What will we do differently?

What am I doing differently, now that I've been a caregiver twice?

Not a darn thing.

Life has been crazy busy and I'm just now reading all these posts, but love seeing great thoughts and suggestions here. Especially like the ideas of writing down wishes about what I do and don't like, favorite recipes (I cook like my mother and grandmother did, little written down) and paring down possessions so there's less to deal with. None of us is getting out of here alive, so I think it wise to plan ahead. Thanks for sharing!

Mother worked in her salon until age 99 and mowed her own grass until age 97. I should have let her go on with her dignity long before age 104. Love does such strange things. At 103 she was still helping out with dish washing and making her own bed. I should have let her go before she became unable to live alone, but she was afraid to die and I couldn't bear to lose her.

104 is too old if in bad health. I don't want to live out of my 80s. I do like a list of likes and dislikes. I've already told my girls if I'm in the hospital unconcious make sure I have my panties. No machines beeping. And I am warm.

I like rarefind's story. Yes - it would be O.K. for my skeletal remains to be found 5 years after my death if nobody cares enough to come check in before I die.

Maybe I'm in denial (Cleopatra "Queen of De-Nile) I hope that I will not live long enough to be a problem for my kids. I can't imagine myself at their mercy. Mother lived to be 104 and I cared for her for her last 5 1/2 years. She worked and lived in her own home until then- age 99. We never had to use Medicaid. She had VA aid and attendance + social security. I pray to die before any of the nightmare begins. I like the friend's long vacation mentioned by Jinx4740.

I have also begun to pare down my possessions and organized my possessions. I read the book "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" and it has really inspired me to reduce the clutter in my life. I am hoping that when it does come time for someone to dispose of my possessions, they find it a pleasurable job of handling a finite number of things that reflect what I have loved....things that others may receive value from if sold or would treasure if kept for themselves. And I also think it is also important to discard, anything that would cause emotional pain if a relative would come across it. Family caregivers have enough stress without finding a bombshell among your possessions long after you have the capacity to explain.

I also think it is nice to leave a note or poem or essay that would be comforting or uplifting to whoever disposes of your things...when my Dad died I really was comforted to find a sweet short story about a mouse he had written. I treasure the poems and stories my mom has written and we read them together now.

If you have recipes that the family loves...be sure to write them down and share them or they will be lost forever. I just realized my mom's potato salad recipe was never written down and she has now has no memory of how she made it.
The same with photos...write down who is in them on the back, if you wish the people in them to be known and remembered.

In case I develop dementia, I always thought it would be helpful to write all the little idiosyncrasies of my own care down for whoever might be caring for me. We know our own bodies and systems the best. Also the things that make us unhappy or happy. I am fortunate to know my own mother pretty well, but I still learn some new likes and dislikes from her.

Examples: "If you don't do this, this will happen" or "If you do this, this will happen" "Never let me eat ______" "I always eat _____ after meals every day". "I tend to feel pain here, when I ________ and this is how I deal with it." "I develop _____ unless this is applied." "I despise eating ________" "Perfume makes me ill" "I love/despise (red tulips, visits with dogs, children, _____ music)" "I can't stand to (have my hair fooled with too much, wear anything around my neck, to have my nails filed, wear socks with seams, etc.)" "Please continue to send a birthday/Christmas card from me to ______".

I think it would be a good idea to give this to a family member while you are still able to make your needs known and ask them to ensure it is given to whoever will be caring for you and included in the folder with the advance directives.

Our banks can help us, but it's also us up to us to help ourselves. I recall a time years ago I got hit with fraud through a mistake I made. The bank would've never known unless I went in and reported the incident and the situation involved. Fortunately, I was able to get most of my money back, but not all of it. Sometimes we can make mistakes when were young but learn from them. It's up to us to protect ourselves because as I learned in high school, people are always going to be there to help you, you must help yourself.

1Rarefind: Your bank will be your first line of defense for fraud protection.

1RareFind: There is no need to set up all that confusing banking stuff. If your bank is a good one, they have a security person(s) working on that 24/7. It's called fraud prevention. Purchase Life Lock ID fraud protection also.

Fedup: Let me say I am sincerely sorry for your situation.

