Why children of older adults aren’t as readily available for parents?

Beatty ,

I like the classic car story . My son loves old cars .

My DH’s grandfather , ate a big Sunday dinner , then sat down in his recliner, smoked his favorite cigar and , fell asleep and that was that .

This thread is a hoot 🤣

Mountains & whiskey.. fatal allergens!

There was local man (95 or so) that just drove off in his classic car, into thick forrest, not found for about a week. Maybe not intentional so maybe upsetting for family.. Just him & his beloved car, in a natural setting - sounded ok to me.

There are as many reasons for this as there are different family dynamics which a caregiver (who did not grow up with that parent) has not seen. It seems very sad of course when children don't have much time for their aging parents, and as an aging parent myself I miss my own children a lot, I get sad because don't get to see them enough so I get it. I do feel fortunate that my kids are loving and doing ok, but their jobs have moved them far away, they have families of their own, in-laws, etc and I understand what all that was like when my kids were little.

However, there are a few other reasons which come to mind in answer to your question of "Why children of older adults aren't as readily available for parents":

The older adult was/is abusive emotionally or physically toward their child and the child, for their own mental health cannot be around the parent. A subset of that is the older adult who was/is narcissistic and has always expected family members to wait on them, and to maintain their own sanity the family is now not willing to do that. This sadly seems to be very common.

Another possibility (depending on the family's culture) is of an American culture which encouraged and expected independence from family members. Parents expected their 18 year old children to move out of the home, take care of themselves and not ask for any help. In the last few decades that has become more difficult and many of those children are still struggling to make it, are exhausted already so don't have much time for anyone. Not everyone is financially able and having time for others can be a luxury. I speak from personal knowledge and experience - this is the culture I was raised in.

However, adults being in the "sandwich generation" may be the most common reason: these adult children are "sandwiched" between a multitude of commitments - meeting the needs of their own children, grandchildren, work and partner and any other commitment they have. It's not that the elderly loved one is less important, it is that the adult child is juggling so much they honestly don't have time and may even be neglecting their own personal health or needs. If you add any of the other factors like abusiveness or narcissistic behavior, the adult child is even less likely to want to have time. If they had a good relationship with their parent, they may make time to see them but it will still be somewhat limited. Many adult children have to work to age 70 or beyond, are not able to retire.

In addition, some adult children (like mine) may not live nearby and may be dealing with all of the previously mentioned factors that complicate visiting with their parent.

@waytomisery

I totally understand what you're saying. People should always be in good taste. When something does not look good anymore that's when it's time to try a different style.

My personal taste is that I always dressed tastefully. Nothing overdone or showing too much skin. That's just not me. I was never an attention seeker myself, but attention always found me.
I hear you about mothers who try to make their daughters servants. Don't I know it.
My mother has been jealous of me since about the day I was born. She was always mean and cruel about it too.

I've told her many times that I can't help that I got my father's looks. That if she wanted to reduce the risk of having gorgeous kids she should have had them with a less attractive man.

@burnt,

Go for it ! Of course we each do what we are comfortable with . I’m sure you will look great too! I admire glitter on others , just doesn’t look right on everyone, including me. My step mother in law wore strapless all over glitter for her son’s second marriage . By then she looked ridiculous in it at her age but that’s just my opinion . I’ve also always been trying not to get noticed anyway . My DH says I’ve been” trying to go through life anonymously “ since he met me . Lol. He says it’s my moms fault . He said she made me her servant . My mother even used to call me Cinderella sometimes because it’s close to my real name . 🙄 I asked my DH where his castle is .

@waytomisery

It's a matter of personal taste and age with the glittering mother of the bride or groom dresses.

If my son gets married in the next few years and he just might to his girlfriend I could very easily wear a glittering, strapless mother-of-the-groom dress. I'm still hot with a nice body. So why not?
I wouldn't do it when I'm 70 or something.

@Fawnby

I was cracking up about the Caring Daughter who now lives in a cardboard box. I was more or less thinking she now lives in a giant orthopedic shoe.
I hope that cardboard box at least has some glitter on it so she can be living her best life as a member of the homeless community.

Fawnby , burnt . I would rather blend into the wall than be all glittery . I wouldn’t wear one of those mother of the groom glittery gowns to my son’s wedding either . I wore a nice classic navy blue long dress .

