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I get up at 5 am, eat dinner at 5pm go to bed right after Mom around 7:30...
I watch stupid game shows and spend way too much time at Dr offices...
I feel your pain..
Curtain....I like your analogy of an upside down pyramid scheme....the greatest generation really had it all...the ability to be self made people in an era of fast advancement in education, careers and business building. Most never had to caregive AT ALL. My parents did not have to caregive for any of their parents. In fact I can remember how put out my mother was taking care of her mother for a whole week after a hospital stay.
I guess my point is we have to do whatever we can to treat ourselves better physically and mentally. Grab whatever sunshine, joy and enrichment that is left to us for our own older years. Cheers!
Susan, yep totally agree about the shape of that pyramid and the efforts of the younger generation feeding into the older one. Up to a point that doesn't seem crazy, but it seems it has gone too far. I am struggling to stay financially afloat just to support myself and yet my mother thinks nothing of trying to manipulate me into doing errands for her. Errands that cost me working hours that she doesn't (and can't) pay me for. She simply does not want to pay people to do things and if I refuse she just does without or even puts herself in danger. I'm worried things are going to come to a very unpleasant crisis soon.
On the plus side, I did a "Climb For Air" event for Lung Association fundraising - it was climbing 38 flights to the top of a bank building downtown here - and I made third place in my age group! I exercise but am athletically non-talented and I can't even remember that I have ever won or placed in anything athletic at all in my whole life, so that was a great shot in the arm for me. I will cherish that silly little finisher medal forever! Try to do some little thing for the first time whenever you get a chance and it will make you feel younger. I'm cheering myself up just writing about it. :-)
You're right - it seems like some weird pyramid scheme - but the pyramid is upside down. The narrow point of the pyramid is our parents, not having caregiving responsibilities, and the wide part is us - caregiving our parents at an age when we should be doing the empty nest thing - or close to it - and instead finding ourselves back in the caregiving game again, but for our parents, not our kids.
I have given up so many things to care for them.
Until my mother passes, the only thing I will be driving is a big ol' handicap conversion van, complete with a heavy-duty lift and tie downs for her wheelchair. Such a hot ride.....
On the upside, no one can miss me coming down the road, and I think I can safely drive and park any boat now because I've driven a land yacht for years.
Like others had mentioned, when my parents were my age there were looking for their next big home as they were retiring to the Washington DC area as there is so much to do here. They had so much fun, learning the subway system and visiting all the museums, and visiting all the sights. And travel, my gosh it was have suitcase will travel.
Now when I look in the mirror I see this very old person who has put on weight... like what's up with this extra stomach weight !!! Now when I buy clothes I find myself buying animal prints from the mature clothing catalogs. If I trade in my Jeep for an Oldsmobile lock me up in the tool shed.
I don't understand the way it is now. I know a lot of people in their 80s. Half of them were there when the spouse was ill, but I don't know anyone who took care of their parents. One of my mother's favorite things to say is "When I was your age I was doing this or that." I have the standard answer: "At my age you weren't taking care of your parents."
I know a woman who is about 70 and wheelchair bound, but otherwise healthy. She has been in the wheelchair since she was middle aged. Her daughter gave up her life to stay home with her mother -- no marriage, no kids, no job. Sometimes I wonder why the woman let it happen. If my daughter had tried to stay home with me, I would have MADE her leave and get on with her life. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be that important for my daughter to sacrifice her life for my convenience. I don't know the family dynamics, but from the outside it looks like total narcissism on the part of the mother.
My mother is a strange case. She thinks it is the obligation of the daughter to care for her mother. I don't know where she got the notion. She had 7 brothers and sisters who did not feel this way. My mother feeling that way is very self-serving and makes me have less respect for her.
I miss my husband and the dreams we still had. I know it's not "why me?
but rather why not me."?
Was just having a sad moment and appreciate having a place to actually discuss it.
I was 59 when my husband died. We were still both working full time and desperately fighting his cancer. I started taking care of the oldsters a few months after my sweet husband died. I am now 66. From age 59-66 I've been surrounded by "old." No travel, no fun years for me.
Thank you for allowing me to vent and to feel sorry for myself.
I'm grateful for the wonderful years I had with a terrific husband and kids but
I sure do feel that way, some days. When I've gotten up early to work for an hour or two before going to see Mom at the NH for a bit, back home to work the rest of the day until late evening, when I go back to see her again, then back home to work some more until I fall into bed....that "old" feeling really comes into play.
I too feel surrounded by "old".. my life revolves around my elderly parents first , my job (full time work from home), my elderly pets (dog is 15 and I caregive for her too).
Sometimes I go out to the park or a restaurant and just look around and others lives seem so different then mine.. my life is seems so narrow now. My lunches and dinners are spent listening to dentures clicking and stories being retold over and over, walks spent very slowly walking my parents or my elderly dog.
When my parents were my age.. their lives were so young and vibrant. They went on exciting vacations, spent weekends camping, they were surrounded by their youthful kids and grandkids. They didn't have to "slow down".
They say you aren't old till you let an old person in... hmmm.. I think I need to let a young person in to chase out all the old!
The life I live is my mother's life. People may say that I need to get out more and meet people my own age. This is much easier to say than to do when a woman is 63. It's not like we can go hang out in bars or need to attend more college classes with kids young enough to be our grandchildren. The 60s are an age group where people are still working and going home to their spouses after work. They don't hang out at senior centers, parks, or bars. They do go to grocery stores and work out in their yards.
I got rid of old clothes she never wore despite her telling me she did, Ornaments that gathered dust apart from some very valuable ones. I did keep all 20 cuddly toys but they are on the top of the wardrobe. I binned every part set of cutlery and crockery in the goodwill bin and bought 1 new set of each but I made sure they were something she would like so nope all good here. And I open the windows every day to let the old air out and the new in too. Feeling very proud of myself.....No if only I didn't need cupboard space for mounds of pads pants, wipes, wet wipes, towels etc