Wow! That sounds very scary to have someone suddenly go missing. It makes you wonder whether they had Alzheimer's and wandered off or if they were kidnapped. I hope whoever this is you safe. You should always carry some form of identification Justin case, because you never know when you may actually need it. I wonder if the person was ever reported missing? Around here I think it's about 24 hours before cops can do anything. Another scary thought is maybe the person who was missing could've actually been laying dead in her home, is this a possibility? I heard a sad story of a similar case years ago of a lady who wanted to be left alone, and she got her wish because five years later her skeletal remains were found inside her home. What happened is I guess the taxes were behind and they had to go in and recover the house, which is when they found her skeletal remains.

I haven't started yet, but I plan to visit every NH and ALF within 10 miles well in advance of my husband's need. I don't want to have to guess at the last minute which are good, acceptable or unacceptable.

A friend of mine "disappeared" leaving her answering machine ringing busy. There was minor panic because she is single and childless and lives alone, and none of her friends or siblings knew where she is. Someone is "pretty sure" she's on a long vacation! I want to be sure that I have a list of people who know where I am supposed to be, who will notice within a few days that I am missing!

Continuation sense my post got cut off due to limited space

It's just not a good idea to fall for any thing that will get you in trouble later should something go wrong. For instance, I may need a car right now, but I don't need it so bad that I'm willing to risk losing it along with all of the money previously paid. I'm just not that desperate.

I should mention how to handle third-party debts that are (by law) a long priority as long as they're not secured. If you ever have a problem with a miscellaneous creditor at a time you're falling on hard times or maybe have already fallen on hard times, pay your mandatory immediate household needs first because these are top priority by law, and no creditor is allowed to harass you. You can ask them to stop all communication if they start bothering you too much. I would suggest giving them a cease and desist order from the start, because I learned from experience that once you start talking to these people, they won't leave you alone no matter what because you won't be able to get rid of them. The only way they will back off is if you demand they stop all contact and that you will get to the bills as soon as you possibly can because you have every intention on paying them. If they contact you in the future, you have grounds for a lawsuit. Becoming familiar with the fair debt collection practices act is a smart move because you will discover that you really don't have to give any information unless you agree to give it. Don't get caught in the trap of giving them any information, because they will most likely pry information from you about your bank accounts and your assets such as your home or car. Do not give this information out, best yet, don't even speak to the creditors. If you applied for a secured loan, try working with that creditor to see about resolving the debt because they may very well be able to work with you. To be honest with you, I don't think it's a very wise move to put anything up for collateral since it puts those assets at risk if you fall on hard times. You might look into a personal loan if you really need it, and if they require collateral, then you really don't need the loan that bad if you really think long and hard. Avoid debt at all costs because if you fall on hard times, you can lose all of your money, your home, and your car. You can lose everything and be sitting on the street with nowhere to go. This happened to a friend of mine years ago when her husband got hurt on the job and became disabled to the point he could no longer work. They were buying a house at the time, and in the process of getting the right help, they ended up losing the house along with everything in it. This is why am glad new programs are out there to help stop foreclosures, because all these people left with where the clothes on their back's and their car. I was there when the sheriff came that day, I'll never forget as long as I live. I'm such a strong believer in avoiding loans, especially knowing so many of them are predatory. Taking out a loan of any kind is actually a very big risk regardless of the amount, because there's always a chance you could default through no fault of your own, which is the case in so many cases more times than not. This is why there are new programs out there to help stop foreclosures. I recall another time years ago when our town was actually half empty because of the housing foreclosure crisis. People were losing their homes left and right and more and more homes were standing empty. Then one day I heard there was a new law passed to help stop foreclosures, and the crisis must've been more widespread than just our town for such a long to kick in so fast. They had to do something about the housing crisis because we would've had more than just homeless people living on the street, We would've most likely seen a huge crime increase because apparently half or more of America was going homeless with many having nowhere to go. When you get a bunch of people living in the street, there's going to be riots sometime along with other homeless problems. I'm so glad it was resolved, but I don't know how many people were actually restored back into their homes. Knowing how bad things can get if you fall on hard times is exactly why falling for a loan is never a good idea because it could backfire on you if you fall on hard times. The same thing goes for car ownership through the bank, I would much rather have no car rather than to lose the car and all of the money I previously paid and have nothing to show for it if I ever fell on hard times. In so many cases where someone has so little money and is trying to get ahead only to suddenly have a situation come up through no fault of their own, taking out a loan will actually put you in a worse place later if you lose your major purchase and all of the money you paid. If you ever watched a show called operation repo, this would give you an idea of what the repo man actually deals with because people are nasty when losing a car, especially if they happen to have fallen on hard times through no fault of their own. You don't want this happening to you, especially not in your golden years, and especially not if you worked your whole life to get what you have now only to lose it all. I would never take out a loan for anything.