Joan Collins or Dolly Parton......hmmm. Either would do. In the ten-year follow-up story, the surviving Caring Daughter, now living in a cardboard box under a bridge, will give her name as Ginderella, claiming she was driven to alcoholism by GlamGran and her sad decline only TEN FEET AWAY IN HER ONCE ADORABLE TINY HOUSE. (ADU.) And not one of her ungrateful siblings would help change GlamGran's Glittery Depends.

@ burnt.

Both styles tacky in their own ways .

@waytomisery

I'm picturing Joan Collins when I think of a GlamGram.

@Fawnby

You have a way with words, my friend. I must say. No I don't think AARP will do any follow-up stories about when the dementia sets in and those hunky-dorey families are now impoverished slaves cleaning up sh*t night and day because jobs had to be quit.

I'm so sure they will never do a story on how many marriages ended in alcoholism and bitter divorce because of an elder moving in. Or when it goes on for year after miserable and dreadful year.

I am often reminded of a line from the Oscar Wilde poem that he wrote about being in prison 'The Ballad Of Reading Gaol'.

'And each day is like a year. A year whose days are long'.

He could just as easily be describing multi-generational house where there's an elder being cared for.

Fawnby ,

Glamgran . Lol. I’m picturing rhinestones
, sequins , and feathered boa….
The Dolly Parton look .

My stomach roiled as soon as I saw it. What could make me feel so sick in about 1/4 of a second?? AARP Magazine, Aug-Sept 2023 issue, "How To Grow Your Home" article on multigenerational living. I sincerely hope AARP will do a ten-year follow-up article in 2033 to see how these families turned out.

According to this delightful (?) article, seven families built on space for Grampy or GlamGran so they can age on the premises alongside their adult grown children and their families. All is so hunky dory! Everyone is smiling! Not a word about when GlamGran gets dementia and someone needs to quit their full-time job to clean up her feces night and day. Not a whisper about Grampy when he becomes a hoarder and starts taking in feral cats. Nothing about the downside. At all.

It's about "ecological benefits." Also "transforming a garage." And "pushing ADU-friendly legislation." (An ADU is an Accessory Dwelling Unit.)

Clearly the author of the article should have spent a few months reading the posts on here. Sheesh.

@burnt ,

“ these kids today “ that grandparents would complain about…

ARE todays elderly .

@burnt and Ana I like the mountain idea and spy ring with allergen, a lot more creative than my back up plan .
The Vikings would just throw people overboard if they became a burden .

SusanGr - I don't understand your one sentence question without any further elaboration. Do you care to provide more substance? Otherwise, how could anyone respond knowing what you're implying.

Because in my opinion - if you have spent any time on this forum site and read other posts, the majority of what you will find is that the children of older adults are doing above and beyond to help family crisis situations and it's causing them to unfortunately lose site of their own lives. Plus, the parents did minimal to set up their own life planning in advance - making the situation even that much harder.

So, I fail to understand your question. Care to expand upon it?

Unless there's a typo in your post sentence....did you really mean to ask, "Why are children of older adults as readily available for parents?" Because that seems more accurate.

@Anabanana

I like it. An old-school poison ring. A classy way to go. This generation of elderly people don't understand about there being moderation in caregiving. With them (not all of course) their grown children must become actual slaves to them. Their every need and demand must be met at once by their child in exactly the way they want it met. Also, that adult child must be able to accurately predict future needs and wants without being told.

In other words, the aging senior parent expect to be the focus of their adult child's life and the only person that matters.

I remember my ya-ya when she was old. That woman could be dying and she never made a fuss. She went into care for a while. Never gave the staff a hard time at the facility and never complained.

These seniors today, SMH...

I laugh because it was always the older folks talking about these kids today.
If that generation saw what elderly people are like today.

The guilt trips.

For many of us , the elderly say jump and we say how high . I did that for years with my mother trying to please her . She passed on . I learned my lesson though .

Now guilt trips have the opposite effect on me .
The more my in laws pull that, the less time I spend with them .

Was this really a question or a statement and monitors changed it. They did on willie's discussion post.

The first Social Security check that was received was 1/31/1940 for 22.54. Medicaid and Medicare were signed into law 7/30/1965.

