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" I need to go to the bathroom !!!"
She didn't head to her bathroom ( with all the ada equipment but back to her chair waiting for me to stop what I'm doing , get her and head off together to her bathroom... all for a gas !!!!
I don't know if I would make it through the day ( and night) if it wasn't for this site and all the suggestions , stories that hit home and sense of humor when needed most !!!
Time to find a college kid, retired person, a caregiver from an agency, or get that brother, sister, fam member who won't step up and help. Now it's their turn.
You are now going to put yourself back on the list of allowing yourself 'personal time'. Stop feeling guilt, or let family members make you feel guilty. They are good at that, bc they don't get stuck with the job. Teehee.
Go take a walk at a park, a bath, sit and relax, make a phone call, go to a movie, lunch. Whatever. Do what you have to do to get your life, your health, and your sanity back. Martyrs usually get killed off in the end. Stop being a martyr. It's not bad to ask for help.
I'm sure you didn't have children just so decades later you could suck the life completly out of them. Don't let it happen to you. Now go and be proactive. Make that phone call!!!!
I was watching Tiger Woods play recently and my 80 yo brother asked if I played. I told him I did not. Another minute goes by he asks again, no I reply a 2nd, 3rd and 4th time. I say "Tom you just asked me that 4 times" - he says I might ask you a 5th time too. I didn't know what it meant. So the next time he asks, I tell him "yes" - "are you any good?" he asks, I tell him "No" to which he replies "at least your honest"!
He never asked again; I can't tell whether change in answer signaled that I wasn't going to play, or that he was no longer interested.
He can no longer be left alone. When he was discharged it was with a dementia diagnosis. I am just trying to figure out all the options - I have been very comforted by all your questions and stories - it feels like it might be a little more manageable.
John
I have resorted to tying an exercise band through the arms of her chair. She spends the time I am gone trying to untie it. (One time I didn't tie it tight enough though...).
Is it that they don't like being left alone? Do they just want to know what everyone is doing? Or is it that they are concerned about us??
You might consider having her go to someplace for respite care for a couple of days and you have some "quality" time with your husband. Sure she will scream and holler, but you need the time for your husband and yourself. At an assisted living or nursing home if that is truly what she needs, there will be people there to take care of her. You are starting a precedent that could destroy your marriage. If you can't do it I recommend getting some therapy so you have the strength to tell her NO.
I say this because my mother moving in a grannie apartment at our house helped end my 26 year marriage. I got therapy and finally was able to put my big girl panties on and actually, I left.
She is trying to make me be at her beck and call 24 hours..just moved her into an independent retirement home (at her decision!!) and 24 hours later she wants to leave and move here because she doesn’t like being alone. Meanwhile, i have had her at my home for 3 weeks as she sold her last home..had to drive her everywhere, make decisions, cook lunch and dinner, AND take her to doctors to include audiologist because she is going deaf and was driving me crazy having to repeat everything and shout at her so she could hear. She decided she didn’t have a problem and took BACK her hearing aids. I told her I will no longer repeat anything, NO we could not have the TV blasting at sound level 66, and NO she cannot move back here. I will lose my mind, privacy and any life I might have. I just retired after 40 years and i won’t be a 24/7 caregiver, especially when she has resources. If that makes me selfish or mean, so be it. I am drawing and keeping the boundaries. We all have different situations, but this is the only thing that is working for me. I am so sad to read some of these stories, but many of your responses have been so helpful to me, and I thank you all.
You have a life an are entitled to it, your bed, your husb, and privacy. You shouldn't have to hide in the bathroom to de-stress. That should tell you this is way too much for your mental health.
So the mom has a fit. As long as she is fine, let her have a fit. She has become like a toddler. Would you let a toddler scream and rule You? No.
You must ask yourself, are you enabling this behavior? Probably not on purpose, but being there every second, or running immed when called is feeding into it.
Nursing home staff does not sit one on one in the clients rooms day and night. They wait to get meals, call bells answered, and with adls. Its life.
Give her something to do, and start weaning her from this behavior.
If mom is able to have a conversation about your dinner and time away, she can deal with being with someone else for awhile. Do not cancel eve plans.
If you have the monitor and can hear if she gets up to walk somewhere, let her yell. It will get worse weaning her off this behavior, but your sanity depends on it. I dont believe it'
The dementia, bc then every or in nursing home would be yelling their heads off when the CNA leaves the room. They dont.
Put her in briefs for the night, while you get sleep in your own bed. Don't feel guilty. You are entitled to privacy and a life, and down time away.
Go to dinner. Sleep with your husband. What's your mother going to do about it, chase you to the restaurant? Drag you out of bed?
You can just let her fume, you know. When she is raging unreasonably, it is okay just to let her be angry. You still love her and want her ankle to get better.
Oh - and if there's any to-do about it, for heaven's sake turn off the baby alarm. Check in on her when it suits you, instead.
And I worked out the ONE thing about it that really made steam come out of my ears.
It didn't happen when I locked the door.
Or even when I sat down.
You could guarantee the alarm to go off exactly two nanoseconds after I had actually started weeing.
*Every* *bloody* *time*.
We really are never alone in our troubles, are we? :)
Am I being selfish?
Mom depends on you for everything. She may not have a concept of time and to her, your five minutes away is endless. Make sure you constantly reassure her that she is safe and you aren’t going to leave her alone. I’m sure you know she’s not doing it to be annoying. And don’t apologize. We understand.