Daughterof1930: You rock! What a great post. Here are some ideas #1 put into your investment portfolio long-term health care, #2 modify your home with a chair lift, #3 get a walk-in bathtub, #4 prepay ALL of your funeral expenses and #5 update your will. That's just for starters.

1Rarefind,
We already have the shower seat, a toilet seat, rolling walker, wheelchair and other healthcare items from taking care of parents.
As for selling the property....as I stated we can IF needed. We are neither one ready to stop living here and have a lot of plans for gardens, cattle, chickens, orchards, etc. These may not be your idea a a good and happy life/hobby but it is for us. We both have cell phones and our daughter and her family live on an acre here and are active as well in "the farm".
We are five minutes from everything we need and only 25 minutes or less by ambulance (if needed) to several award winning,highly rated hospitals.
We have absolutely NO desire to live in town. Your advice is duly noted but we will continue to pursue our dreams. The property is situated in such a manner that we can sell all or part as/if needed and still be in the smaller house with a garden and chickens...

What can we do now? Get out of the mindset our parents have. Since in the 60s, the lifespan was 65, our parents probably didn't think they'd live as long as they did. Times changed, children live hours/days away. Because the media has said "u can stay in ur house", this is how they think. As we know as caregivers, this can't always be. We as caregivers can now see where our parents are/were wrong. Personally my husband and I are trying to look ahead. We have invested money. We own our house and are looking to downsize. I don't expect my girls to give up jobs to care for us. I do expect them to make sure we are safe and to do what they can to insure it. POAs will be set up. We could do research now to what is available to seniors in our areas so when the time comes we can take advantage of it. Try not to take on extra debt. If you don't have one, take out an insurance policy to cover funeral expenses. Then take the policy to your funeral home and do funeral arrangements. Have the mindset that things may change as we get older and that we r going to have to go with the change and not fight it. Make things as easy as we can for our children and ourselves. A number of the elderly in our church downsized years ago. They live in an apartment complex. When they pass, all their children will have to worry about is cleaning out an apartment. My Mom had her bills set up that if not paid, I was made aware of it. After Dad passed, we had her will done and POAs put in plàce. Keep good records and keep records up to date. Make sure at least one child knows where to find important papers. Be as independent as possible.

Actually, I found it easier just to probe into my online transaction history than to keep an actual book. The bank I'm with actually keeps those records for you, and all you have to do is pull up your transaction history for that account

I think we need more info. I'm assuming ur afraid someone will steal u checks? If the bills are monthly, like utilities, set them up for automatic withdrawal. Youcan close your credit cards once they are paid off. The bank will give you a debit card that deducts payments from your checking account. You will need to keep records of these deductions by using ur check register. If you feel uncomfortable putting someone on ur accounts, don't. The downside is if u become incompacitated, no one can pay ur bills.

Just a solution in case you're in a similar jam where you can't really have but a small amount, you may try some kind of alternate way of putting away some money into a CD or even an annuity. See what your bank has for you to help you protect your benefits as well as your finances. There are split decisions over using a trust because I now know why. Many people are very leery of turning the ownership of their money over to someone else because there's no guarantee the trustee won't misuse your money, because there's really nothing stopping them (since it's now their money). I learned this from a lawyer when I was inquiring about something a while back, and if I were to save up some money, I would not feel comfortable using a trust knowing what she had to say. The only other alternative would be to try an annuity and a few CDs.

I've heard that you're in Ohio, you can only have up to $1500 in order to qualify for Medicaid. That's a far cry less than what you guys are allowed to have over there, and $1500 will definitely not go far over here because $1500 won't even last that long. However, on the other hand, last I knew, Social Security allowed you to have up to $2000. I think most people around here or more likely to go for the $2000 and sacrifice Medicaid for their own insurance

If I am able to make any sane of life, and if I become incapacitated to the point that I require long term care, my intention is to walk out as far as I can into the ocean, then swim out as far as I can and surrender. I watched my mother become mentally incapacitated. I don't want to live.
My assets (two houses with mortgages) are all in a family trust. I am the trustee, but upon my death, it goes to my children.