So before that family took care of family. My Dad was one of 8. My grandmother took both her Dad and sister into her home. By that time she had maybe 2 children still living home. The reason she took them in was her sister broke her hip and could not care for Dad who was then in his 80s. When my grandfather retired at 65, his FIL had passed. Sister was still living there and was told my Gmom could no longer care for her and she needed to go to a home. Medicaid was in effect by then. Remember, before the War we had a depression that lasted 10 yrs. Three generations were probably living together. Its only been the last several years that AL, MCs and ILs have popped up.

I have said this before, but some parents did not have the money to put away for their future care. I am from a blue collar town. Most people worked from pay to pay. With my parents, Dad supported 4 children and Mom was a homemaker. Thats how it was in the 50s and 60s. Then, Dad at 52 had to go on Social Security for heart problems and Mom was his caregiver. She did very well budgeting their money but there was no savings as such. Not to the point it would care for both of them if they needed an AL in the future.

We all know the cost of ALs and MCs. My Moms AL was 5k a month 60k a year. If she had lived 5 yrs it would have taken 300k at least and that's not counting cost of living increases. You would need to save close to a million to keep yourself in an AL for 10 yrs. Maybe you people have that kind of money, I don't and I worked.

Its not so much that parents didn't plan, I think for some the plan was their children. But as we read on this forum, parents don't always help us in helping them. What we hear on this forum is the parents that are stubborn and want things their way. Want only their children, who have lives, to care for them. In a perfect world, parents living with us should be a joy. Its not. As adults we have grown away from our parents, which is the way it should be. Because of this we have different life experiences as our parents. Its no longer parent and child, its adult and adult. There needs to be compromise and most parents don't see that. They feel entitled and thats OK if they can live on their own, pay their own bills, and are competent. They have no right to expect their children to give up their lives because they feel they have the right to. And children, they need to learn that what Mom and Dad want, they don't need to provide because their lives and families are #1. There are options out there. Dad and Mom can want what they want. But as they used to tell their children "you don't always get what u want".

I think it comes down to, children have to learn to say No and have boundries and stick to them. Mom, Dad, this is how it needs to be if you want me involved in your care. If your not willing not to realize that my life does not revolve around you, we will be OK. I am very aware that my girls have lives and I am now a part of that. One lives 4 doors down and I hardly see her but I know she is there if I need her. Same with my other one. I have already told them, I don't expect them to be my caregivers. I told them I expect to be part of their lives like invite to Thanksgiving dinner. I don't want to be forgotten. I am Mom and I was a good one. Perfect, no. But a good one.

Burnt - no ice flows, whiskey or bears for me. I’ve asked my kids to get me one of those spy rings with a secret compartment. Easily opened, in case my fingers become arthritic. I’ll fill the ring with my allergen. I love a simple plan.

Entitlement clashes. Just as my mother felt she was entitled to my service, 24/7, in her home, I felt just as strongly that I was entitled to work, marry, have children and live my own life. I was pregnant with my youngest the year my mother turned 80. I was fortunately able to stay at home with my children. But my mother wanted me in her house, and seeing me daily (we were neighbours) while I went back and forth between our two houses to help her (at all hours) wasn’t enough for her and she raged.

She attempted suicide to make her point but, instead of getting me 24/7, she is now in care.

I still feel I am more entitled to live the life of MY choosing than the life SHE chose for me.

I'm not sure I understand the question....are you asking why fully functioning adults aren't putting their lives on hold so their parents don't have to change their lives? If that is the question can I ask why you would think they should do this?

After dealing with my father my eyes are open to planning for my future. Between pension and SS I will have enough for a decent AL. Proceeds from selling my house would only be needed in the case of NH. I will know my limitations when the time comes to care for my husband who is 18 years older than I am. I will try and care for him at home but I will be ready to admit when it gets to be too much for me.

@Matty

Don't tolerate a second of whining or orneriness from your mother. I was a caregiver for 25 years and I never tolerated this kind of behavior from my clients. I refuse to tolerate it from my mother either.
Same as me, if I ever complained or whined like my mother does there would have been serious consequences. Your mother 'not wanting to live like that' is pretty common. My mother pulls the same thing. She's adamant that she will never go into a "home". I tell her truthfully that yes she will be going into a "home" if homecare fails because I will not move her in with me and be her caregiver. I already did that and my life was miserable.

