drive back in horrible traffic.
My thought is, oh well. I offered. She refused. I would not change my plans because she wants it HER way. She's used to being alone and she'll be seeing her son on the actual holiday. Go, have a great time and don't bow down to guilt.
As the Beetles sang, "Let it be."
But, scripturally your first priority is to your husband. I know all too well guilt. And I have yet to be ridden of it, no matter what I do. I think guilt is a tool of the devils to keep us feeling as if we are never good enough,(when we have done nothing wrong). IMO.
I feel for you and hope you can work it out, if Mom makes the choice not to go, you did your best to accommodate. And your Brother will pick her up, and she will enjoy herself at his house. It will be ok, if you go and have a good time with DH.
Pray about it.
...you make arrangements to get her home....nope, not good enough.....she wants you or hubby to drive her. Hmm Take this as a warning sign of what's to come.
Mom doesn't want to go to assisted living. She will have you jumping through hoops! I heard it said here, they'll have the illusion of living independently. However, you'll be taking care of two houses. Cooking, cleaning, taxiing, meds, showering, bills, personal finances, insurance issues, dealing with Drs. etc.......
I bet she will refuse in-home help, if she won't even accept your in-laws ride home...once.
Come to grips with this now. Set real boundaries, and stick to them. You're in for a crazy ride. And if this vacation is causing you guilt because she's being unreasonable...huh, wait..,you ain't seen nothin yet.
Hopefully Mother will let you enjoy your vacation.
I can tell how much you love and care about your mom. It's hard. I think what you have offered is more than fair. I fear if you give into your guilt you will have resentment against your mom.
I think you tried to do your best to make a fair compromise for your mom and your husband. I think it was a good one. I know your mom has some cognitive decline so maybe she doesn't understand everything you have done for her.
I've always been the daughter that tried to bend over backwards to appease my parents but I have to tell you, it leads to horrible resentment.
I hope you will find a way to enjoy your vacation. I know finding that balance is hard.