In reference to Medicaid and nursing homes. Basically, here in SJersey Medicaid only pays for longterm nursing home. This is where you share a room with someone. The only AL that excepts Medicaid you need to have two years of money at least then you sign up for Medicaid. You can stay in the room you've had the previous two years. Another AL, as long as u have the money you can stay there but when money runs out, its to nthe nursing section once Medicaid takes over.

Doodlebug, it sounds like you're off on the right foot, good for you! Yes, the no lip shower is definitely a very good idea. There are also walk in bathtubs. It's always wise to think of our futures because we never know when we may actually find ourselves needing those special features. Even if we don't, they're always very nice to have as a safety precaution anyway to reduce the risk of injury in a shower or bathtub. You may also invest in a bath seat so that you can sit while showering. If you have low spine arthritis like I do, having a bath seat is definitely a smart move if you can't stand or walk too long without pain. Another thing you may consider is whether or not you really want to keep and maintain 17 acres, that's an awful lot of land. Years ago I knew someone who was up in age and he maintained 16 acres but with the help of a big tractor. He had to constantly mow that field during mowing season because he had a small herd of horses and ponies. They all ran free except if we had studs and stallions on the property. If we did, we had to first put up the girls so the boys could run loose for a while, so all of the animals had a chance to run free. Having a lot of land is much easier to maintain with a tractor, but forget it if you don't have one, because that much land requires a pretty big tractor. When you have a farm like we did, there are multiple duties, and having the right help for some of the chores is actually very advantageous, especially if the owner happens to be up in age. You really don't want to be living alone on that kind of land without access to some kind of help in the event of an emergency should you collapse and you're laying out there all alone in the field. If it's a major emergency and you don't have a cell phone on you, you're most likely to die out in the field. I pitied my friend who had the farm because he had no cell phone and he lived alone on 16 acres with multiple horses and ponies. He burned his own trash in a certain spot on the farm, transported and stored hay bales in the loft, and when I was young I guess I really didn't think much of this whole situation. Now that I'm older, here is what I saw could've happened, because one of the trash fire ever got out of control, one of the horses got spooked and not just kicked him but really kicked him, or worse yet, trampled him? I'm not saying that there was really any chance of this happening unless we happen to have a horse that was too mean for anyone to be around. If my friend who was a grandpa to me would've had a heart attack and he would've been alone out in the field? He had no cell phone and if something would've happened out there on the farm away from the house, he would not have been able to call for help in a major medical emergency. This means he would've most likely died out in the field. He would've laid their dad until someone would've came by and found him. I lived in another town at the time and didn't have a vehicle. The horse trainer was the one who came around every day to do some chores and work with show horses. Having someone run in and out of your property all daily can actually become bothersome, because you do need some time to yourself. That's why you should set a time when it's good for you to have visitors so that you don't get visitor burnout.

Have you ever thought of maybe selling some of your land or downsizing to a smaller property? This will help put you closer to neighbors and even the local hospital as well as other things that are within walking distance if you live anywhere near downtown. Small towns are actually nice since they're more laid-back. Living within the city limits means less lawn to mow depending on how big your land is. Everything in town is more easily maintained than it is out in the country as you get up in age, unless you're one of those really strong fighters. If you're anything like my pappy was, he even drove well into his old age as well as planted a garden and ran the farm. I don't know what happened, what his biological kids decided that he no longer needed to drive. He was always a very safe driver and never had an accident in his life, no tickets either. I don't know how his kids came to the conclusion to get him off the road, but I think this marked his demise because sometime after he quit driving is when I think he started going downhill and eventually died. Sometimes giving up your independence can be overwhelming in some cases, so choose wisely in whatever you choose to do.

My husband and I both are 60 and we are putting in place long term care insurance that includes home care. We have been up front with our financials with both our children. I have suggested to our daughter that she regularly read the posts here on agingcare. There is a lot of invaluable info here. Due to my experience caring for my parents and in-laws I have shared what I feel are good tips with her (far too many to go into here).
We are in a position right now to start converting an efficiency apartment/guest house on our property into a retirement home for the two of us. It could also be used for an on site caregiver if need be. We are fortunate to have 17 acres with the main house on two acres which we could sell if needed and still live on our property in the smaller house therefore negating to some extent the need to move to unfamiliar places.
We are installing handles instead of knobs on the doors for ease of use when our grip is not a firm as it is now. We are changing the shower to be a no step over lips for ease there as well and also handrails where appropriate.
These are small steps but ones we feel will help us age in place as long as possible. We are doing these things a step at a time so financially it is not a burden.
Funeral plans have been made as well as a will. There are many things left to be done but as we are still mentally sharp and in good health we are moving forward with what we feel are priorities for us.