@waytomisery

"They probably just dropped dead one day like they all used to back then".

I just laughed so hard I almost spit my coffee on the computer.

No truer words were ever spoken.

I think the Eskimo people got it right. When the elder didn't die but got to the point where they couldn't chew the leather anymore they got put out onto the iceberg.
For me, I told my son leave me on a mountain with a bottle of nice whisky. A wolf, grizzly bear, or mountain lion will take care of the business at hand.

Your profile says that you live out of state and your parents are in assisted living.

So really, why would you be asking such a question?

The children of these 'older' adults are not as readily available for their parents because they moved out of state like you did. Or because they have jobs, homes. marriages, families, bills, responsibilities, and lives.

They can't just walk away from all this or put it on hold to become a 24 hour caregiver and companion to their elderly parents.
That's not how life works.

I don't know if you have children of your own but it breaks a parent's heart when they have to put their baby into daycare because they have to work and earn. There's no other choice sometimes. This is life. It's also life when a person can't or won't just pack it all in to become the caregiver to an elderly parent.

I don't judge or blame anyone who refuses to become the caregiver to their needy and elderly parents. People are supposed to plan for their old age. Not just assume that their children will be their old-age care plan.
That's selfish and wrong to do if parents actually love and care about their children.

I agree with cwillie that American tv shows like The Waltons have totally romanticized the elder care reality for most people. That, plus immigrated cultural expectations plus the assumptions of our parents = pressure on the adult children to enter into a caregiving arrangement that was never sustainable (in the 21st century) and burns them out.

Because I’m burnt and tired from taking care of my (now deceased ) parents . Some of us were groomed for servitude and did too much . So now I am not as available to my FIL who is in AL , or my MIL who is at home . I just don’t have the bandwidth for it . The well is nearly dry.

Damned because I did too much , damned that I’m not (now).

Oops I meant my 90 year old father in law .

Matty,

We have the same with my in laws . They both decided their lives would not change no matter how old they got . And now that it has , they alternate between denial and shock but still don’t make adaptations . FIL was in shock when he ended up in AL , and still denies he belongs there. We are getting ready to tell FIL we can’t lift him in and out of the car anymore. We have run out of excuses why we don’t take him out anymore . He will be in denial and shock over it and pitch a fit . My in laws are divorced. Mother in law falls a lot . She refuses a walker , stair lift , grab bars , set up POA . Her mantra is “ I wouldn’t want to live like that “. ( So she will not make any provisions ) I give up.
She’s planning to go to Florida again this winter for a few weeks. I hope she doesn’t take a big fall down there and up in the hospital and call my DH to go down there and rescue her . DH will be really mad .

I have to agree. The whining that my mother performs is amazing. If I had done that when I was a kid, I’d have gotten slapped across the face! She just will not accept that as she ages she’s going to do less and less. She made absolutely positively no provisions for growing old, she thought she would just die in her sleep at 80. Oops! I’m sure our grandparents never went to the doctor, unless there was something very wrong indeed. Many illnesses went undiagnosed and our grandparents just simply dropped dead in a relatively short amount of time. Now extraordinary measures are made to keep old people alive. I’m not entirely sure which is better. I’m taking care of my grandkids most days. That’s enough whining and selfishness, I would never try to take care of my mom. Or if I did, she would be sitting in an adult daycare right now, and she wouldn’t be happy about it. My brother doesn’t have a family to take care of, but he’s got his house and a very stressful job and health issues of his own.

There is a sense of entitlement these days that I did not see in my grandparents, that I see in the elders these days. My grandparents adapted to their age without the whining, and demands to help them maintain a false independence. It triggers avoidance by the children .

Fawnby,
Excellent point. I cared for my parents in my mid 40's through mid 50's . I know I had more energy back then than I do now.
And now my almost 90 year old father does want to be waited on, catered to and entertained by us even though he is in AL.

Older adults have had lots of time to plan their retirement and to fund the care they will need. Most or many didn’t. They are living into their nineties.

Their own adult children are usually in their seventies. By that time everyone has a health issue of their own. It may not show, and they may not have confided to their very elderly parents that they have to have rest periods because of arthritis, or have bowel issues, or heart problems. And the nonagenarians expect to be waited upon, catered to, etc.

I resent the many years I was responsible for my 90+ year old parents’ care and dying. That’s not unusual.