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Just read your post and as it’s been a few months I was wondering if you would give us an update?
How are things going?
Are you prepared for the following
to have your life completely turned upside down.
to lose all your privacy
to never go on vacation while mom is still with you
to miss important events because mom can't be alone
to give up seeing all your friends
to have to cancel plans because whoever said they would be with mom bailed or can't deal with the situation.
to have to everything in your life revolve around mom and her needs
to lose your house as a peaceful retreat
to have to take on more 'personal' care of another adult
to have that same adult not appreciate anything you do for them
to lose intimacy with spouse
to lose doing anything spontaneously
to not being able to go anywhere unless you bring mom
to having to leave early because you brought mom
While everyone may be on board now, it is truly because they have no idea what they are getting into. My guess is that within 6 months of mom moving in, all your kids move out.
"Early onset dementia" can be an oxy-moron.........I've heard people use that phrase and in the next breath, say things like their loved one is playing with their own feces after ripping off their Depends at night and wandering out the door into the street.
You say your mother sits in a back room day in & day out by herself. If that were true, she'd be no problem whatsoever and your brother would have no reason to be asking her to leave. She pays him a monthly fee for living there, which he will now lose.........so he's asking her to leave, again, for a reason. You are attributing her 'negativity' to being alone all the time, but in reality, severe negativity can be a symptom of dementia. Just ask me. I know. My 93 year old mother is THE most negative human being who's ever lived and she's now in the moderate state of dementia & living in the Memory Care section of an Assisted Living home here in town.
Watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to get an idea of how to handle elders with dementia. She has lots of them and they are entertaining as well as informative. Know what you'll be facing. It's commonplace for folks with dementia to be VERY VERY argumentative about EVERYTHING. My mother will argue with herself in an effort to be contrary. No matter what I say, she says the opposite. When I agree, she then changes her mind to disagree with me. She's also mostly deaf & refuses hearing aids, which just adds to the frustrating mess that goes on with her. But hey, she's in assisted living and I don't have to deal with the 3000 issues a day that she comes up with. She's incontinent (which is very common with dementia) and wets the bed even WITH Depends at least 3x a week, needs help getting dressed, showered, and with all activities of daily life. She's not capable of doing much of anything for herself at all; she was diagnosed in 2016 and has been progressively declining ever since, although she recognizes me and her grandchildren, etc.
Log onto alzheimers.org to learn all about dementia and what to expect. I love that website, it's really a good one. The 36 Hour Day is an excellent book to read as well. Keep reading posts here on Aging Care as well as articles written and posted on the subject. Keep in mind that dementia often reaches a point where you cannot handle it at home, and placement must be considered.
Have a heart to heart talk with your brother to find out what's really going on. Tell him to unload on you...........tell you exactly why he's asked her to leave so you'll know what your signing up for. Please do that, and ask him to be honest.
Good luck!
As much as I can tell, my mom sits in a back room day in and day out by herself. She barely sees anyone, barely talks to anyone. When she sees my brother, they argue. She has become very negative, but I attribute that to her being along all of the time. Am I possibly not looking at that the right way? I don't want go into this with my eyes closed either.
Is she paying your brother anything for rent/utilities/food/clothing, etc.? For caregiving? What is her financial situation?
Are there any other siblings?