Check thefts and how they're being stopped and prevented through direct deposit

Do you remember when Social Security was mailed? There were so many times people have reported either not receiving checks or that they were stolen. Some of these people receiving Social Security were most likely at work, and no one was home at the time. I don't know how faves managed to cash those checks and get that money that was clearly not not theirs to take. I would've thought there would've been too much chance of getting caught by the bank and found out, which is what made me wonder how thieves were getting by. Too many lost or stolen checks caused Social Security so many problems they now directly deposit your check right into your bank account. I've never been on able to get a bank account, but if you happen to be one of the few who can't for some reason, you can order one of those cards from Social Security and have all of your proceeds for that month deposit it onto that card. Last thing I knew, Social Security had these little prepaid Social Security cards. I've never used one, but if you ever need to use one because you can't get a bank account for some reason, you would have to call each company you pay each month and give them the card number just like a regular credit card. Those cards act just like a regular card from what a friend of mine was telling me when he found out about them a while back. It's not really as convenient as everything I've described setting up for myself, nor is it near as easy or stress-free as what I have going. Everything I described here is sure to make your life much easier, guaranteed. I had to discover the ass and try it for myself to discover it to be trustworthy, and if it were not trustworthy I wouldn't of gone to all of the trouble to describe everything here.

Kateobl, it looks like space is limited on here but this is still more answers to your question but has a lot of answers many answers and solutions, and I think maybe this site might consider having an article section where I can actually share this information, because everyone can use it

Continuation

This can only be done if you yourself consent and share your banking info with them. This is a very high risk that should be avoided, and this is exactly why you should never ever ever do business with anyone who "requires" access to your bank account.

I'm going to share a personal experience that I did face a while back:

My story and how I prevented access to my bank account

One time I went to order some affordable TV service. I gave my information until they finally brought up payment.

They mentioned but I would need a credit card to pay for installation.

I told them I don't have a credit card.

I kept silent and let them do the talking after this until the man on the other end brought up the fact I should have a debit card attached to my bank account. I think I made the mistake of saying yes because he kept pressuring me to give him the numbers. I would not, and instead asked him to send me a copy of the bill so I can set it up from my end. He refused, so I hung up and never called back. Never, ever ever ever let anyone trick you into gaining access to your bank account or even your card number. If they can't send you a copy of the bill, don't do business with them! If there really as good as they claim, and if there really is legit and reputable as they claim, they will honor your request and not pressure you for banking info after you've already made it clear you don't give that out or allow access to your bank account. Further pressuring after you've already made it clear is a huge red flag on the company's part. They should be reported immediately to the local BBB in the area where they're located.

Now that you know what I do about checks, you're also know why I don't use money orders or travelers checks anymore because all of my transactions are online and paid by prepaid plastic.

Prepaid cards outside of your bank

Be very wary of other prepaid cards that are not from your bank because these can actually charge a fee, and they are an inconvenience to reload. Your best bet is to just stick with your own prepaid card from your own bank since there are no fees as long (as you don't overdraft). The best way to avoid overdraft fees is to have your account set up by your bank manager to not even overdraft in the first place. Again, the only way they can ever overdraft in this particular case is electronically through an online bill transaction. This is why I have two separate accounts. One account is only for my bills, the other account is only for my extra money, (where all of my extra money is automatically transferred each month).

OK, now that you know how are you live the easy way, you'll know why I can get so much done and so little time without ever leaving my home. It's nice to be able to be doing my own thing while the bank takes care of my bills for me with the computerized system. This is actually more reliable than worrying about depending on someone else, because humans can forget, computers cannot.

Receiving checks for deposit?

Encourage whoever provides your checks to go direct deposit if it's a reputable company like Social Security.

Receiving personal checks?

No problem! See if you can do a bank to bank transfer where your money can come straight from the other bank into yours and deposit into your account! Eliminating the need for checks is also easier for the mail carrier (and it's less likely for a check to be lost in the mail) or even stolen by a thief snooping through people's mailboxes.

Check thefts

Do you remember when Social Security was mailed? There were so many times people have reported either not receiving checks or that they were stolen. Some of these people receiving Social Security were most likely at work, and no one was home at the time. I don't know how faves managed to cash those checks and get that money that was clearly not not theirs to take. I would've thought there would've been too much chance of getting caught by the bank and found out, which is what made me wonder how thieves were getting by. Too many lost or stolen checks caused Social Security so many problems they now directly deposit your check right into your bank account. I've never been on able to get a bank account, but if you happen to be one of the few who can't for some reason, you can order one of those cards from Social Security and have all of your proceeds for that month deposit it onto that card. Last thing I knew, Social Security had these little prepaid Social Security cards. I've never used one, but if you ever need to use one because you can't get a bank account for some reason, you would have to call each company you pay each month and give them the card number jus

One final thing to remember

You really don't need any checks for your checking accounts anymore. In fact, not having any checks at all is another level of personal protection so that no one can get a hold of your account and routing information. You don't really need checks at all anymore, this is a new century, not the old days. In fact, one of our local stores even screwed the check platform shut. I noticed this when I went to set my purse on the platform and it was screwed shut (most likely by maintenance). It would've been more accessible from a wheelchair since it was on a lower level than the counter.

Another thing to remember is that so many places no longer even take personal checks. That's because too many people can write a bad check, intentional or not. More and more places I've noticed are more in favor of card readers.

OK, now for my biggest surprise

For the most part, I don't carry cash, and haven't for quite some time (unless I'm going to the laundromat). Not carrying cash does have its advantages:

* No germs that can make you sick

* No change to drop or get lost

* Transactions are a snap, just swipe your card, pick up your goods, and go! (much faster than handling cash and counting change).

* No one can get anything from you whether by robbery or a predatory person trying to get something for nothing through stealing.

* Have you noticed that (some) of the newer wallets are actually getting smaller? Ever notice how they have less space for change or paper bills? That's because fewer and fewer people are carrying cash and more and more people are opting for plastic.

* I never shop at a cash only place as much asabsolutely possible because these days, any establishment not having a card reader (these days) is (very) suspicious. I only shop at places with a working card reader. That way, my bank can record a record of my transactions. You can also keep your receipts, having receipts will definitely be very helpful in returning and exchanging a faulty item. On those receipts, you can mark what you bought in your own writing. That way, let's say you bought a blender that you discovered doesn't work. Let's say you kept the box and maybe even taped the receipt to the box. You load up your blender and return it to the store with the receipt already on the box. This is when the receipts are very handy.

It's good to shop online from the comfort of home 24/7.

Online orders always come with an invoice or receipt. When you order from eBay, always make sure you have a PayPal account set up with your extra money account where all of your scheduled automatic transfers go. Remember, this is not the same account as your bills are coming out of, this is the other account for your (extra) money. This is the account I would have tied to my PayPal account. This is how I make my online transactions. If I order something from eBay, check out is definitely a snap from the comfort of home. You can order many household goods online without going to a physical store and fighting for a parking space, especially a good one. Online shopping is very advantageous, especially around busy holidays. Staying home and shopping online will lessen the chances of your car being vandalized or even stolen in a place like a busy mall around those busy holidays. Now I know why Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz said, "there's no place like home!"

Would I recommend online bill pay?
Absolutely!

Why?
Convenience, and that it makes your life easier because the bank system actually pays your bills for you (out of your account) through their system.

How long have I used online bill pay?
Several years.

How did I discover online bill pay?

For many years I avoided online bill pay because I was afraid of losing money until a banker revealed the strategy that I shared here. It took a long time for me to finally try online bill pay, but I started with only one very small bill for about at least a month or two, maybe a little more. When I saw how reliable the service was, I then started adding more bills until I had all of them coming out. This is why I can go to the beach during the summer on payday or stay in bed all winter while the world just goes on around me because my bills are already covered. I don't even have to go out or pick up the phone all month.

Is online automatic bill pay safe?
Yes, providing you to set up the bill from (your) end. This is where you'll need the account number from the person with whom you have service, such as telephone service.

What if someone says it's "required" to access my bank account for payment because that's how they do it according to policy?

This is where the problem is, and I've heard nightmares of people who have fallen for this, and they got double dipped just because of this so-called "convenience" of having a company come in to collect payment from your bank account, (only for them to get greedy and take more then the agreed amount).